Earthbound: The True Story

This is apparently a retelling of the super-awesome video game Earthbound in the form of a not-so-super-awesome sprite comic created by the year 2021 (Real Name: Core Menors [alias]—so his real name is an alias I guess; that makes sense).

Issue #1: Delicious Beans

It’s a good sign when the first joke is based on flatulence—and then the author simply stretches it further in the next panel.

I’m really glad Lucas (seriously, fuck his nickname) felt the need to refute this terrible myth: Nintendo tried to trick us into thinking Ness wore normal clothes? Those bastards! And then all of my English teachers tried to trick me into thinking ellipses had three dots—but Lucas demolished that myth! No, no, no: you only need two, you fool!

Issue #2: Family Issues

Apparently Lucas died (or maybe he was too busy saving the world from pork armies) after the first issue and was replaced with “Core ‘2021’ Menors.” I just hope Menors can match the insightful, no-nonsense reporting on Earthbound canon that Lucas blessed us with.

Apparently Menors could not match Lucas’s font, replacing it with the always exciting Comic Sans MS. Considering I was kidding about the author changing (he only changed his dumb name to an even dumber name—that’s all), I can only guess that he just couldn’t even remember which font he used. How professional. Maybe Blambot, the company he probably got that font from, sued him because his comic made their work look bad? I’m not the kind of amazing reporter that Menors is so I am unsure.

That’s not even the worst of the word bubble problems here, though. For one, despite the fact that Menors clearly can center the text (look at panel two), for some reason Menors does not always choose to do so, not minding the blocks-of-text’s edges scraping against the circumference of the word bubbles. Beautiful! And then he sometimes just slap-dashes the dialogue onto the bubbles, such as Ness’s sister’s dialogue in panel two. You can’t really blame him, though: it’s sometimes pretty hard to aim text at the word bubbles; it takes lots of practice. I’m also not sure why Menors decided to make the word bubbles have weird pink and white gradients and opacity effects; but they sure aren’t distracting—no sire!

Jesus, I spent so much time on that I haven’t even gotten to the meat of this thing. Well, that’s because this comic has no meat—it’s just bones. Like most terrible sprite comics, all of the characters in this piece are bored sociopathic robots. “Go take your sister even though she sucks.” “Whatever. Shut up.” These characters are so incapable of emoting that there actually needs to be a text box to indicate that Ness is angry, because otherwise we’d think he just had depression.

And if you get bored by their inanities (and you will), then the author added some edginess: the little girl does crack. An innocent video game character does something adult and vulgar? Ingenious! Oh, and don’t forget to make everyone just talk about how she does crack out in the open, like it was nothing—that is a logical way for characters to behave. I know this is fantasy, but everyone knows that fantasy still needs the characters to act like people. You know, those things Menors might not have actually learned about yet.

I’m glad that Menors decided to add that oval background under the final author message: now we won’t have to worry about actually being able to read the message. I guess just putting the text over the black background would have been too useful for the reader.

Issue #3: Albuquerque

I think Menors’s A.D.D. acted up while making this comic: it goes in a hundred different directions, none of which lead to any jokes. The only joke present is one ripped off from Looney Tunes. And if that was too good, he added in another character calling him an idiot for good measure.

Apparently the author agrees with this sentiment, because he says in his final author comment, “Hmm.. [Hmm… period, period] This comic doesn’t flow too well.. [period, period]” If you knew the comic was bad maybe you should have, I dunno, made it not bad anymore or not post it. I mean, you clearly already knew what the problem was—fix it.

Anyway, I… I know it’s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I’m trying to make here is, I hate sprite comics! (Okay, okay, I realize the hypocrisy of making an obscure reference after constantly complaining about other sprite comics doing so; so for now on I will give the next reference I find a free pass, no matter how stupid I think it is.)

Crescent Moon:

Daytime Onett BG made darker?!

:0

Really, look on the EarthBound guide at Starmen.net; they have every background, I think.

It seems Crescent Moon is the reporter this time. (I didn’t even notice Menors’s hackish job until this comment noted it.) For shame, Menors!

Issue #4: Alien Invasion?!

Hey, another font change—this time Impact! Because I guess Menors felt the dialogue wasn’t painful enough to read already.

“Is this guy retarded? He used the wrong form of ‘you’re’ twice.”

Menors’s laziness shows itself again in the final logo thing down there in the lower right. “I’ll just throw the text around wherever—no one’s gonna read this shit, anyway.”

Issue #5: I Will Rule Over You All.

With so many sprite comics overusing exclamation marks I’m surprised this title which would actually have a use for one does not have one. Apparently it isn’t much of a concern.

Augh. Fuck you, Menors. Not only do you put your stupid self in your own comic (stop doing that, sprite comic creators! It’s old hack!), you also give him your insipid nickname. And his goal for this comic? To be some badass ruler of the world that the author wishes he could be! (After he helps his mother hang her plants.)

Issue #6: Zomg a plot.

Panel Two: You know, as bad as most fan fiction is, at least you can read the others clearly, which is more than one can say about this. And apparently that story took everything out of “Core,” because he just stands there asleep for the rest of the comic. I would, too, if I were in his shoes.

Oh, wait, so Lucas and Menors are different people? Or is the author saying that these are both of his names (how many names do you need)?

Issue #7: Gee, It Sure is Boring Around Here

You got that right.

“Mah boi, this peace is what all true warriors strive for.” (I made a promise and I am going to keep it, I made a promise and I am going to keep it…) Actually, since this is just an extra author comment and not the punchline, this wouldn’t be so bad; although, I must say that Zelda CDI jokes are hardly new. I know I’ve complained about obscure jokes, but I prefer them over cliché jokes any day. Oh yeah, and the author did point out exactly where the quote came from, kind of spoiling the reference anyway. Hey, I promised I wouldn’t complain about the reference itself; not the way the author dealt with it.

Issue #8: Ness ALWAYS Has the Best

Dark Hamsterlord (sigh): “Wow, look at that shotty sprite work. You can even see the beam cut off around his sprite.”

Ness wasn’t really concerned about his house getting dissed; but he cannot tolerate anyone mistaking a lot as one word—especially if they do it through speech, which doesn’t even make any sense.

Issue #9: Pajamas

Hey, one of the authors (who is 18 years old, by the way) falls in love with a little girl from a cartoon video game and wears her clothes—that’s not creepy at all!

Final panel: I think you’re a little too late for your threats there, Lucas: he’s already laughing.

Issue #10: Crappy Effects FTW

Panel three: Clearly those noises came from that ghost right in front of Lucas, who is now yelling at them to shut up in multiple fonts (I guess the authors weren’t kidding about the crappy effects). I guess even those from the afterlife don’t like these two. I can’t blame them.

Final two panels: Wait, that garbage can was thrown from the second floor by one of the kids, right? Why do they have a garbage pail in their room? Aren’t those usually reserved for outside?

Menors (2021):

I know I already did this joke, but I just thought this perfectly encapsulates the average sprite comic creator’s manifesto.

Issue #11: Wut?

It says something about my experience making fun of sprite comics when I am actually surprised that the authors didn’t do a joke off of the Bumblebee Man from The Simpsons, but not surprised that they did do a joke about a guy in a bee suit.

Menors:

@EatFoodItGood: We’re pretty much making a spoof on the real game. If you must, find an emulator and a rom of the game.

I must admit that I find it genuinely funny that Menors is blatantly endorsing illegal downloading of video games (even if it is a game that is pretty near impossible to buy traditionally). You wouldn’t steal a purse, would you, Menors? You would? Oh, okay: carry on, then.

Issue #12: Blargh, Text

I think you mean “Blargh, Text That is Hard to Read.”

First Panel: We’re really making that into a running gag? Eating beans?

Final Panel: And Core prepares for his next play.

Interestingly, Ness is still not paying attention, meaning that he will just have to keep repeating the same story for the rest of the series. So, basically, it will be like reading Atlas Shrugged. (Damn it! Now I see why sprite comic authors keep doing this.)

Actually, that’s apparently the rest of the series, since this was the last strip, posted back in 2008. That means either Menors and Lucas are in an even worse time warp than Recon, or they’re like most sprite comic creators who do a sprite comic for a while and then get bored and stop in the middle of it. Oh well, at least that made this series mercifully short.

-J.J.W. Mezun

Published: January 13, 2012

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About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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