PoKeMoN HEROES

PoKeMoN HEROES. What is there to say about this comic? How about the fact that it has the most awkward spelling ever. I guess he was trying to emulate the logo. I might also complain about how he forgot to accent the E in “PoKeMoN”, but I’m actually glad I don’t have to put that in every time.

The author, KevinClifford, boldly calls this a “more mature” Pokémon sprite comic, done “completely in Photoshop!”. You hear that, guys? He does all of these in Photoshop; so you know it’s gotta be good.

(Note: the author has at least two websites for this comic. I’ve picked his Drunk Duck version because it is the most updated and he claims it is the best. Let me just bring this up for you to remember later: the comics in his Smack Jeeves page are worse.

So the author also claims this is a mature comic. Well, I have already read all of the times people claimed that Pokémon-X was an “edgy” comic, so I must admit that I am a bit skeptical. So let’s see how mature this comic is:

PoKeMoN HEROES RETURNS!

After this bullshit splash page, of course. This mature bullshit splash page, I mean.

#1 Wake Up! Part 1!

I need exclamation marks after the part number to show how extra exciting this is! Err… I mean, extra mature.

Nothing’s more mature than a rambling story with some complete jackass of a kid screwing around. No need for punchlines or jokes: just have your characters fuck around.

So this was what Rage Against the Machine was warning against. Now that song makes sense!

#2 Wake Up! Part 2!

Through counter-intelligence it should be possible to pinpoint potential troubled comics and neutralize them.

I think Kevin intended for this character to be funny and endearing, like maybe Bart Simpson. Is obnoxious and repulsive close?

#3 Wait… What?!

Ho, ho, ho! He talks about how he has a low attention span and then he gets distracted, proving that very point! I can’t take all of this clever irony!

Seriously, though: who says “Good ‘ol Gary. Such a prankster…”? You might as well walk around in a zoot suit and call him the “cat’s pajamas”.

“Damn… The author forgot to write a punchline.”

By the way, if you don’t understand the title Kevin will assure you: it’s not because you weren’t paying attention (and, honestly, how could you not pay attention to this exciting tale?); it’s because he changed the comic so that it no longer makes sense and is “too lazy to rename it”. Amazing.

#4 Gary Oak, the Lab, And Stuff…

Did you get that, readers? See, because the main character is a moron. I thought I would remind you of that, just in case you couldn’t figure it out yourself. Next strip we’ll have the main character slip on a banana peel and have Gary say, “Ha ha ha! You slipped on a banana peel, causing exaggerative damage! That’s the joke of this strip!”

If you have actually been reading his blog posts—and I couldn’t blame you if you didn’t—you might have noticed his affinity for acting like a hyperactive child, starting each paragraph in completely different subjects and, it seems, in completely different states of mind. This does not seem very mature.

#5 The Professor-nessââ,¬Â¦

What? That’s what it’s called, apparently.

Okay, now Red’s become creepy. “I can’t wait until Gary’s asleep so I can cut out a piece of his hair and smell it all day! I just love all of his pranking!”

“This place bores me…”? Yeah, and this comic bores me. I think I’ve mentioned in other articles how much I hate the whole “characters are bored” plot idea. I mean, after all, if the characters are bored, the readers will probably feel the same way. A good author would write a comic that is compelling enough so that the characters will doubtfully be “bored”, which is, of course, rarely a compelling mood for readers to read—even for comedy.

I mean, come on: that punchline doesn’t even make sense. “Well, it will kill you now that I’m stopping you from letting it kill you”? Or is he threatening to kill Red if he goes into the grass?

You know what, I’m not gonna sit here trying to decipher this shit. On to the next strip.

Happy BirthDay Emmy!

Oh, sorry, not until after we peruse this beautiful work of art that isn’t time-wasting filler whatsoever. The good news is that even the author admits it sucks. So he knowingly fucked up, and yet was still somehow unable to fix said problem by erasing said problem from existence.

Anonymous:

STUPID

What, no “More like ‘Crappy Birthday’”? Actually, I saw some of the other assholes who were at Bowser’s Plan B, so this might actually be that same guy.

Happy BirthDay Vaati! From HAC!

Yeah, well tell HAC he can go fuck himself. More like “HACK”, amirite? Right? Look, I’m just trying to work off of the material they give me, which is very little apparently. Remember when your favorite newspaper comic paused its story to talk about the author’s friend whom nobody else knows and his birthday? You do? Well, it was fucking bullshit in that comic, too.

The only miniscule amount of humor I could glean out of this was some jackass spamming the blog with bullshit (which is surprisingly conspicuous compared to everyone else’s random bullshit) and Blaze178’s overreaction. “You motherfucking cunt how dare you talk about your love of hampsters for hourse ill kill you!” He didn’t really say that; but it was close.

#6 My First PoKéMoN! Part 1!

Maturity is dumping garbage letters in the middle of your comic titles because you couldn’t look up how to properly write special characters in HTML.

This particular strip puts me in an awkward situation because its punchline is not bad enough to really mock, but too boring to actually be considered funny. Instead I’ll note how his borders look suspiciously ripped-off from Pokémon-X.

#7 My First PoKéMoN! Part 2!

Usually I would prefer Squirtle; but this Charmander has magical ghost powers, if that third panel is any indication.

Gary, that prankster! Always taking those Pokémon others wanted to take! Where’s this guy’s spinoff sitcom?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Thank you for reminding me that this comic was published on February 14, Valentine’s day. It would have been a shame if we lost out on that vital reminder!

But, really, just look at this fine work. Let’s examine the sloppily cut-off edges of that giant heart in the middle. I’m practically swooning at that image of Red trying to eat Leaf’s nose. No wonder she’s so shocked: that must be painful.

I also like how Kevin took the time to add the same cheesy effects that many sprite comic makers use on their text, yet could not figure out how to add anti-aliasing to it.

Ha, ha, ha! A lot of people in the comments section said that they didn’t like Valentine’s Day very much. I wonder why.

#8 My First PoKéMoN! Part 3!

When will these sprite comic creators learn that preparing for a Pokémon battle is not exciting? I think maybe Kevin should spend less time copying choppy effects from Pokémon-X and adding minimal editing to characters’ eyes to make them look angry, and actually start writing jokes or stories that are interesting.

#9 Chuck and Tony?!?

An excerpt from my journal:

Dear Diary:

The aura of happiness has vanished from my soul after reading the sheer soul-crushing banalty of PoKeMoN HEROES. I once remembered laughter, and the jokes that challenged my mind and twisted ideas, pushing my brain as if it were on a swing. But after reading this comic and its incorrect use of two question marks in its title there was nothing there but hollow sorrow and depression: a comic so boring, even its animal inhabitants were in slumber. My mind no longer swings up and down with wind blowing through its hair, but lies in the dirt after getting knocked down by that fat kid—you know, that guy—on the ground, held down by the crushing boulder of depression, unable to move.

All that lies await is forced wackiness, the dialogue of two jackasses naming their characters such irrelevant, and yet unimaginative, names. It refuses to climax, but rambles off on a tangent, ending with the powerless “Shuddup!”, leaving me devoid of joy. Under my eyes lied the wrinkles of wariness, as I watched, close-up, two images I knew I’d seen before—probably because they were the only picture the author has to depict said characters in a magnified manner. I sighed in sadness as I looked upon the glowing, impotent fist of Red—whose name I still know not other than based on his canonical name—and the scratchy swirls behind them. Such rape Photoshop must have endured to push out this tragedy!

I had planned on ending it all by finding some young, red-capped fellow who would bite my nose off on Valentine’s day and allow me to die of blood loss; but, alas, it would be too good for thee. So I subjected myself to a worse fate: reading more PoKeMoN HEROES.

P.S. This comic blows immensely.

#10 Wait?!?

This is bullshit. That’s all I can say. I can just throw my hands up in the air, point at the comic on my screen, and say, “This will never be anything but bullshit.” It was born to be bullshit.

I like to think that that pink “Wait!” is some fictional director who realized that nothing in this last panel has any relevance to anything and wanted to start everything all over. Alas, Kevin’s laziness would crush his good judgement.

Kevin:

Kevin’s last line MADE this page.

What Kevin forgot to add was, “…a random pile of bullshit.” What relevance could “I’m firing my cannons now, bitch!” have to anything? Was it some secret move that Charmander knows at the start of Leaf Green and Fire Red that I forgot? And if your answer is, “Its irrelevance is the joke!”, then I am afraid you have an odd perception of humor. See, because I’m pretty sure humor requires more than random bullshit, which is unfortunately this comic’s bread and butter. And by “bread and butter”, I mean the kind that’s been left out in the sun so long it’s grown mold and crawling with flies.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

I think anyone with adequate knowledge of Irish history would know that the “luck of the Irish” hasn’t worked very much in the past.

Also, thanks for this little nugget of uselessness. I never get sick of these.

#11 Enter Ashley!

Well tell her she can go back home, since her personality seems to be the same as Gary’s, which is spending all of her time pointing out Red’s forced stupidity. (Like we needed two people to do that vital task.)

Actually, in Red’s defense, that was pretty shitty sarcasm. Most people use sarcasm to make fun of someone’s low intelligence. I guess in this case her point is, “well, I know I’m late, but I have no reason to be!”, which seems to be more of her fault.

Also, it wasn’t funny.

Kevin:

Yay, Toby sent me $20! I’m 20 USDs closer to my goal of 100! If you guys can reach it before the end of the month, I’ll do a week long update the first week of June. (The 1st through 7th. No shitting you.) I’ll count the money if you contact me with how much you sent, and supply a tracking number, of course.

People actually sent him money? What? Why? What about this is worth twenty dollars? Just find some hobo out in the street and offer him ten cents a week: he’d do just as well. Toby, if you really have some psychological need to give your money away, give it to me so I can give it to someone who actually deserves it, like Haiti or something. Hell, give it to one of those hobos I mentioned.

Man, this one is HORRIBLE. It sucks so much… I’m to stressed lately, and it’s diminishing the quality of my comics. For this I am sorry. Anyone who’s a Sophomore, or been one, should know that Sophomore year is the hardest out of all 4 years >.<

And after accepting said money he’ll go on to list his sprite crimes, just to mock us.

Also, I don’t know if he’s referring to high school or college; but I don’t think that’s right for either of them. I can imagine a post next school year saying, “Okay, never mind what I said before: JUNIOR YEAR is the HARDEST.” I made sure to add his tasteful style of all-caps.

Vagabond:

… You people are actually giving him money for this? Wow. My mind is… beyond blown. Just. Wow.

Vagabond shares my confusion.

Sun Set, Sun Rise & Night Time!

Thank you for showing off your ability to cover the screen with a color and change that layer’s opacity style to “Multiply”. It’s these kind of tricks that really make Kevin’s use of Photoshop really vital to its success. I can already hear Toby saying, “Holy shit, man! I gotta give him a hundred bucks for that trick!”

And did Gary all of a sudden turn into Loud Howard? What’s with the yelling? Especially at night, when everyone’s sleeping, the asshole. What’s even better is that this is completely out of character for Gary. And this is coming from someone who has barely even paid attention to these characters’ personality: it’s that noticeable.

Kevin:

Check ’em out! THANK YOU XIGGY!!! I feel special now knowing I know someone who owns at sprite site … […]

Well, it’s not as special as knowing the Pope; but it’s pretty darn close! I mean, he owns a sprite site? That’s amazing. You would have to set up your own website and upload images onto it. No one can do that!

#12 Ash’s PoKéMoN!

Okay, this garbage characters thing was funny before; but not anymore.

We now learn that Red’s obnoxiousness is caused by a deep-seated resentment against his home, due to growing up with abusive parents (because all Pokémon sprite comics have at least one of the main characters’ parents be abusive for some reason), and he lets out the pain in small, subtle doses such as this because he has no other way. Or maybe it’s just a stupid attempt to use setting things on fire as a replacement for actual humor. You decide!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my magnifying glass so I can actually see what expression Red is supposed to have in that last panel.

APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

I don’t want to sound like an expert on women, but I’m pretty sure most women would be justifiably annoyed if some asshole took their clothes and changed their color, even if that color has been officially approved by the Department of Women.

And for someone who’s yelling so loud that her text is in all-caps, she sure has a calm look on her face. Come on, Kevin, the characters are so close up that we’ll actually be able to see the expressions you give them this time.

#13 Oak’s Explanation! Part 1!

You are not allowed to get that excited about explaining things.

I love how he not only forced some contrived joke into that last panel, but also shoved in some contrived suspense at the last minute. That must take a ton of laziness.

#14 Oak’s Explanation! Part 2!

I think the author’s just stalling because he just realized that he didn’t think of an outcome yet.

HAPPY EASTER!

I like to imagine that as Jesus was rising to heaven, or whatever, he saw this comic and just slumped back down into the dirt.

Not only is this joke not funny, it’s the second time this unfunny joke was pushed onto the internet, only spreading its unfunny disease even further. Luckily, the author was savvy enough to know that this comic was irrelevant; unfortunately, that still didn’t stop him from putting it up. Maybe he’s trying to suck. Like he has this assignment in school where he has to publish bad comics, and then he adds these comments saying, “See, here I reused the same joke, which should give me some more points towards my ‘Repetition’ grade.”

Kevin:

Today Jesus rose from the dead. Yes. I am a Catholic, Christian. What gave it away? The fact that I go to an all boys Catholic School?

Kevin, I’m pretty sure that if your teacher saw this comic you’d get paddled.

#15 Oak’s Explanation! Part 3!

A good way to interpret that “Part 3!” is, “I can’t believe he’s still stretching this joke out!”

Wait. Was this comic supposed to be serious? Because if it is, I don’t think saying “That’s so gay!” and “I know you have Alzheimer’s…” really fit with that kind of mood. Otherwise, I would love to know where the jokes went. Then again, Oak telling Gary that he’ll catch him another Pokémon is pretty hilarious.

Also: Kevin, I really wish you’d learn how to use ellipses and commas. Though he can spell “Alzheimer’s” correctly, oddly enough.

#16 Gary’s New PoKéMoN! Part 1!

You have no idea what a pain in the ass it is to recreate Kevin’s lovely spelling errors there. I actually have to put effort into failing as hard as Kevin does. I just hope you all appreciate the hard work Kevin puts into making this comic fail.

And can I get a laugh track for that punchline? I think I heard that same line on an ‘80s sitcom.

I also don’t take Gary’s attempt at slang—“Iunno”— very well. Then again, he is such a prankster. A prankster at English!

#17 Gary’s New PoKéMoN! Part 2!

“Shut up, disembodied head of my son! Don’t make me chop off your jaw, too!”

It’s amazing how in every Pokémon comic the main characters just so happen to run into a shiny Pokémon, even though there’s a ¹/_8,192 chance of that happening.

“Okay, then. Obnoxious font!”

Wobble! Wobble! Wobble! Uh oh, here comes the Pokéburglar!

#18 Gary’s New PoKéMoN! Part 3!

Gary seems pretty thankful, considering Oak’s abusive actions. Then again, he’s probably just trying to avoid being decapitated again. Just look at what Oak did to his eyes already!

Intermission

If you looked at the latest comic you might think, “Holy shit! He’s got over a thousand comics of this shit! He’s even copying Recon’s massive number of sprite comics.” Wrong. Just look through the archive:

I’ve counted the number of comics that aren’t guest strips or holiday bullshit—there’s about one hundred of them. How lazy can you be when you need others to make your shitty sprite comic for you?

Also, if you look at the front page, he has some long post where he whines about how much he had to pay for his brand new computer and tries to strong-arm his readers into paying him money. He also bitches that he can’t continue his comic because he can’t finish his flash movie without a voice actor for Oak (why he can’t continue the comic while waiting for the voice actor, who knows?). Honestly, Kevin, is one thousand dollars really worth continuing this comic? You already crippled your hands for this needy monster; don’t go into financial ruin, too—and then bring your readers down with you. Also, maybe you could try not paying one thousand dollars for a computer you’re gonna use to make a fucking sprite comic on. They have these things called “used computers” or computers that aren’t packed with the power to control spacecraft.

Mr. tekern, in the comments section of his Smack Jeeves page, was not happy with this prospect and told him to try a voice community and get a fucking job. Okay, he didn’t say the second part: I did. Anyway, Kevin bitches a bit about voice communities; but here’s the part I loved best:

Plus, those fags want MONEY, I’m not paying them for this.

“Unlike me, of course!”

Happy Mother’s Day!

“Ha, ha, ha! That’s my mom! Still hung over from last night at the bar, drinking away the pain of loneliness!”

Kevin:

After viewing the comic online, I really like how the text came out.

I’m pretty sure most text is just typed into the text tool and then spruced up with a bunch of Photoshop effects: somehow I don’t think you should be that excited about your little “success” here.

#19 Gary’s New PoKéMoN! Part 4!

“Yay! I get the legal rights to beat the shit out of a girl!” Ho, ho! Aren’t you a charming little scamp, Red! You know, Ashley seems pretty calm despite the fact that she is clearly in the company of two psychopaths. I would have just run as fast as I could.

Also, I’m glad Kevin decided to take that one stupid joke he made before and repeat it, so we can be reminded of its terribleness. I’m not sure what part of Pokémon, or anything, that joke is supposed to be based off of. Actually, I’m quite certain it’s just some irrelevant mind-puke he stuck there so he could pretend to have written a joke. I guess it’s better than simply forgetting to have a punchline at all.

Kevin:

I don’t know why, but I feel like I put three jokes in here D:

Three jokes? I think you must have miscounted… Wait, that IQ thing? That was supposed to be a joke? What was funny about it? Some arbitrarily large number? Are online tests simply knee-slappers upon mention? I don’t fucking think so.

Not much to say, just conspiring with Recon.

Kevin to Recon: “If we combine my bland characterization with your repetitive Pokémon battles then we’ll bore the whole world to sleep; and when everyone’s asleep, we’ll plunder Fort Knox! It’s foolproof!”

kingtidus390:

So…women are lesser beings than men? YAY! lol jp

And this was said by a real person. Ooo boy.

#20 Kevin and Ashley’s Battle! Part 1!

So the main character is named after the author. That won’t make him look like a Mary Sue at all: especially when he’s has such an obnoxious—I mean endearing—personality.

This is gonna be one long comic.

Okay, first, what is up with Oak? Is he a man-child? Everything he says is stupid and annoying; and not funny. Two, is every comic just the characters belittling each other without any wit or cleverness? You can’t just say “Well, that’s a shitty name” and call that a joke. That’s like if every joke I wrote was “This isn’t funny.” Sure, they all amount to that argument; but I add jokes to that argument. Otherwise this article would only be one sentence.

And is that… person? Is he supposed to be Oak? Because all I can see is an incomprehensible mess of squares.

#21 Gary’s Talk! Part 1!

Well, it’s a good thing “Part 1” was the only part of the battle, apparently. I really mean it: that battle was as exciting as watching two real assholes play Pokémon against each other.

I can’t make it out perfectly; but I believe Gary is crying in that first panel. Man, Gary seems less like a prankster and more like a whiny bitch.

And are Gary’s walls of text supposed to be a joke? If so, on what? So far Gary’s characterization seems to hint little at him being super intelligent. Or maybe the author can’t figure out how to write. I mean, “happened to occur”? That had to have been an attempt at humor. No one would be stupid enough to write anything that redundant—especially in a comic, which requires dialogue to be brief.

By the way, I love Kevin’s attempt at backstory in that third panel: I often pontificate about my family troubles to myself out loud, too.

In Oak’s defense, Daze, you can’t expect him to have a good sense of humor, considering who writes everything that he does. I don’t think anyone in this comic could truly comprehend humor. It truly is heartbreaking.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

Well, this is just charming: let’s honor dead soldiers by celebrating how awesome arbitrary murder is. And then tell those soldiers to pretty much fuck off. What’s next? Will he celebrate black history by praising how “fun” slavery is? Man, Kevin’s a pretty fucked up person.

Even the comments are vitriolic, which is justifiable when you consider, well, this comic is utterly repulsive in every way.

Guest Comic #1! By EvilCowSlayer!

(Note: Comic has been slightly altered to better fit WordPress’s finicky formatting. I basically just erased excess space.)

Kevin offends me even more in ways only he knows how: guest comics.

“Why are we blurry and choppy at the edges?”

“Why not?”

Because it looks like ass.

This comic wouldn’t even be funny if you added The Price is Right fail music: it’s that god damn corny.

“Sprites by Ryan Haylett.” Unless he works at Game Freak, I don’t fucking think so. Then again, copying pictures from video games onto files is a lot of work: he does deserve a lot of credit for that.

Kevin:

Well, here you go. Sean’s first one. Some may notice that its VERY blurry, well this was before we knew how to resize correctly. Notice the date? 8/27/05… God… Hey, how many of you actually remember this one? Yeah, I uploaded it before!

It’s too bad he couldn’t find time in his, I’m sure, busy schedule to, you know, fix this comic.

Guest Comic #2! By Steven!

“…Or at least one of the millions of Stevens there are in the world.”

I know this is a guest comic, and thus probably not “canon” (as laughable as this comic having canon might seem), but Comic!Kevin really strikes me as being a psychopath. “How dare you notice my mother acting differently today! I’ll kill you!” Gary didn’t even make a joke or anything: he simply made a perfectly normal observation.

Kevin:

What the fuck people!?! Read my fucking Author Notes! Specially this bit here… [quote][b]TELL YA WHAT! IF I GET [i]FIVE[/i] PEOPLE TO TELL ME COLORS THEY THINK MIGHT WORK I’LL UPDATE [i]TWICE[/i] THIS WEEKEND! SOUND LIKE A PLAN?!?[/b][/quote]

Vaati:

Because no-one wants you to update twice this weekend… *Vampirish grin*

He’s got ya there, Kevin.

Guest Comic #3! By NovaManXP!

(Note: Had to edit this one, too. I just took a few pixels off of the right edge of the two right-most panels.)

Gaze in awe at his unbelievably generic name!

I like how Oak is perfectly fine with Kevin and his own grandson sexually harassing Ashley.

And what’s she doing in that last panel, anyway? Did she belly-flop on them?

mjc0961:

Oh wow. A boobs joke.

Yeah, I can’t believe they’d stoop this low, either. Maybe you should stop conspiring with Recon, Kevin.

will123:

mjc you rate 1s on most of his pages but look at you a guy who rates 1 in a matter of fact he never thought “oh wow his comic sucks but I DON’T EVEN HAVE 1!!! (note: your comic does not suck it was a comment on mjc)

And then he says, “Oh wait. It doesn’t matter whether or not I have a comic. 1.” Imagine if someone made that argument about politics: “You can’t vote unless you’ve been an elective official.” Ironically, not having a comic would actually be better, since it would make you less biased. After all, the whole point is that the general public likes something: not whether or not it pleases a clique of sprite comic circlejerks.

Guest Comic #4! By The Outlaw Mew!

(Note: Close, but was still too wide. You shouldn’t even notice any difference.)

Hey! This comic has absolutely no context whatsoever, making it random bullshit! Hooray!

Hey, why are the three boys bleeding out of their noses in those last few panels?… Actually… You know what: don’t answer that question, please. It’s telling when the only jokes these people can make about women is how sexy they are.

Hunter_Fusion:

I’m surprised that I wanna to see the cat fight! XD

“These tiny masses of pixels get me so hot!” Yeah, Kevin: why don’t you try add more fan service to your comic, like Recon did. Isn’t that how webcomics get fans nowadays? That’ll get people to actually do all of the things you keep bugging everyone to do in your blog posts.

Kevin (in response to a negative comment from Anonymous):

Well, Anony, if that’s true then let me check… God damn? Who’s bloody idea was it to do that shit?!? 0.o? o.0? 0.0? o.o? WTF?!? Well, I still have more views that your gay ass. All anony’s are gay. Regardless if they fav me or 5 me. Anyone that uses it is gay in my book. Why? Because you don’t have enough back bone to show your bloody self.

Is this Commander Chaos masquerading as someone else? Maybe he’s one of Chaos’s underlings: Sargent Kevin Clifford.

Also, I disagree with Sgt. Kevin’s stereotype that all “Anonys” are gay: some of them are bisexual.

I would charge Kevin to show his own bloody wanker self, but I’m afraid of what monstrous visage lurks behind his monitor.

Guest Comic #5! By CatchGuess!

You know, Kevin, you don’t have to accept every brain-damaged dope who sends you his finger excrements. I mean, what’ll happen when some trolls just send you ass porn? Will you post that, too? Because if you do, please warn me: I won’t stoop that low, review or no review.

Guest Comic #6! By Twin!

How about “Real Comic! By Kevin Getting His Lazy Ass Up And Writing a Comic!”?

What’s better than writing a guest comic? Why, writing a guest comic about writing a guest comic: that’s what! And then fill in the rest of the comic with Shakespeare and someone unwittily belittling someone else. Because, hell, if you can’t write anything good, just steal from someone who can.

Guest Comic #7! By EvilCowSlayer!

(Note: Okay, I don’t feel bad about altering this one. What’s with these assholes and making these gigantic images filled with so much empty space? How incompetent can you be at basic design? I mean, just look at it.)

It’s sad when most of the comics meant to show off Kevin’s comic series are made by someone who is not Kevin.

At least these guest comics give me a good outlook at PoKeMoN HEROES’s main demographic: five-year-ol BUTTS!

Kevin:

Sean’s comic is awesome. Why? BECAUSE I’M IN IT!!!!!!!! ^^ He uses PhotoShop too! He helps me with things constantly! Go read it here . The ECS Strips! GO READ IT NOW!

So if I made a comic in which you get anal raped by zebras in Photoshop (no writing at all: just anal rape), would you consider that awesome? Yeah, I think I found a little flaw in your hypothesis, sir.

#22 Kevin and Ashley’s Battle! Part 2!

Thank god! Finally, this comic shall truly continue!

Oh, fuck: this comic’s finally gonna continue.

“Worst. Cliché. Ever! No, I’m not going to misspell “ever”: I have some standards. Also, Comic!Kevin seems a little calm to be yelling; but then I can chock that up to Author!Kevin not understanding how exclamation marks work.

#23 Gary’s Talk! Part 2!

I can’t get over Kevin’s rampant exclamation-mark use: I can just imagine one comic being called, “Kevin Stands Still!”

“Can I see your ‘worthless’ Pokémon; or will that drive you to even more tears, you fucking puss?”

You know, Gary really is a little whiny puss. Last time I checked, Caterpie could battle and in fact could evolve into Butterfree, who are, in fact, not that bad for the beginning of the game. Granted, I would be pissed if I lost out on a Squirtle—even if it was for whatever contrived reason Oak gave. Since this subplot has already become a soap opera, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out Squirtle has Poké Cancer or something.

W000000000000000P! LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!

And to celebrate his loss of time-consuming responsibilities Kevin shall waste a comic update posting irrelevant bullshit like this. For the rest of this comic’s commentary, please imagine two minutes of cursing and shouting.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

Don’t forget to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day, you annoying git.

Kevin:

Don’t forget to click Back and see my comic I uploaded on Wednesday. I GOT OUT OF SCHOOL! YAY!

Because you really don’t want to miss out on some tackily-drawn sprite leaping under the very message you gave here, in front of a white void. Can I buy a print, Kevin? I want to paste it on my fucking wall.

#24 Kevin and Ashley’s Battle! Part 3!

Wow. This was so exciting. The characters predict one outcome, and then the other happens. (Yawn) I’m on the edge of my seat.

Kevin’s really won’t shut up about this summer vacation thing, as if anyone else really cares. Kevin, summer vacation isn’t some special event your school made up: almost every school has it. I can’t wait until he starts working: “Hey, guys! I just got Sunday off! Can you believe it! A whole day off!”

#25 Gary’s Talk! Part 3!

Not only is the punchline so contrived that Daisy must have mind-reading powers; it doesn’t even make sense. How is Tony a silly name? Last time I checked, calling pets by human names is quite common.

Is this supposed to be sad? Touching? Funny? Because the greatest comics are those in which you don’t know which emotion it’s supposed to provoke, but do know which one it does: boredom.

Kevin:

Last update of August. September starts on Saturday, I start school on Wednesday D:

That was a fast summer vacation. Jeez, no wonder you get so excited about it.

#26 Kevin and Ashley’s Battle! Part 3!

Okay, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Professor Oak? I’ve seen sugar-induced five-year-olds with more sense than this guy.

Also, he’s sexually-harassing a minor. Then again, maybe he’s just trying to strangle Kevin for all of that stupid shit he was saying in that last panel. I couldn’t blame him.

#27 Gary’s Talk! Part 4!

How about Gary shut up.

“Don’t say that. It’ll make you look even lamer than interpretive dancers.”

You know, I’m going to admit: compared to the other characters, Oak is hands down the most interesting. Sure, a lot of his jokes are just forced craziness; but then other times he’s not. It’s like the author couldn’t figure out what personality to give him and that somehow, accidentally, made him more interesting.

I thought Oak took away your Squirtle, Gary. Otherwise, why are you bitching? Just bolt out of this place with Squirtle and continue using him. Shit, Oak will probably forget whatever Poké Cancer he made up in his mind for Squirtle.

Happy Independence Day!

Okay, first, this is a another god damn holiday special; that’s bad enough on its own. Second, it looks just like a shitty Pokémon-X holiday special, which are shitty. Third, why are those two idiots happy, but she looks annoyed? Is it because of the firework some asshole lit underneath her? I don’t know about you, Ashley, but I would find that a little painful.

Also, nobody needs to be reminded when it’s Independence Day—especially non-Americans, who probably wouldn’t care, anyway.

GET WELL SOON EMERIL HATCHINSON!

[Mezun is too busy crying on his floor to comment on this comic.]

Kevin:

I love knowing people’s REAL names. Everyone’s calling him that Vaati shit. Seriously, that’s retarded. Like OMFGWTFBBQS! (>_>) You people are telling a inanimate object {REGISTERED TO NINTENDO!} to get better… But is that even possible? he’s a Fucking video game character! So I say to you to say this… GET WELL SOON EMMY!

Thank you for that eloquent rant. Yes, protecting your real identity is truly retarded. I’m so glad Kevin added his and Vaati’s full names to his comic so that they can spread that wonderful information article, and now even more people know those identities. Bright move.

#28 That’s Not Fair!

This is the worst soap opera I’ve ever read.

Kevin, why did you write your own character as the most obnoxious character of them all? I really want something horrible to happen to him.

#29 Gary’s SLOW!

This comic’s so boring, Squirtle’s yawning in the third panel.

“Overwhelmed by the happenings of today”? He got a Pokémon, had it taken away, and then got a different one. Boo hoo. The obvious solution would be to send Kevin and Gary to another comic so they can’t be annoying anymore.

#30 What The Fuck Is All This About?!

Oh good: we’re going to skip more of Oak and Gary’s soap opera. Now it’s finally time for some… trite Pokémon observational humor: “What’s the deal with Pokémon battle transitions? They’re not realistic at all!”

Well, I think we’ve had our fill of PoKeMoN HEROES. What can I say about this comic, other than it being a cheap knock-off of Pokémon-X? Beats me.

Fun Fact #1: Out of the fifty comics I read (fifty one counting the splash page), thirty of them were part of the actual story. Two-fifths was filler.

Fun Fact #2: Optimizing all of these comics was a pain in the ass, thanks to Kevin’s brilliant formatting of his images. See, if you save his comics onto your computer and look at them you might notice that they have transparency. You won’t notice this on the internet, since there’s always only a plain white background behind the images. But here’s the best part: that transparency makes these images impossible to make into 8-bit images, so they have to be full-color, which makes the file sizes super huge. An average strip from his site was around 100 kb. Most of my optimized versions were around 30-40 kb. Imagine that for around 50 comics. The total file size of all of these images went from 5 mb to 2 mb.

The best part is that not only can you not see this transparency, some of the images would look like shit with transparency, since they have text with white anti-aliasing, which looks great on a white background, but shitty on any other background. Also, one comic had some white smudge on it. Amazing.

-J.J.W. Mezun

Published: August 26, 2011