Nintendo Acres

A sprite comic in which the stars from various video game series have to live together? That’s sure original! Especially when said characters are Mario, Link, Sonic, Kirby, and Samus (what, no Mega Man?). Well, if you’re in the mood for some trite jokes, tedious dialogue, blindlingly bad visuals, and the same boring mistakes every other sprite comic has made, what the fuck is wrong with you? Here’s Nintendo Acres.

Moving In

It could use more than some furnishing; I’ve lived in slums that look better. Not only are there no couches or tables, there aren’t even any fucking wall windows. The front door’s windows’ bars aren’t even symmetrical. And what’s with sprite comic creators’s obsessions with dull light gray rectangles and dull dark gray rectangles for backgrounds? They’re so ugly they make me want to puke.

“MARIO!!! My text has white pixels around it, even though it’s Times New Roman [which, by the way, is an even worse font to use for comics than Comic Sans MS].”

I would call for help—even from someone I’ve never heard of before—if I saw Mario dry-humping my floor, too.

Mezun’s note: King talks… like… Shatner.

King:

Be hold! I can now comment to these comics! MWAHAHAHA!

Ha ha ha! That is a riot! Hey, guys, I can type words on this computer using buttons! Isn’t that hilarious?

King:

My First Comic, My first web site, my first rant… okay, it’s a bit short… but it’s a rant…

I think that ninja from NES game nobody played might have mental problems.

Brogalio:

… Take the tiem to read our comments too, sometimes King and I will go off on a duel of words and it may be interesting to read.

“It may be interesting to read.” Trust me: it won’t be.

Enter Link: Exit Door

“Roger said my text would change for no reason!”

I must admit, I’ve never seen polygonal explosions before.

Can we get a laugh track for floating Link there, please?

King:

This is going to be a joke that pops up every now and again.

Thanks for warning me.

Brogalio:

…and it’s good one.

“I remember it from my favorite sitcom!”

Kirby Rocks My… Ceiling?

Duck and cover from what, Kirby falling somewhere away from you? Even if Kirby was above you, I doubt ducking would protect you much.

Seriously, Mario, stop doing that; it’s disgusting!

King:

Do I even need to say anything?

No. So shut the fuck up.

The Last Housemate

Stop changing your font, Sonic! You know, I don’t even think these assholes make this comic themselves; it’s the first sprite comic to ever be outsourced to third world countries.

I didn’t notice until now that explosions leave black pixel sprays as residue. It’s details like these that make Nintendo Acres the magnum opus that it is.

King:

Boom… I think I look cool…

Honestly, this kid needs help.

Brogalio:

Ignoring King’s randomness(a hard thing), the house is now fully occupied, os get used to seeing these guys.

I’m thinking you should try firing him.

Also, it will take a lot more to fill that huge-ass place, even with the top half destroyed.

Those Insurance Guys love loopholes, don’t they?

I know it’s a trifling detail, but it really bugs me when people abruptly change title styles. Here they capitalize the first three words, and then cease capitalization. Why? Was the rest of the title not important enough?

By the way, I’m just noticing the bright red comic logo—also in that fresh Times New Roman font—on the neon lime-colored rectangle. Real tasteful.

Oh yeah, did the creators mention that this comic is read from right to left now? Oh, wait, now it’s back to left-to-right again! This is more than a comic: it’s a fucking puzzle.

Webmaster:

Here’s your friendly, and tall, webmaster letting you know that insurance people are stupid, too.

”Here’s your friendly webmaster to haunt your dreams for the next millenium!” I just want to know what disorder he has that makes his right shoulder higher than his left. I hope this isn’t common among “webmasters”. Maybe it’s a rite of passage.

Character Building and the art of Bending logic.

And The Art of random Capitalization continues. Now they’ve got a period in their comic title. Periods do not belong in comic titles.

Apparently, these guys thought the “Samus is a girl?” joke was so rich that they didn’t even bother with a punchline. “Nothing can top that!” Psyguy cosplayer, Brogalio, says. Seriously, look at his avatar and tell me he isn’t copying Psyguy… whose copying Sega, sure. But you understand my point.

“I… I like… gray!” King replies.

“That’s wonderful, King. Now, I think it’s time for your medication, okay?”

King:

It took as 6 takes to get this scene right, kirby kept messing up, appearing in the wrong places, once he mange to steal my lava Ckae.

Ho, ho, ho, that’s great. Get it? Because they’re not real.

Brogalio:

You and your lava cake King…

Um, I think you mean “lava Ckae”. It’s Celtic for “gray”.

King:

I’m sure you all have heard about the controller of the revolotion, so here’s me opinion plain and simple: NOT revoltionary. I wanted to get a ps3, but bro won’t hear it…

I’m sure glad King gave us his very special opinion on this subject, without any evidence to back himself up. I’ve completely changed my purchasing habits because of it. Oh, wait, he called it not “revoltionary”. So it isn’t revolting. So I guess he likes it? You need to be more clear, King. How else am I going to buy what games you tell me to?

And “me opinion”? Are you a pirate now?

Can’t Get Anything Past Sonic

Trust me, that doesn’t look good at all. If you had “paint kirby” help you, why are the walls and floor still those putrid shades of gray?

Apparently, needing a lot of people to help you rebuild your house is their idea of a joke. Maybe one of them is Objectivist.

King:

True Web comic lovers may already know this, but Brian (maker of 8-bit theater) somehow took ove Control Alt Delete: http://www.cad-comic.com/index.php I thought those two LIKED each other. Brian,have you become posessed by an evil spirt? Or have you been playing with BM to much lately? I’m creeped out… why does this have to happen to me?!?! *Locks self in room*

Please never come back out.

Wait, “those two LIKED each other”? Does Clevinger’s wife know about this?

Brogalio:

First of all King, it’s not the end of the world so long as Mr. Clevinger doesn’t try to alter Ctrl-Alt-Del to suit his own whims. …

I love how these two focus more on other comics than their own.

Also, I fail to see how Brian Clevinger taking over CAD would be a problem. Shit, he’d probably improve it.

Now what do we do?

Look up the word “consistency”.

Wait. I think we missed a few things here. Why did Mario throw Kirby? How did… what relevance does the final panel have to the three before? Why is Sonic laughing like Ralph from the Honeymooners and why is this presented as if it were humorous?

Brogalio:

It’s official, the Ctrl-Alt-Del take-over episode was a joke, just like I figured.

Thank you for your brilliant detective work. We never could have figured it out ourselves.

King:

Yeah, yeah, don’t rub it in.

Oh, sorry; I forgot he’s talking to King. Right.

King:

We won’t be able to put up a new comic for a while, we need to figure things out.

“Like how to make everything even more gray!”

You guys need a lot more things to figure out, so maybe you should wait a few more years before you put up any new comics.

The Gum Incident

Mario and Sonic sleeping in the same room? Well, this will sure bring some zany hijinx! And all because of the stickiest, stretchiest gum I have ever seen.

King:

Okay, we figured things out, and now we’re working from my, erm… I mean, Bro’s laptop (hisss), and hopefully things will return to normal.

How about you next “figure out” how to download GIMP and “figure out” how to use video game backgrounds instead of hideous gray boxes.

Also, look out for my Q&A article “Ask King: Advice from a nutty ninja”
So… this king, over and out.

I have a question for King: Do you dress like your sprite in real life? And if so, how many times do you get harrassed by the police?

Brogalio:

… Don’t ask me why they let five people move into a house with only four bedrooms, cuz I ain’t telling.

I always just assumed it was so this joke could be written. After all, it was only brought up in this episode.

King:

At you, I meep. hey, I bet if we keep commenting, we might see the rare “Web Master” *audiance gasps and scream*. Yep… I’m O-ficcily-like bored-ish…

Somebody really needs to cut this guy’s mic. I’m begging you.

The hallway of… rooms…

I will give them some credit: this comic’s title, as annoyingly uncapitalized as it is, is the first amusing joke I’ve read from them so far.

I can’t blame Sonic for not wanting to be in the same room with Mario, what with all that floor-humping he does. I’m scared to think of what he does at night.

Link vs. Door: Round 1

I guess the joke is that Link can’t use doors? I’m not well-versed in Zelda, but I could swear I remember Link being able to open doors in the Game Boy and N64 games at least. In fact, I know for a fact he can open locked doors in dungeons in the original Zelda game.

King:

… keep in mind, it’s late, we bearly remebered to upload this comic.

Please don’t remember next time.

Kirby’s New Move

Oh, look: they did change the paint job. They reversed the walls and floor. Now if only they could learn to use different colors I would be a little happier. Remember, improvement starts at the slowest crawl. The slowest fucking crawl.

I think these two confuse “non-sequitors” for “punchlines”. Trust me when I say that these are very distinct literary devices.

Brogalio:

First of all, I feel the need to give credit to Brian Clevinger, creator of 8-Bit Theater. This comic almost came to me in a dream, but I wasn’t asleep at the time so…
Not only do I get to have fun with Kirby and his ever-widening range of abilities, but I get to pay a tribute of sorts to Brian, 8BT, and especially Black Mage.

With all of these sprite comic creators who are inspired by 8-Bit Theater, you’d think some of them would copy the things that made it, you know, not suck balls.

And no, I don’t know what Link was supposed to be able to do with the rings he steals. I just needed something to be happening while I built up the Pie-o-doken.

So he admits that the first three panels are filler. And he’s okay with this for some reason.

Last one: I honestly wonder whether a Hadoken, or Pie-o-doken, could beat the usually invincible Super Sonic.

I love it when people argue over what fictional character can beat another imaginary character. Considering all of their “powers” are usually arbitrary, it depends on whoever’s writing the particular story.

King:

This is Bro’s comic through and through, so no comment. (oops, nevermind)

Oh, see what he did. That’s, that’s so clever. Okay now, King: back in your cage.

Furnishing and Random Street Violence

Oh, thank god. Diarrhea green and pale yellow-green are a thousand times better than those god awful grays.

Um, what’s with the random polygons in panel three? And why does the wall paint abruptly change on the right there? I think this was an unfinished level from A Week of Garfield.

Link vs. Door: Round 2

Translation: “We pretty much admit we’re repeating the same joke.”

Hmm. I believe this is the first sprite comic to pull a blackface joke. And in the 21st century. That’s concerning.

News of the outside world

The jokes we’re working with here are Link’s inability to open doors and his love for… someone we already know he loves. I’m so glad there’s two people working on this; one could never handle the sheer depth of this comic.

A sixth housemate?

Most people make jokes by having characters acting ironically; they twist characters and ideas, creating humor from the absurdity of the situation. These geniuses just have their characters act wacky, usually in ways you’d already expect them to act. For instance, someone here brings a Chao. Sonic likes Chaos, right? Well, isn’t that funny? Next we’ll point out how hilarious it is that Mario likes mushrooms. You know, because he really does.

The exception is when they have characters act arbitrarily wacky, even when there’s no logic based on such actions, and thus not even ironic. It’s simply stupid. So, for instance, when Link blows up everyday doors, instead of cracked walls which lead to secret passages, it’s simply too stupid to believe. I’m not laughing; I’m wondering why the hell he’s doing that in the first place. It’s just forced zaniness.

Chao Nameday

Why do all of these sprite comics take place in the middle of nowhere, without trees, buildings, or anything that would block the horizon of grass. Keep in mind that these two were so lazy they couldn’t even search for some random video game background to copy. These people make plagiarists look like true artists.

Oh, the old “no punchline” lampshade hanging joke. Never seen that one before.

Brogalio:

Well, there goes the possibility of “No author insertion”…

Yeah, I lament it, too.

King:

Okay, here’s the reoson behind the lack of a punchline: The five original “Housemates” were going to be Sonic, Mario, Link, Samaus, and Jack (Harvest Moon dude!), and Jack’s quirk was going to be an obsession with naming his animals after what meat they could be turned into, and he was going to bring Porkchop in. But I hit a snagg making the first five comics: I couldn’t find a Jack Sprite Sheet, so kirby ended up replacing him, and I still wanted the Chao to be called Porkchop, so he just kept the name, and I couldn’t find a sheet by this time to have Jack be the shop keeper of the pet store.
If you have located a sprite sheet of Jack, send it to the webmaster (his e-mail’s in the copyright stuff at the bottom) and, hopefully, he’ll forward it to me, and I’ll reward you by however way you wish, within reason of course.

It’s too bad there are no emulators or roms you can download that will allow you to play these games temporarily to get the sprites and then delete them. I know it’s illegal, but come on. It’s not as if playing the game for a couple minutes will lead Nintendo to fly in with the C.I.A. to break your fingers. Although that would probably save us all from having to read this terrible comic.

Actually, this is a moot point, anyway: I was able to find Harvest Moon sprites of Jack after only a few minutes on Google.

I’m sure everyone knows about this Jack Thompson freak and his game proposal. guess what? he’s a liar. they made that game, then he went back his word: Story Here. I can’t discribe that guy without going agaisnt my private polices! Though I did see a picture of him, and makes me wonder, was it him or his parents who were tking drugs. I would usally say sorry if such comment is sputted out, but Jack, you diserve it! You are not only a freak and a liar, but you are also a hippocrite! If you keep this up, people of the future might start comparing you to hitler! the only information on you I got was from the wikipedia. That’s all I need to know. STOP TRY TO GET RICH OFF OF LIES! I’m done now.

Okay, this guy’s got to be a troll. First off, I love how he acknowledges that we already know about Jack Thompson, but still explains him to us, anyway. I doubt anyone who reads sprite comics wouldn’t already know about this story and wouldn’t already think he’s an idiot, so I can’t understand how he contributes to it. Like I’ll be saying, “Gee, thanks for telling me that this Jack Thompson guy was a liar; I thought he was so great before!”

A few lines I’d like to highlight:

“If you keep this up, people of the future might start comparing you to hitler!” Suing a bunch of video game companies and going back on his promises vs. murdering over six million people based on racism? Those are pretty similar.

“The only information on you I got was from wikipedia. That’s all I need to know.” This is why I think he’s a troll. Why else would he admit to such a thing? Who goes on about something, and then suddenly admits, “oh, by the way: I have no idea what I’m talking about”?

Sonic-chao!

There seems to be this illusion that having characters simply annoy other characters and exaggerated expressions are suitable jokes. They are not. Especially when you don’t even draw said expressions.

King:

Bro, it’s not to late, please do a rant.

Oh, god. I think you’ve done enough rants to embarrass yourselves.

That Creepy Bastard:

The guy is like McCarthy. He’s exploiting people’s ignorance of video games for personal power. I was against him from his attack on GTA. His arguments were based around the idea that kids shouldn’t play GTA. He’s right, they can’t even buy the game. No amount of legislation is going to prevent parents from buying M-Rated games for their children, just the same as with R-Rated movies. And then he attacked Rockstar for content left on the disc that you couldn’t access without a cheating device and codes designed to unlock it, or with a mod on the computer. It is something kids aren’t going to do accidently, in a game they shouldn’t be playing. But all the mainstream hears is “SEX, in VIDEOGAMES?!? Videogames are for kids!!!!” Oh well. Thompson is going down, Penny-Arcade has shut him down.

I’ll give this creepy motherfucker credit: at least McCarthy actually has some relevance to Jack Thompson (although I find Fredric Wertham an apter comparison). Also, he makes real arguments other than “he lies”, as obvious as they still are. (Although, technically the “kids can’t buy Rated-M games in stores” idea isn’t purely accurate, although that’s not any video game companies’ faults, but the stores’.)

The Truth About Amy

Okay, ignore the laziness of this comic and instead focus on the lower-right corner of the final panel. I will allow you to think of whatever thought you find most suitable.

Heat Wave

Wait, Link still thinks Samus is a guy? Didn’t he hit on Samus earlier? Hmm.

Not-So-Shocking Revelation

The budget on this comic is so low they couldn’t even afford to copy and paste the rest of the characters on the screen; they couldn’t afford fictional characters’ salaries.

Brogalio:

King and I are using Microsoft Paint to make our comics. I know it seems primitive when looking at the webcomics created with Photoshop or somethign similar, but it suits our needs. We keep the backgrounds rather plain for simplicity and so we can re-use them when needed. Anything more complicated we usually take from a sprite sheet or something similar. And I guess that’s a rant.

Note to Webcomic creators: a rant is not simply you giving your opinion, like in a blog. It is specifically complaining about something that you feel passionately against.

Here’s a rant: No, MS Paint does not serve your needs, idiots. Your backgrounds are plain because you’re lazy and have no sense of taste. Go download GIMP or Paint.NET and use some fucking video game backgrounds, you slackers.

At the very least you need another program to optimize your comic, as MS Paint has no optimization technology whatsoever. Of course, it would help to not make your comic so god damn big. It’s not even as if they use much of that space; most of it is empty gray. The sprites are still microscopic. It’s almost as if these assholes fuck up on purpose.

How DOES He Save Hyrule?

Sonic’s been stuck with Mario so long now he’s humping the floor.

Would you have guessed that the punchline of this comic is Link acting stupid, leading someone to ask “how does this guy save Hyrule so often?” Oh, sorry, the punchline is Mario saying “Hmm…”. Because it adds so much to the joke. Indeed, the punchline should have just been “You stole Samus’s arm cannon!” and ended there. Everthing afterwards adds nothing to the joke, except to reaffirm the joke as if the readers’ are too stupid to comprehend it.

The Pink… Thing… Speakth!

I can’t blame Kirby for wanting to run away from this comic.

Brogalio:

Worry not, this is not the end of Kirby’s “pie-o” vocabulary. And in responce to your question King, I got a few complaints from the other side of the Multiverse about the noise. ;)

Yeah, I was worried about losing that hilarious running gag. Nothing’s funnier than having characters say the same meaningless word all the time.

Sorry, no Halloween Special. We failed to prepare one in time.

Phew. Well, at least we dodged that bullet.

Mario vs. Chao

I’m more distracted by whoever got their god damn hair dandruff all over the counters in the background. That’s not sanitary.

Brogalio:

It’s hard to make detailed scenary that’s also proportional to the character sizes. I guess that’s why the walls are rather bare.

Yeah, it’s too bad you can’t make the characters bigger, or the panels smaller. Then you wouldn’t get those big globs of bandwidth-wasting space.

Link? SMART? No Way!

Motherfuckers, did you really just write a “joke” about Link and Sonic arguing about Shakespeare? How does being able to memorize some easily memorable line from Shakespeare make you smart, anyway?

Wait. Link called Shakespeare “medieval knowledge”. Well, that kind of undermines that whole “Link’s sometimes smart” joke.

The Mysterious Door of Mystery!

The redundant redundancy! (Yeah, sure, it was probably on purpose; but we can never know about these two).

Okay, why is this jerkoff in this comic and what relevance does it have to the series? I mean, I’m not exactly sad that Link’s dumbass adventures have been interrupted; but this is at least ten times worse. Maybe it’s all a gambit to make me appreciate the other comics more, with the realization that they could miraculously produce something even worse.

King:

The first comic entirly devoted to ME! Yeah, I like to mess with looholes. Also, that wierd grey guy is Known as Loyal Minion, and yes, that IS his name. He’ll appear now and again to serve me, and he likes his work, so I don’t need to pay him much, or pay him period.

Your insatiable ego is nourished. Yay.

Brogalio:

I discovered this odd door awhile ago, with no clue ohe it got there. I knew King’s curiosity could prove disatrous for whatever lay beyond it, so I set up a little security that would prevent King from even touching it. However, it obviously didn’t take him long to find the gaping loophole.

This isn’t real. Stop pretending like it is. You are not a douche bag ninja and a douchier-looking Sonic recolor. You’re far douchier.

Brogalio:

Am I the only one wondering why Loyal Minion looks so much like me?

I don’t see how that is since you were the one who created it—god I hate you all! And don’t try to tell me King made this, because I know his stupid ass can’t figure out how to even open MS Paint.

Intermission

I need a fucking break from this garbage, so let’s look around and see what extras their website has.

Ask King: Advice from a Nutty Ninja

He’s not being cute when he calls himself “nutty”. This motherfucker would bite a human’s head off if he didn’t get his Ridalin on time. Well, let’s see what insipid questions their viewers sent them… huh?

No one sent me questions, So me and bro made these ones up!

What? Ha, ha, ha! Are you fucking with me? Then don’t answer them. If you’re going to come up with the questions yourselves, then you might as well just call it an “about us” page, or something. Because that’s all you’re doing: you’re telling other people. Actually, you’re telling me and your grandmothers.

I’m going to admit something: I’ve done something similar many years ago. You want to know the difference? I didn’t admit to making the questions up. Who would do that? Even my young, dumb ass knew better.

You can imagine that not only are the questions idiotic, the answers are amazingly even dumber. So even compared to those of imaginary people, King’s intellect is still inadequate.

They also have a few other extras, like Brogalio’s diary about some convoluted pseudoscientific bullshit and some shoes-go-on-feet obvious tutorial on creating sprite comics; but nothing worth dedicating any fine detail to. God, I can’t even make an entertaining intermission for their comic.

Enter Brogalio

Now please make him leave.

I must say, that “Abyssness” looks an awful lot like a bunch of white circles swimming in… I can’t even make a comparison. I guess this is supposed to be space. Those stars must be really close if they’re that big.

Creepy Webmaster Motherfucker:

The article system is mostly done! I’ll upload it on Friday, after I run some tests and make sure everything is working.

Soon you’ll be able to read wonderful articles by the Nintendo Acres Staff.

How hard is this “article system” to set up? It doesn’t seem like their “wonderful” articles need more than a couple fresh HTML pages. Did it really take that long to set up a couple of HTML pages and set up a style sheet, or did he really need to write his own blog software from scratch? Because if he did the latter, well, I feel bad for him, wasting so much effort. I hope they at least paid him.

King’s Floor Mumblings

Oh, just look at that contrived zaniness! I especially love that Wizard of Oz reference. You know, because it’s so fresh. You two are regular trailblazers!

By the way, those tacky black lines do not do as word bubble tails. Back to the drawing board, guys.

Brogalio:

Well, well, looky where King landed…

Not in a vat of acid, like I hoped.

King:

My first mumbling is my signature, when ever my face hits something, I always say “My facebone… it hurts…”. We also make fun of it from time to time.

I sometimes wonder if King says things like this to real people he meets. Then I remember that anyone he meets probably runs in fear long before he could utter his first syllable (or mumble, in this case). Hell, I don’t even think there’s really a Brogalio—nobody would have a name that stupid. He just made him up to make himself look popular. I’m on to you!

Also, instead of thinking up something stupid, and then making fun of how stupid it is, why not get rid of the stupidness? Unless you have the delusion that such stupidity is funny. Guess what? It isn’t. It’s annoying.

The intended punchline is Samus’s remark to Link in panel 4, not King’s final mumbling.

No, the punchline is whatever the last line is. Making what you wanted to be the punchline anything other than the punchline is the epitome of idiotic. That’s like putting socks on your arms.

King:

A bit of advice: never advertise on gaia, the only posters insult you.

No, I think that’s just you.

Brogalio in Nintendo Acres

We know the idiotic author is still here—stop rubbing it in.

For those of you still not convinced—as if that was possible—”Welcome to Nintendo Acres” is their idea of a punchline. Well, unless one of them put the “real” punchline in the wrong spot again.

And who the hell says “doopp doop doop…” while walking? Does Sonic have Tourette’s Syndrome all of a sudden?

King:

I have NOTHING to say besides: EMAIL ME QUESTIONS! I can’t make an articlae without questions!

No, no, no: you already had me at “I have NOTHING to say”.

Brogalio:

Even I wonder how it is I wound up in the hallway when King landed in the living room…

No you don’t, because you fucking wrote it! Unless you’re so incompetent you can’t even devise your own fake world.

Dealing with the Fourth Wall

Nope! Nope! I refuse to even read this one on principle. Fuck you guys. Come back when you’re ready to get serious about this “sprite comic” thing.

Brogalio:

In case you fail to notice for some reason, King and Link are looking out at you in the last panal.

Thanks for telling me, since I’m blind. Because I’m sure plenty of blind people would want to read a sprite comic they can’t see. Then again, looking at that comic again, I can see that blindness does have its benefits sometimes.

11/19/05- the webmaster accidently deactivated our ability to access the Control Panel, so sorry about no comic yesterday.

Why couldn’t it stay that way?

Paradox Theory

This is so god damn trite I can’t even make fun of it. Why not just write a story about the author deciding the quit the comic? That’s original, right? Actually, how about the authors just quit the comic in real life.

Brogalio:

Um… it seems we’ve got some problems here with the NA universe… Don’t worry, I’m working on fixing it as I type

Oh ho ho. My sides are splitting at this brilliant use of lampshade hanging.

11/23/05 Filler

And yet it’s still counted as number 32. So we can see it in the archives and have our time wasted, no doubt.

Brogalio:

Um… Yeah… I’m still working on our little universe implosion problem… So… Read this while you wait.

Are you two so stupid you actually believed your own story? Are you also paranoid of everything around you because you think Big Brother is watching you after reading 1984? Or are you two just lazy assholes who pretend their story is real so you can take the day off.

The Big Restart

P1: You can repeat your insipid catchphrase all you want, King: no one will ever find it funny.

P2: “Good thing I made up some arbitrary bullshit to explain the other arbitrary bullshit!”

P3+4: So, I guess this comic subverts the surprise by… giving us exactly what we expect.

Brogalio:

K, everything’s fixed now.

Um, actually, I have this tiny list of problems I would like to bring up with you…

A Real SPLITTING Headache

”A Real SPLITTING Headache” is everyone’s reaction to reading this comic. They really walked into that one.

I guess this joke is a reference to Shadow The Hedgehog, which I never played. Although, I did review the game for my middle school newspaper. Without playing it. I was actually able to describe it about as well as the majority of video game reviewers, actually, just based on screenshots and other reviews of the game. That’s concerning.

Brogalio:

When I heard about the numerous stroy paths you could take in the Shadow the Hedgehog game, I couldn’t resist devoloping this comic.

I’m sorry about that, too. I’m also sorry you can’t spell worth jackshit.

Demon Shadow’s Rampage

”The guys will NEVER believe this…” I already don’t believe it: who could use effects so terrible? There’s B Movies, and then there’s this, ten billion steps below.

I guess the joke is that Shadow’s “evil”—Ooooooo! What a fucking load.

Brogalio:

Note to self: NEVER try to hand-draw flame effects with Microsoft Paint. EVER.

You just figured that out?

King:

I think it’s time we get photoshop…

Keep in mind that this is King making this point. It’s that obvious.

Beatin’ on the Koopa King

Let’s see: eye-searing colors, hard-to-read text, jokes ripped-off from NC Comix, and MS Paint barf. Quality!

In fact, this whole joke of “Shadow thinks he’s a hero and attacks innocent people!” joke is just a less funny rip-off of Citrus Man, another joke from NC Comix. Man, when you’re ripping off NC you need help.

Brogalio:

Ok, I have no clue if Bowser is red or black or if either side has an advantage besides numbers. …

Luckily, nobody cares.

King:

First off, I’m mad you have to pay to see the CAD-animations. Second, I’m able to hack into bro’s account. Which really doesn’t make much difference… Oh! And one last thing… E-MAIL ME!!!!!!!!

I think King might be a little desperate for e-mails. Just a hunch.

I would be mad if someone expected me to pay money for that shit, too.

By the way, nowhere does Brogalio show any concern that his account is accessible to his disturbed brother. Then again, knowing King, Brogalio probably just taped a piece of cardboard that says “Brogalio’s Account” in big, kid letters so King would think he was smart enough to get in. He just thought of it as a treasure hunt.

Messy Aftermath

I’m actually quite glad somebody trashed that tacky fucking logo.

Okay, I will begrudgingly admit that the first three word bubbles in panel three are kind of funny together. The whole “evil twin” joke is cliché as hell, though.

Holy shit these two blabber on about crap nobody cares about. Okay, just one comment:

King:

8 comments, I think thats a new recored! and I didn’t figure out the amout of lines, letters, or pixels used! You know what that means? Yep, I’m lazy. Also, They need to make a fantasy channel. no far sci-fi get their own channel, no fair at all…

Eight comments! They’re making Penny Arcade and xkcd look obscure! And all they had to do was talk about some really nerdy subject like “sci-fi vs. fantasy”.

Also, starting a sentence with a numeral is bad style. Then again, looking at the rest of his grammatical errors, I think that’s the last of his worries.

Setting the Stage for Chaos

”Nothing will stop me from fulfilling Maria’s last wish.” Not even text that fucks up your eyes as you try to read it.

Brogalio:

Um… I’ve got nothing to say right now. Except that I’m trying to complete a common scholarship application by friday, get the finishing toches done on my Eagle scout application by friday, and get around to getting applicatiosn in for college before Christmas. My life is halfway to chaos right now, kinda like the future of Nintendo Acres as we know it.

Judging by your spelling, and, well, the entirety of Nintendo Acres, I don’t think college is the right place for you.

We Have a Plan!

Unlike the authors!

”Well, thank you Deus Ex Machina Eggman! I’m glad you just happened to pop in at just the right moment!”

Metroid Malfunction

Um, did I skip a page or two? When did Metroids factor into this comic at all?

Don’t bother reading the comments: they’re all just “I’m a fucking tool!” over and over again. That’s what I read, at least.

Okay, they did whine about how nobody reads their comic. But what about your eight whole comments, guys.

Shadow’s a Smooth Talker

Well, whatever gets this stupid plot over with quicker is great with me. Thanks, Shadow.

Of course, this will just lead into an even worse plot. In this case the only solution I guess is to shut off my browser.

Koopa King Cake

I think Bowser got his plan backwards: you’re supposed to trick them into thinking it’s not a bomb. Luckily, Sonic is apparently okay with blowing up his house if it kills his roommates. Sonic’s been suicidal ever since Sega gave up the Dreamcast.

King:

If you think cake looks, wait ’til yousee the next one!

What is this, some kind of Zen riddle?

Another Cake, Another House

”Hey, Bowser: have you noticed that our kitchen is the exact same as our neightbors, except splattered with purple?” I actually have to admit that I was wrong about the gray issue. These two make every color of the rainbow look horrific, somehow.

And what kind of punchline is “Now help me get this cake down…” “Okay…”? It’s not even a bad joke; it’s simply not a joke at all. What, are you guys ripping-off Achewood, now?

King:

This comic is making fun of how bro made the counter to big. I had him down size in for future comics. Also, I recieved an e-mail (no question though…) from someone today. If I get permission, you’ll see it on the site.

Okay. Why, then, does Eggman say “Okay…”? Was it important to the joke that Eggman agrees to Bowser’s request? Hell, saying “fuck off, fatty” would have been just a little funnier, and even that’s not that great of a joke.

Back Fence Humor

And to think, all this bullshit for a Home Improvement reference. That’s… that’s pretty bad.

King:

Permission’s been granted, here it is:

Hello King,

I just had to let you know that there are people reading your webcomic. I read it faithfully. I think it is extremely amusing and very well done. Unfortunately I have no questions for you…only comments…but keep up the good work!

Truly yours,

Myst

Nobody wrote that—you just made that up. Who says “I just had to let you know that there are people reading your webcomic”? What, does this guy congregate with all of them? I don’t see no fucking forum. And if there was one, these guys would have to be brain-dead to not know if anyone was reading their comic. Plus, who writes so fucking formally? “Well, you see here, good man: I thought that the part in which Shadow is split into an evil version and a good version was quite exquisite, yes.”

A Villainous Rant

Okay, King and Brogalio didn’t even write this joke: they copied it off of FreeJokes.com and plugged Ganon and Eggman into it. I can just imagine the writing process for this one:

”Okay, (snickers) so we have this evil guy who’s really dark and evil, but (snicker) he loves lemon squares! Get it? Because evil people don’t normally do that!

Brogalio:

Ganon’s probably the character closest to having a true mental condition.

”I based it on King. Don’t tell him.”

And we’ve just put up our first vote incentive. Vote for Nintendo Acres to see the official Flag of Nintendo Acres, made by King.

”Because we know nobody’s dumb enough to vote for this garbage on merit alone, we’re bribing you for votes!” In political elections you’d go to jail for this.

Merry Christmas 05!

”Except you anti-American Jewish Commies!” Actually, I don’t even know if these guys are American. If you two are reading this, please replace “American” with whatever country you live in. Also, don’t do holiday specials; they’re god awful.

King:

Also, greg= Hot chocolate. You know how some people call coffee “Joe”?

The greatest jokes are those that must be explained in a news post. What, are you guys ripping-off Penny Arcade, now?

Brogalio:

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah(sp?), Happy Kwanza… Winter Solstice is past so… Yeah, I think that covers it for the December holidays.

You forgot Boxing Day, you insensitive assholes.

Hide and Sheik

I’d like to think that Shadow’s line in panel four is directed at the writers of this comic.

King:

I know this comic isn’t funny, it’s just there to introduce the “cool guys”. My first “Ask King” article’s up, enjoy.

”I’m hoping the next article will have real questions this time, and not ones I made up myself!”

I’m sure glad King admits this comic sucks and still posts it, all to awkwardly introduce… the “cool guys”, whoever the fuck they are.

Flour, Flower, What’s the Difference?

Comma, semicolon; what’s the difference?

So the joke is that Link mistakes “flour” for “flower”, even though that makes no sense as they are pronounced the same. You cannot misspell a word you’re saying, unless you’re spelling it out “F.L.O.U.R.”, which he is not doing.

Spoiler Alert: Link and Zelda arguing over whether or not Zelda is Sheik is not funny. Just in case you didn’t figure that puzzle out yourself.

King:

This is one of my favorite story arcs. Also, I thinks it’s Meta Knight who’s talking in the first panel. Also, Shiek IS a ninja, everyone knows that! Right?

1. How can this be your favorite arc if it just started? Then again, anything is better than that Shadow split-personality bullshit.

2. How do you not know who’s talking in that first… nevermind. I forgot, you guys still can’t figure out your own fucking comic, yet.

Brogalio:

I’ve already got numerous articles in my Multiversal Journal. So if you want to learn about the workings of the Multiverse(at the least my version of it), check it out.

Brogalio later won a Nobel prize for developing the cure for insomnia. Speaking of which, what we really need is a cure for inSONICnia; I still can’t get over how god awful that comic is.

Link’s Logic

Thanks, Chao, for ruining my eyesight with your uncontrasted text! And thank you, writers, for that random ending. Then again, maybe I fell asleep at the part where Link cloned himself or something.

How Romantic…

How horrifically bad…

The joke here is that Link disguises himself as a waiter so that he can make the moves on Zelda. Except he doesn’t disguise himself at all, except for maybe dressing in a yellower shade of green. They actually took a trite joke and fucked it up, making it even stupider. There’s gotta be a medal for that somewhere.

The Kirby joke would be funnier if I wasn’t too busy wondering what kind of chemicals are in that food to make Kirby’s outline magically change color in that last panel.

King:

That’s right! They left their homes! Also, in order to get more votes, we are following the steps of inSONICnia (check it out, it’s funnies!), we are not only putting exclusive stuffs behind the good ole vote button, but we are offering a prize if we reach the top one hundred! The prize? I’ll show you my NEW lab (looks a whole lot better)!

Oh, Jesus! Speaking of inSONICnia… I swear I didn’t know these assholes would even mention this comic, although I can’t be too surprised, given their tastes in humor comics (the kind devoid of any kind of humor). Well, now Brogalio’s gonna have to give back his Nobel prize. He may have cured insomnia, but he helped spread inSONICnia, which is far worse. Insomnia makes you lose sleep; inSONICnia makes you lose brain cells.

Oh, and stop giving away shit for votes. How desperate can you get?

Brogalio:

Notice Kirby? He frequents that retaurant when someone forgets to go shopping after he cleans out the fridge at home. That’s usually every day.

Jokes are generally funnier when they’re not pointed out. I wonder how long it will take for you guys to learn that. It seems kind of obvious, honestly.

I’ll try to have new vote bonus up by the end of the week, and I promise it’ll be more interesting than a flag.

Even they admit that flag was fucking worthless.

He’s WAY off Key

How can you not know that’s Link? He looks just like him! Look at him! What, is that yellowish tint really throwing you two off?

Also, apparently Link’s music is so bad that it breaks the window… revealing solid wall behind it. How the fuck does that make sense? Okay, so they called it a “window picture” earlier: but what the hell is that? A window is something that lets you see outside of something. So if it’s a window, there shouldn’t be a god damn wall behind it.

Oh, I forgot to make fun of their attempt to use bad accents for humor. Here goes: they attempted to use bad accents for humor. Let’s laugh at how incompetent they are.

Am I Seeing Double?

Actually, it was pretty easy to expect. I hate to be the one to break it to you two, but, uh, this joke isn’t original in the slightest. Back to the drawing board.

But that’ll have to wait for another time, because I’m sick of this comic already. Instead of voting for this shitty comic, I say we vote for them to build a highway over Nintendo Acres.

-J.J.W. Mezun (June 12, 2011)

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About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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One Response to Nintendo Acres

  1. Galaxy says:

    The current iPhone 4 S, I’m still going samsung to stick with.

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