The Poisonous Bros. Adventures, Chapter Two

Read Chapter One

In Bowser’s Castle

“For the last time! My name is not Wonky-Doodle head!” A promising start.

Panel Three: Where we’ll forget the dialogue tail.

The Mysteries of Word Boxes

The mystery is why I thought devoting even only three-fourths of this comic to this inane topic.

“Hey, I have a hilarious punchline for this comic.”

“Really? What is it?”

“I haven’t thought of it yet.”

The Chasm Catastrophe

I hope you like “Mario is dumb” jokes, because that’s what the rest of these comics are pretty much about. Let me point out, though, that these are the good comics; you don’t even want to touch the ones with Bowser and those purple jerkasses.

But just look at that fancy angry eyebrow on Luigi in that final panel! It’s so fancy it’s on Luigi’s hat, as eyebrows are wont to reside.

Mario’s Weakness; The Chasm

I could have sworn I used a colon for these titles; but, no, they all have semicolons. I even checked out the really old pages and they all have it, too.

Oh, right, and I think the next few comics are going to be this same “Greg says what Mario’s weakness is, Bowser says Mario’s too amazing to fall for it, Mario fails” joke. Let me point out that I started reading a lot of newspaper comics at this time—especially Garfield.

Mario’s Weakness; The Lakitu

I love how I just throw that “Copyright 2003” text anywhere, half-assed-like.

What? You expected me to say something about the comic itself? It’s the same joke as the previous comic.

Mario’s Weakness; The Spiny

Panel One: Bowser, you just contradicted yourself:

“We hates the strategy guide! We hates it!”

“No, we loves it! We loves it!”

“I hate you” is another punchline that is almost never funny. Did I mention this shit was inspired by newspaper comics, yet?

Spiny’s Weakness; The Stupidity

If that were true then they should have burst into flames just by being in this comic.

“Whattta iss itt!” (laughs) What the fuck? Was that my attempt at a scared tone or an Italian accent?

Oh yeah, and I ripped off a joke from Looney Tunes, which is always the best way to write jokes.

Mario’s Weakness; Deception

You know, Luigi seems kind of like a sociopath in this comic. I mean, he couldn’t care less if Mario got mauled to death by Spinies—hell, he wouldn’t even turn around to look at him. And I know you probably think he’s showing concern in that last panel; but look at that stoic expression on his face.

Mario’s Weakness; The Hammer Bros.

Jesus, Bowser: if you have such little faith in your own minions then why do you use them? No wonder Bowser lost: he just stands around whining about every decision being imperfect instead of actually doing something.

Of course, the characterization of Mario characters allows for a lot of creativity considering how undeveloped they are in the games; but Mario cowering behind Luigi goes so far as to flip their personalities upside-down.

Okay, “So, whazza plan, man!” is Mario’s sitcom catchphrase.

Hammer Bros.’ Weakness: Lying

I love my 2006 comment on this comic: “You had to have seen Mario’s diologue in panel four coming.” The audience seeing a joke coming is a pretty good indication that the joke isn’t very good.

Bowser’s Weakness; Being Called Stupid

Mezun’s Weakness; Bowser and the Poisonous Bros. strips.

I mean, for god’s sake— this is a fucking comedy routine here. I can just imagine them all skipping their feet like a bunch of hyperactive squirrels holding their canes and wearing striped shirts and caps. Augh.

Brotherly Conversation

Is it me or is this whole series just “heroes run into enemy and then after a couple strips of screwing around they defeat it by doing something stupid” with filler strips about the villains added in for flavor (and that flavor is cyanide)?

Even the title admits this is just a bunch of bullshitting around; it pretty much says, “Yeah, the characters just talk about stuff—that’s all.”

Mario’s Weakness; Big, Scary Monsters with Laser Eye Vision

You know, the dialogue in the last panel to the naked eye doesn’t even deserve comment (it’s a character calling another character a pejorative again); but if you look at it deep you can marvel at how much it fails as dialogue. First, I need not even mention my misspelling of “theory” or misuse of a period, which is why I made sure to mention it here. More importantly, though, if one were to read this dialogue out loud it wouldn’t even make sense: Mario says “Theroy number one” like he’s about to make a clever little zinger, and then he yells. Jesus, Mario: calm down.

Mario’s Will

Right, because the will joke was really funny the first time.

Mario’s Weakness; Luigi’s Plan Not Working

Oh my god… “More like a BIG problem.” (Squeak! Squeak!)

The Return of Once Said, Twice Again

And now that big Koopa fuck gives you that stupid look in the last panel as if he were saying, “Get a look at these wackos!” Augh! I can’t believe I figured out a way to make this even worse than the original “Once Said, Twice Again.”

Inside Mario’s Mind

What happened to me around this time is what is called “falling off the wagon.” This one is particularly bad when one thinks about the punchline for even a second (don’t try this at home; it’s dangerous) and realizes imagining one’s self in a floating, purple bubble has nothing to do with The Twilight Zone. Oh, wait, sorry, it’s “The Twilite Zone.” Unfortunately, I never watched that show so I can’t understand this fine reference.

It’s Mushroom Time!

What happened to me around this time is what is called the author thinking, “Man, fuck this storyline: Mario randomly finds a mushroom somewhere and wins—the end.”

It’s Fireball Time!

Oh, come on! Even Garfield wouldn’t get away with this kind of copy-catting! I might as well have saved time and just copied and pasted the previous comic here instead of going through all the trouble of configuring this garbage.

Mario’s Weakness; Irony

I think Mario… started having… a stroke… in the middle of his speech in that first panel.

By the way, I love how that Goomba just comes in the hurt Mario and then goes back to the right, not even bothering going after Luigi.

The Belated Thanksgiving

Why couldn’t it be belated a little longer?

This is here so Recon can point at it and say, “Who made the shitty holiday comics now?” Luckily, I have at least a year before Recon figures out it’s 2011 and will be able to read this comic without exploding from the time paradox.

It is a grim kingdom that has policies that allows its own soldiers’ possible friends and/or family to be slaughtered and eaten for foreign holidays (why would the Koopa Kingdom celebrate an American holiday?). But if that was not enough evidence as to the savage nature of Bowser and the Poisonous Bros., look at the way they slobber so much saliva all over the place like god damn mongrels. I don’t think that much water-loss is very healthy.

Greg’s Weakness; Bowser Jinxing It

Um, actually Mario and Luigi are in World 1-2, not 2-1; so Bowser really didn’t jinx anything. Of course it couldn’t be that I was so stupid and lazy that I never checked these comics to make sure they even made sense—ha, ha, ha! That would be crazy.

Actually, the punchline is rather okay; although I can’t help thinking I’ve already done a couple “scared of wimpy Goombas” jokes in this series before. That I am not sure should be a good indication of how memorable these strips are for me.

Frozen in Time?

I’m actually going to defend myself somewhat: I actually haven’t seen too much fourth-wall breaking in this series—at least much less than I’d expect from my uncreative younger self. You know, a lot of people say kids are really creative; but it seems to me that they are some of the least creative people ever. I mean, there’s an obvious reason for this; but I still feel like its myth that should be dispelled.

Luigi’s Weakness; Mario Jinxing It

This “(blank)’s Weakness” running gag is kind of getting old.

Are Mario and Luigi stoned in that first panel? “Heh heh heh. They’ll never get us, man!” “There’s no fucking way they could!”

Even my younger self got so annoyed at these two jerkoffs that I killed them instantly.

Mario’s Weakness; Being Too Small

Wait, this comic didn’t have a joke. What was the point? Actually, now that I think about it, what was the point of any of these strips, really?

Mario’s Weakness; Goomba Sneak Attack

So Mario just stops to whine? Fuck e’m: he deserves to be the victim of such a forced joke. Seriously, these Goombas just wait around for Mario to do something that would make killing him ironic—just so they can make him feel worse. It’s like psychological warfare.

Mario’s Weakness; The Piranha Plant

Oh yeah, and here’s this joke again. This is an especially rudimentary version, too; the punchline is literally just Mario getting his ass chomped by a piranha plant.

Mario’s Weakness; Falling Off the Elevator

Actually, he fell with it.

(Hint: this comic’s only joke is something bad happening to Mario.)

To the Warp Zone if Four Frames!

That’s, um… terribly compelling, me. Why?

Decoy Dillemma

“It doesn’t look like your ‘fabulous’ army’s winning.” Is Greg trying to insinuate that Bowser’s army’s full of gays? “Ha, ha, ha! The only march your soliders belong in is a pride march!” Now is not the time for you to push your political views, Greg.

So the joke is describing an actual feature of Super Mario Bros. Why?

Mario’s Weakness; The Return of Lakitu

Hey, look—something bad’s happening to someone! Just like every other fucking joke!

That’s some fine eye-work in the final panel: giant colored rectangles.

Luigi’s Weakness; Mario’s Stupidity

Luigi, I think it would be best if you didn’t read your stage directions out loud. Asterisk sighs asterisk.

Luigi’s Weakness; Mario Naming Levels

This comic isn’t funny. Have I mentioned that yet? I… I just felt like that needed to be established.

Mario’s Weakness; The Return of the Chasm

Mezun’s Weakness; The Return of Jokes that Weren’t Particularly Funny the First Time

Luigi, what did I just fucking tell you?

Mario’s Weakness; The Three Goombas

Man, Mario just died in mid-air there—look, he didn’t even come up to the Goombas yet. What, did he just die of a heart attack mid-jump?

Mario’s Weakness; The Mushroom Trap

“Hey! How do you know that’s a… Oh, sorry, you didn’t say your line yet, did you?” Luigi, you need to go back to acting school.

Okay, if you pay attention to panels three and four you’ll notice that Mario actually went farther away from the left side between them. I think it’s pretty clear from the evidence that Luigi’s constant sociopathic belittlement has driven Mario to suicide.

To the Warp Zone in Eight Panels! Part 1

I love how I even had the audacity to add an exclamation mark after the title—because this shit is really exciting.

To the Warp Zone in Eight Panels! Part 2

Why?

Bowser’s Weakness; Mario-Phobia

Greg must really love that book; he doesn’t put it down throughout the whole strip, even though he’s not even reading it. Maybe he’s nervious that someone will steal it if he doesn’t keep his eye on it.

Mario’s Weakness; The Buzzy Beetle

“I really hate the second one.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean, this is incomprehensible to the person who wrote it; that’s an indication of how bad it is.

I think this one is, amazingly, an even lamer joke than Mario simply getting his ass chomped by a piranha plant.

Greg’s Weakness; “We Cheated!”

That’s a brilliant punchline there: Bowser just pointing out two characters’ names.

And for betraying him Greg’s “stratedgy guide” was instantly disposed of between panels three and four—most likely chucked into the lava.

Greg’s Weakness; Bowser Wasting the Episode

This is the fucking worst: it’s just padding and then a lame joke about how I made padding. I can’t help but think that this strip was even lazier than the “To the Warp Zone in Eight Panels!” strips; I mean, at least those had background variations.

Mario’s Weakness; “This won’t end well.”

Okay, once again, the characters jumped backwards even though they were supposed to jump forward. If these characters were all actors they would just be some bums you found somewhere near the subway, given about ten minutes preparation.

Luigi’s Weakness; Mario Being Stupid Again

This title is just another red alert: “By the way, this joke is going to be a repeat of a joke I did before.” What is this, rerun season?

And the joke is just cheesy monkey random bullshit. Licking jewelry? Why, that’ just downright zany! You know, I take back what I said about the padding comic; this is the fucking worst.

Castle Lava’s Weakness; Christmas!

This strip is here to remind you that no matter how terrible your Christmas is this year—no matter how much you hate your relatives or how much you’re freezing out in the snow after your house got foreclosed—well, at least you’re not reading this comic. Oh, wait: yeah you are. Whoops!

Okay, even ignoring insignificant details like the fact that Bowser telepathically throws the present and that the angle of the throw should have made the present go farther, this comic still makes no sense. What, did the gift unwrap itself, magically lengthen Mario and Luigi’s rope, and then tie that rope around itself? That’s not even some smart-ass detail—that’s pretty god damn conspicuous.

Mario’s Weakness; NES Confusion

“Damn, I knew I would have done better if I actually picked up the controller.”

Luigi’s Weakness; Idioticness

Mezun’s Weakness; Attempts to Be Cute by Making Up Nouns, Even Though Another Noun Already Exists For the Idea.

As insipid as this whole comic’s writing is, I must admit that I do like the detail of the rope swinging in panels one and two. However, this is utterly ruined by panel three’s angled rope.

Oh yeah, and Bowser’s right that they “can’t do that”: it kind of goes against the laws of physics for characters to just suddenly propel themselves in the air without any kind of force to do so. And then the rope just magically rips.

“On the last episode…”

Actually, I’m pretty certain none of this happened in the previous episode, if my immediate memory is correct.

So Mario and Luigi kicking Bowser backwards makes his castle spontaneously explode. Okay!

The transition between panels three and four is seriously flawed: you don’t even get to see the castle explode; you just see the castle and then it is suddenly three brown triangles.

And Mario’s just floating above Luigi in those first two panels! They’re all wrong! I mean, that didn’t even need to be done; I could have just had Mario there and pretend Luigi was behind him.

Everyone’s Weakness; The Epilogue

No, ho, ho—this shit ending can only give everyone strength.

Panel One: Um, actually, I’m pretty sure Peach must have died in the explosion, or at least be crushed by the castle’s debris.

Panel Four: If Greg truly felt the need to address the audience maybe he should have apologized for the author clearly dropping the ball on writing this strip. May I change, once again, my previous nomination and make this the true fucking worst?

And just to add to the inanity my 2006 comment abuses verbal irony to joke about how obvious Greg’s hint was. Fuck you, younger me.

Bowser’s Weakness; Time-Travel

Was that little effect in panel three truly necessary? Wasn’t the much simpler, and yet better, effect in panel two enough?

“And plan my revenge! Laughedy Laugh!” A promising end.

Read Chapter Three

-J.J.W. Mezun

Published: December 23, 2011

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About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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One Response to The Poisonous Bros. Adventures, Chapter Two

  1. 1337doom says:

    I say WHATTTA ISS ITT! all the time now.

    That probably didn’t make you feel any better about these.

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