Bar’d (Archive)

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a bunch of shitty Sonic recolors walk into a bar… what? You say that’s the most ridiculous premise you’ve ever read? Well, I introduce you to Bar’d.

Reminiscing on the paNDA [-ed Whatever the fuck that means]

Each comic seems to have some banner at the top that I guess is supposed to have jokes, but this one makes no sense whatsoever. Amy cosplaying as Link talks about how a bunch of her customers like some certain wine, while the other guy whom I guess is supposed to be infatuated with her nervously excuses himself away from her while looking down at his urine-soaked crotch. Seriously, it looks like he pissed himself, from nervousness I guess. How precious!

Panel 1: “Look! Dauchsanmon is evolving!”

Panels 2 and 3: I didn’t know the ancient Egyptians made sprite comics, too.

Panel 3: It was all of those atomic wedgies he gave him. I also like how the text is twisted and mutilated to fit in that tiny box there. It’s too bad you couldn’t have made the box, you know, bigger or type out the text and then put the box around it.

Panel 4: For someone who’s so angsty over what’s been done to him, he sure looks blissful in that panel. “I’m just gonna gallop down this street so I can get vengeance on those who mutilated me, doo doo doo!”

Panel 5: “Oh shit, they’ve thrown red paint at me! I’d better turn around and float away from this completely unrelated background! “

Panel 6: And now his son, the baby-form, is evolving, too!

Panel 7: See, the panda can even only say his unoriginal Pokémon species name.

And we’re really sticking with these boxes for dialogue? Because, you know, who the fuck needs tails when we can color code it and put it in some strange picture frame?

“BRARGGHHH.” Man, Dregan must have been pretty pissed when he wrote this comment. Maybe he’s trying to make it his catch phrase.

Yes, I know there are reader comments, but they’re all just random bullshit and sycophancy (the panda joke really had them going!… whatever that joke was). Without Anonymous, or the author transcribing his comic in text form like Recon, there’s just no magic in it.

How to Destroy Society

Answer: write Bar’d.

This logo has a strutting, beatnik rat giving some hammy lecture which ironically looks like it belongs in poetry itself.

“If I let you in, then these sonic sprite mod rejects will mock you and then we’ll have to shoehorn in some mushroom cloud clip-art.” Unfortunately, not even Dauchsanmon’s creepiest-face-in-the-world look will deter the panda, nor will physically stopping the panda either apparently. After all, with a zinger like that, all this mutilated freak can do is give a ridiculous reaction shot and perhaps play “wah-wah” music if it were technologically feasible. Then again, standing in front of the fucking door would help, too.

Yes, Dregan, adding speech bubbles is really difficult; especially when you do them incorrectly. AUGACHA.

SliceOfDog:

Best one ever! :p

This second comic is better than all of the one comic before it!

Sheepish suspicions

Inconsistent capitalization.

Logo: “Rejected Saturday-morning-cartoon character, let me rape you!”

Holy shit, what is this? A background? And not some half assed black line with some random color filled in around it? What is this sorcery?

Yeah, you can’t blame the giant freaking monster for not stopping a tiny panda from getting in, Shelia—you didn’t see the wicked punchline he gave him!

Oh, ho ho, Dauchsanmon, what a simp! Last time I checked, bars don’t serve juice and if they did they still wouldn’t let kids come in because, you know, they’re filled with possibly-dangerous drunkards.

Jesus, Dregan, two hours late? I think you’ll need a whipping for that offense.

Oh great. Reader comments indicate that there will be fan cameos in this comic—good ‘ol fan fellatio for you folks!

It wasn’t me, it was my biological make-up

The logo’s special in that all three dialogues have no relevance to each other. Also, to show how clever and original Dregan is, a “I AM SPARTA!” joke. Una maravilla.

You should listen to Shelia, Dauchsanmon (even if she has a stupid name): judging by how empty your bar is, you want as many customers as you can get. Then again, his tactics are probably the cause of this.

I don’t know how a seventeen-year-old mutant freak working at a bar is hypocritical for the freak as it is another indication of how this bar doesn’t obey the law, as even given varying age-based laws for different places, I’m sure you have to at least be old enough to drink alcohol to work at a bar, being around so much alcohol and all.

Poor Dregan’s got no “Diggs” for this.comic. Whatever the fuck a “Digg” is.

I didn’t notice until after the author pointed out the changed dialogue, but the word “bubbles” (more like “boxes”) now have tails… that are too small to see reliably. Coloring the tails the same as colors used a lot on the character they belong to doesn’t help, as you can see in the close-up panel of Dauchsanmon there.

Exerkol:

…Awesome comic as always Dregan…

It’s only his third comic.

I actually have to say that despite the somewhat over-the-top praising, the readers don’t seem very crazy. One guy even made a good critical comment about the dialogue tails (while still praising said comic) and wasn’t angrily shouted down like most sprite comics.

How To: Drunken Box

God damn it, Dregan; capitalization or not? Pick one (capitalization, preferably).

Logo: I’d like to start a new game called “Let’s Guess What That Mess of Pixels Is!” for whatever is on that blue Sonic recolor. I’ll say “bananas surrounded by spider webs”.

Get it? Because drunks are funny! And they have shade-less, red octopuses on their shoulders. I guess he thinks it’s a parrot.

I love how Dregan admits that this comic sucks, but still put it up. Also, those tails are not more noticeable at all, no matter how much you scream incomprehensibly before you start your comments.

I find it funny how one guy keeps complaining about how he can’t read this comic for technical reasons. To “FooPhantom”, if you are reading this: you’re not missing much.

Simple Showdown

Man, Dregan got lazy with the logo here; it’s the same as last comic’s.

Oh boy. Even better than a joke about a drunken idiot—a repeat of that same joke, more or less.

Dregan, if there’s nothing to say, then just don’t say anything. Blank space would have said the same thing, except wasted less time.

Slash Segary:

XD “…How’d I get out here…?” That is what you’d call blacking out while drunk.

You tell that fictional character off, Slash.

Closing call

To show you that Dregan can degrade even lower than stealing his logo joke from his previous self, now he’s gone low enough to steal a Family Guy joke—and paired it with the creepiest furry sprite I have ever seen. The assault this inflicts on my senses is unfathomable.

Don’t argue with Shelia, Dauchsanmon—she has a wall of text, and she knows how to use it. To bore all of the readers.

Jesus, does every one of these comics need to end with a Garfield-esche punchline? Next comic will have Vas dealing with a bunch of passed out hookers and say to himself “I hate Mondays,” as Porky Pig pops out saying “That’s all folks!” Calling this corny is offensive to corn—and that doesn’t even make sense.

Oh, but lucky for us we have the author popping in with a black void and walls of text that could not be, you know, typed into his author comments section. Although, you can bet this motherfucker will just repeat everything said in this comic there, or simply tell you to read it begging the question, what’s the point of having author comments if you’ll just shove them in the comic, while reserving the author comments for saying “nothing to say today, guys”? God, this is fucking stupid. And I don’t care how much you attempt to apologize for your fuck-ups, Dregan, this author comment insert chucklefuckery is inexcusable.

To make this all the more delectable, Dregan’s reason for “nicking these last two panels” (as well as nicking up slang) so he can announce that he’s finally ready to sacrifice his comic’s integrity, and more importantly, quality (okay, stop laughing now), so he can fill it with characters some readers made. Sure, he’s limiting it, and sure his narcissistic readers probably pressured him into doing it, but that doesn’t make it any more bearable. Why do it? Characters should be created because they work well with the story or the jokes, not shoehorned in so some assholes can get free publicity aimed at their selves anyway. I mean, who else will be reading this? Me? Because all it will do is hate your Scrappy-ass character even more, unless Dregan is somehow capable of implementing them correctly. And judging by the fact that he can’t implement his own characters that well, that will be a fat fucking chance.

I just don’t understand why so many people enjoy this concept, other than that maybe it’s like when you send ideas to a TV show, like sending home movies to America’s Funniest Home Videos, and they use them, making you point at the screen in excitement “Yes! I did that!” Except AFHV paid its contributors (albeit less than I’m sure AFHV made off of them). In this case it’s just sad, especially when being featured in a sprite comic is about as prestigious as being mentioned in your own sprite comic you can also host on SmachJeeves and get five readers. I mean, it’s not like Bob and George pimped your comic (and Anez did admittedly waste time advertising other people’s comics, too.) Actually, now that I think about it, I bet that’s where this trend came from. Thanks a fucking lot.

Sorry for the long rant, by the way.

Okay, so he does provide additional information in the author comments that does not simply subsist of “like I said in the comic…” bullshit. Well, at least past paragraph one. Still, the fact that he’s letting these cretins (I’m still bitter about this whole situation, okay) choose the personality and abilities and shit is a little questionable. I’m sure it was enjoyable for Dregan when he received his influx of character’s named after their devilish inventor with abilities such as “uses a gunblade, which can blow up universes”, as well as having it’s personality section filled with descriptions such as “left eye is aqua blue, right eye fiery orange, with long, luscious purple and black hair…” and “Smart, bad-ass, perfect…”, and a background full of angst and child rape. At least Dregan anticipated the influx of Mary Sues by just disregarding any flaws section alongside the abilities section. I would get sick of reading “her flaw is that she’s too beautiful” after twenty e-mails, too.

How To: Apologize

I told you, Dregan, you can’t apologize for what you did; the damage is already done. By the time you typed this title up your inbox was already filled with anime-inspired names.

And for God’s sake, Sonic recolor, get that god damn banana rapped in a hair net out of your fucking hair.

Don’t bother trying to talk to him, Vas, he’s surrounded by a sound-proof wall of text that would put CTRL-ALT-DEL to shame. He couldn’t even split up the dialogue box into two boxes connected together so that it wouldn’t look, I don’t know, fucking tacky as hell.

“Did… did you just-?” Yes, Vas, Dregan’s dumb ass did forget a punchline again. I don’t care how much you smile at the camera, Panda, it still won’t hide the numbing depression that envelops the very foundation of this comic. I need a drink.

Let’s see what this cocksucker of an author says… “…thanks everyone who entered.” Yeah, thanks a fucking lot. Yeah, you two or three fuckheads, those questions are there for a reason—to soil the very art of sprite comics, and, hell, art in general.

Shard

Elo is now my favorite character in this comic so far. =D

I hope he gets grinded into a million bloody pieces. Just to show how excellent Dregan’s characterization is, I couldn’t even remember many of his characters’ names. That “Dauchsanmon” bit wasn’t a running gag; I literally couldn’t remember his fucking name. Shard, I wish I could have a drink of that Cintreuse right now. Whatever the hell that is. And stop making fucking penis pictures, you asshole.

Why is everyone laughing about Elo’s face in the last panel? It isn’t fucking funny. You could just stand in the mirror and make goofy faces at yourself and it would be the equivalent, if not for the depressing breakdown you would have quickly after when you realized how sad and lonely you are, standing in front of the mirror like a god damn sideshow clown. Shit, the other guy’s expression is even funnier, if only from the images in your mind caused by wondering how much booze his mom drank to have his face configured like that. No wonder he works at a fucking bar.

Now I know why Dregan screams before every author comment—it’s a cry for help. I mean, god damn, the navigation buttons didn’t even appear on this page, unless those question marks were meant to signify Firefox not understanding why I would want to continue reading this dreck.

Sibling SMASH!

Stop commissioning Commander Chaos to write your fucking comic titles. And get that creepy Family Guy rip-off out of my fucking face. Haven’t you’ve done enough damage, Dregan.

“[W]hat bought you round here anyway?” Did I miss the comic where Vas drunkenly agrees to be some guys sex slave? Maybe it was Violet Angel, Dregan’s first fan cameo who done it.

Yes, Shelia, “big brother”. Is she so confused by the idea of siblings, or is she afraid Big Brother is watching and will send her to the Ministry of Fuckwads for letting Vas mention his name. Maybe Vas just reminded her that she forgot to tape Big Brother, the reality TV show. Who gives a fuck; this comic is ass.

Dregan:

You know, this comic would’ve been so easy to make if I hadn’t had to scratch the majority of the sprites from panel 5…

Well maybe you should stop scratching them, you god damn pervert. Unless you’re using a Wacom tablet or a touch-screen I don’t see how doing so will affect your comic, so you might as well forget that important step.

And no, that isn’t really Vas’ brother. Shelia just has an active imagination.

Who isn’t Vas’ brother? The glowing orb of purple behind her in the third-to-last panel? An exact clone of Vas but without the tail? Dragan, are you talking about the same comic I’m reading here? Because it sure doesn’t fucking seem like it.

I love how godmoderncommander and his stupid lack of spaces or capitalization explains why Shelia is shocked about Vas having a brother (I would prefer “she’s a god damn loony”, but whatever) and then stops because he’s afraid of getting in trouble for guessing some plot point. Why? If the plot is so easy to guess, then it’s the author’s fault for being predictable. Besides, what’ll Dregan do, refuse to put your amazing character “Soul Wind” in the comic? God, fuck the whole fan cameo concept; I still fucking hate it.

I can run my bar with no handlebars

Yeah, and without proper capitalization, too, pal; but then I’m just saying the same thing over again.

Wait, she looks at that freaky mass of mutated Pokémon and Sonic sprites sewed together by Joseph Mengele himself and is surprised when she learns that it cannot read.

Dark the Ninja:

XD

A lot of people seem to like to talk about Pokémon XD for some reason.

Shard:

I’ll bet she was wondering that the whole time.

I love it when reader comments consist of pointing out what is already stated in the comic.

How did he find the place?

Yes, tell us the gripping story on how a rejected Pok&eacutemon; finds his way to a bar. Bars are admittedly hard to find.

Sevex:

XD
Wow XD

Really like talking about Pokémon XD.

DarkDreamer:

i like this comic. so fav’d!

As opposed to all of those people who “fav” comics they despise. I just wish she liked capitalization and proper punctuation. I’ve heard of neglecting to use a period, but not adding them in randomly. I feel sadness as I actually have to uncorrect the comments from MS Word’s autocorrect, as if I have to tell the poor little thing “no, we must let it be done” as the poor thing desperately tries to protect the English language’s sanctity. Then again, MS Word’s sometimes a dumb ass, too, so he’s being a little hypocritical. And melodramatic. Calm down, Word. Jesus.

How To: Have Nightmares

Not much to say about this comic, yup. I would, you know, just not say anything then, but I really need to fill some space, so I’ll just remind you of what I said earlier that there is not much to say in this comic. Yup.

We get it, Dregan, you’re not happy with any of your comics. Well, that makes the two of us.

Cat Top:

Well done dregan.

you made me piss myself laughing.

I don’t care if you’re on the internet; once someone talks to you about their bladder control problems, it’s a good sign that you should never talk to them again.

Shard:

-You spin me right round, baby right round, like a record baby right round round round-

Same goes for assholes who repeat lyrics from songs; this isn’t the YouTube comments pages.

G.I.U.L.I.O.

What the hell? Lol.

He didn’t understand it but he still laughed at it? What, is he just mentally conditioned to type “Lol” in every comment even if it makes no sense?

April Fools 2009

Oh my God, will this be a April Fools joke? How rich! I will be so tricked when I’m told right before even reading the comic that it will be facetious.

And just in case your brain is a fucking vegetable, he gives another hint in the final panel. Dregan is a master of subtlety.

I will say one thing, though. Most sprite comic artists seem to depict themselves as some bad-ass, or whatever mutated freak Psyguy depicted himself as in That’s My Sonic! Dregan’s sprite seems to depict him as I’m sure he probably truly appears, a sickly, long-haired nerd. So props to Dregan for at least being honest.

*Waits for yet another “hint” that this is a joke* Man, he’s really afraid of the dangerous negative (and likely misspelled) words people will type about him.

Spekkal_X2:

Epic win Dreggy. Epic win.

I’m only including this comment, despite the double dose of hackneyed video game lingo that stopped being funny… well, it was never funny, because of his unintentional pejorative nickname for Dregan (who’s name, incidentally, I keep forgetting how to spell), which I enjoy so much that I’ve decided to adopt it myself.

Somebody actually fucking fell for this extremely subtle joke that wasn’t hinted at at all. You know what, Dreggy, I take back what I said before; given the intelligence of your readers, you might want to hammer in the finer points.

Boot to the-! Wait…

Shelia, Vas isn’t in that room; he switched places with the guy from Golgo 13.

See, the joke is that Shelia kicks Vas in the ass and… the joke is that Shelia kicks Vas in the ass. That’s the whole joke. Really, Dreggy?

Yes, we get it, Dreggy, you have nothing to say. Except you do have a comic to advertise. So, it looks like you did have something to say, doesn’t it.

Shard:

…This brings up the question of how Vas goes to the bathroom.

He urinates himself and then tells all of the internet about it. I don’t see how this brings up any question, other than why Dreggy would make a comic’s joke “guy gets kicked in the ass”.

How To: Be Served

Oh great. We’re not getting into dance competition shit here are we?

This banner’s actually new: it stars a hyperactive Luigi-cosplayer diving at Foxy McFlatface.

“I needed my bouncer up and alert…” unlike you, with your eyes closed and kicking the air. Luckily, Sonic’s drunk, street brother comes along to show us how shitty his sprite looks close up. Seriously, is this meant to be shown from the perspective of one of their drunken tenants blurry eyes.

Drunken, street Sonic is a cameo, so I must adjust my hatred for him accordingly. I thought it was fishy when a random character entered this random scene for no random reason.

Also, Dreggy; here’s a tip: if you can’t make one sprite comic competently, don’t try to make two of them. That’s just asking for trouble.

If you can’t break the rules, obliterate them

Including the rules of grammar. Oh, come on; this title doesn’t even make sense: “Obliterate” and “break” are pretty much synonyms.

I’m quite happy that Dreggy made sure to include this sub-plot about Mickey’s retarded brother breaking in and stealing alcohol—it was a story that truly had to be told.

Why is the author’s birthplace important when it comes to the age of drinking issue? Is he afraid his own characters will try to use that as an excuse to violate foreign laws, or is he just afraid he’ll forget later on? And if that’s the case, why not just have everything take place in England—then it could be called “Pub’d” instead.

Easter 2009

Here’s a pro-tip for any of you prospective sprite comic creators out there: showing your author avatar in a skimpy suit is the absolute best way to turn away readers. Shit, now my browser refuses to even show itself, embarrassed by the whole situation. If Jesus had saw this when he supposedly re-rose, he would have said “fuck this” and went back into his grave.

How To: Play Baseball

I actually have to agree with Shela, or whatever her name is: that’s a legitimate question. More importantly, what relevance does it have to the story… oh wait, that’s right; there is no story.

You know, I love how they go through this whole inconvenience to take the booze away, and yet forget that it would be much easier if they just kicked that kid’s stoned ass outta there.

People Problems

Surprisingly, I actually find this comic name apt: I have a problem with these fucking reader insert characters. Characters who sing their own theme songs have got to be the most nugatory ever—especially when they do it without even opening their giant-ass maws. He does have some cool super powers, though. Not only can he move around using shitty Photoshop effects, he can also shift his head behind his neck, as seen in the second-to-last panel.

By the way, thanks goes to Dreggy and his author comment to remind me that his comic had a shitty punchline. The annoying character made me almost forget. Seriously, the equivalent of “wow, you’re weird” is not a tolerable punchline, even if the other character magically re-shapes their jaw in the interim.

His midi clorians are off scale too

Jesus, does e. e. cummings write these comic titles? Heard of a comma?

No, the better question is what happened to your face in panel one. Also, what kind of shitty name is “stew”? You mean “stu”? I guess I’ll just have to ask his brother, Gumbo.

By the way, I’m glad that Stew’s character name is both shitty and he’s depicted as a Mary Sue. I, of course, did not anticipate this in the slightest. No sire!

Dregan:

One of my favorite comics of the series thus far. I’m pretty certain Stew wins the award for most speech-bubbles in one page in this particular case.

I hate to break it to you, Dreggy, but quality is not based on word count. Especially when it has Stew’s vile participation in it.

How To: Analyze The Situation

What the hell? One minute he’ll never use capitalization, next he’ll use it too much. It’s as if Dreggy’s putting his heart and soul into failing as much as possible. Well, I say as if because if Dreggy actually had a soul he already sold it to his egotistical readers.

“Okay… let’s just think this one through…” is a philosophy Dreggy should consider following when writing his comics.

God damn, Vas, you suck ass. You’re this big beast and yet you let all of these motherfuckers just walk all over you. How have you not been fired yet?

Dreggy, maybe you should focus more of your brain power (stop laughing already!) on writing better jokes than calculating all of this scheduling business. I think it’s forgiveable if you’re late by, say, one fucking minute. Shit, at least you don’t still pretend that it’s November 2009 to make it look like you’re not behind schedule.

Like looking in a magic mirror

That’s some amazing mobility, Vas. It’s cool how you don’t need to, you know, move your legs in any way to move. You can just slide across the room.

I’m sorry, but I don’t care how “human” this guy is (and, honestly, how human can someone be who can magically morph their chin?): anyone who sings their own theme song while smiling like a child molester whilst walking into a bar is messed up in the head. Also, I can’t believe they haven’t gotten the shit beat out of them.

Dregan:

The main probably I keep encountering with this set of jokes is trying to say ‘Stew isn’t weird’ when his first 2 comics completely deny this fact…

Don’t fret it, Dreggy; I encounter probablies all the time.

Not included: The meaning of life

Also not included: proper capitalization. God damn it.

“…and so, humans aren’t horrific mutations, but in fact, a working part of society…” I don’t think Shelia’s met the average human.

Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast, emo fox. I’m sorry, but when the characters dress worse than my little sister I have to draw the line. Now go back outside, take off those fruity red pants and dress like a decent anthropomorphic animal. This is a bar, not a fucking rave.

I really feel for Dreggy and his constant stress over his schedule. It’s too bad there aren’t any buffers you can make, in case you miss your update by, say, ten seconds.

How To: Make A Less Epic Montage Than {Mute} #100

I wouldn’t feel comfortable serving something that looks like it raided Aerosmith’s clothes hamper, either. Um, what’s the worst you’ve done, yet unnamed character? Assault the very existence of good taste.

Jesus, this comic is so boring that even Vas is falling asleep.

The Demon Of Drink

I don’t know if the rejected Square Enix character there is admiring her bottle of generic booze or her magically massive hand.

One of the many responsibilities of being the “Demon Of Drink” is having shitty Photoshop filters applied to you, with a badly cut-out stock fire photo put behind you. I wonder how much time Dreggy spent during this lovely panel and why he didn’t spend it “accidentally” deleting all of his reader submissions.

Dregan:

In hindsight, it’s probably rather stupid of me to advertise for the person who declared me their ‘rival’, and already has over 3 times as many fans as me, but still, take a look, it’s a good series.

Yeah, you wouldn’t want to help the competition, or they’ll take all of your customers and completely monopolize the sprite comic industry.

Edit:

Looking back at panel 5, I now have ‘One Winged Angel’ stuck in my head…

Really. For me, it’s “Ugly” by The Exies and Weird Al’s “Dare To Be Stupid”.

Linguistic Tendencies

Oh no! It’s amputated legs come to life!

Oh wait, it’s just some emo douche. Honestly. I kind of expected these reader-submitted characters to look dumb, but not this stereotypically ridiculous. For God’s sakes, he looks as if he’s crying blood. That’s the kind of image teenagers all over masturbate to. And just to show you how ignorant I am on said subject, I actually misspelled “masturbate” wrong.

I have to say that I love this punchline, though. Not because it’s well written or anything—on the contrary: it is because it is so badly written, which in conjunction with Vas’ deadpan stare and ‘tudalicious arm cross makes me expect some silly clown music to come afterwards. Sadly, comics cannot project sound—unless they’re one of those annoying “reinventive” comics that seem to just hate good web design—and Vas looks too much like a mutant freak to look badass.

Now Cool Spot—he’s badass.

How To: Name Your Child

Answer: don’t listen to any reader submissions.

Damn, Shelia just looks so excited about receiving a job application. “I can’t believe Dregan figured out how to draw a piece of paper!”

I’m sure “Black” (I fucking told you there would be a character named after a color, god damn it!) would make an excellent bouncer. All he would need to do is sing some ditty written from his journal and anyone causing shit will run for the hills in seconds. Maybe something like this yak.

Also, just like the last character we will hopefully forget about, this character is “just that awesome”, too. Jesus Christ.

And, Vas, you might want to work on your punchlines a little; I could actually hear the wah-wah music after that one. He’s almost like Goofy here, totally confused by this “angsty” crap. You’re not the only one.

Wait, wait, wait… Is Black dancing in that bottom-left panel? What the fuck is that all about?

And to summarize Dreggy’s author comment, apparently even he hates the name. Doesn’t stop him from still using it, though.

Butterflies and Hurricanes, Bunny Rabbits and Drama

Let’s just pretend this comic never happened. Granted, that might just be because I’m not going to read what tedious shit is in that second-to-last panel. Also, when you get right down to it, putting characters in silly costumes isn’t funny. It’s like a depressing black hole of humor, sucking out all entertainment within its infinite mass of crap. Really crappy crap, really.

Dregan:

This is the main thing I’ve been planning since introducing Black…

Well, maybe you should change that plan so that involves Black being thrown in a blender… made out of sharks and battery acid. Just an idea.

And Today’s Contestants Are;

These characters are so forgettable that Dreggy feels the need to remind the readers who they are.

Let me remind you, by the way, that no actual story has yet to transpire.

Punchline = Fail.

Mainly just a recap comic really, although with a couple of things setting up for some of the pages to come.

If it sucks then just don’t post it. It’s like he’s a dog shitting under the bed and then looking guilty afterwards. Bad Dreggy!

How To: Advertise

And the Fetish of a Million Nerds finally appears. And she’s starting some poisoned kool-aid cult or something. Either that or she has the stupidest pick-up lines ever. I just hope to the god I don’t worship that this comic devolves into a convoluted romantic tumor between Link cosplayer and… whatever the fuck Vas is supposed to be. Not because it would be interesting; simply that it would be more interesting than the non-plot we’ve been savoring so long.

Quite frankly, I’m more interested in what injury has been inflicted on Shelia’s now massive hand in the background of the final panel than these two douche bags.

The Relevance Of This Title Is Enormous

Here’s a fun challenge to play with this comic—which is substantially more enjoyable than the actual “jokes” thrown at you like an abused baby: try to decide which character you would most like to be thrown into an active volcano. For me it’s a tie between Black and that douche who sang his own theme song. Then again, the drunk bitch is pretty annoying… and Link cosplayer’s cutesy act is getting on my nerves… and I’m really sick of Vas’ thick-brained punchlines… damn, this is harder than I thought.

The Leafy Bar; Scaring 1 In Every 5 Customers – For Life!

Just like this comic!

Black? Could you please figure out how to hold a bottle that’s not similar to a mongoloid? Have you, by chance, used a bottle before?

“’Samuel’ was never quite the same…” He was never introduced either, so I don’t care.

That cintreuse must be really strong if it can make you legally change your name. Sheesh.

I guess transexuality is a disturbing theme now? Granted, Dreggy truly did show the heart-rending drama of this important issue; like how funny it is for men to cross-dress, or how easy it is for transsexuals to convert their names to the other gender’s dialect.

How To: Declare War

Just call it an “insurrection” to bypass that pesky need for congressional approval.

Go get e’m, stretchy-jawed human! Use your crotch thrust attack! And everyone gets pissed at Sonic’s crack-head brother. Actually, it seems as if his very existence is despised by all around him. I mean, he’s never even been included in any of the Sonic games.

Staying At A Dangerous Distance

I always thought to myself “gee, I sure would like to see a comic showing nothing but some cat-lady with hair describing what’s going on off screen” and here my wishes were granted. Thanks, Dreggy!

Woo, as you read this, I’m probably dying in a Mosh Pit at Download Festival!

Something tells me that “Download Festival” is just some party he has alone at his house while downloading mp3s off of the internet.

BreakerLOLZ:

Does Download Festival have any music, ’cause all I’ve seen from that post is a lot of bullshit. *zing*

<<USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST>>

How dare you give your musical opinions on this forum—BANNED!

Actually, I fucking hate music critics—throw his ass out. It’s actually funny, I was expecting there to be some arguing over digital piracy or some shit because of the mention of “Download Festival” or some shit, and completely forgot that mentioning any band (especially Dragonforce, Marilyn Manson, or Slipknot—why not just add in Limp Bizkit while you’re at it?) will lead some vehement musical activist to let them know that their musical tastes do not match some random readers’.

And in defense of another would-be music critic, Badx, “Whoa, those are some shitty bands…” is a pretty strong argument. From now on I’m just going to say “this comic sucks” under every comic.

My Quiet Place

this comic sucks

Well, this goes down as possibly my favourite comic in the entire series so far. There’s something about chaos and disorder which just brings out the best in me.

If you consider RANDOM SHOUTING AS DIALOGUE your best, I guess.

I stated before that with this update I’d also give my comments on Download, so here we go, band by band with who I went to see.

Just to show you how uninterested I am in his comic, I’m going to focus on his clumsy attempt to review a concert.

Started off proceedings with Hollywood Undead. Whilst they weren’t bad, and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say they were good, they weren’t really very memorable.

I believe this comment was designed to spark as little controversy as possible. Seriously, this isn’t even an argument. “Well, I recognized that they were and band, and that stuff they made was music; and it’s entirely feasible that some of it was enjoyable.” Besides, it says something about the music industry when a band whose members paint their faces in strange ways isn’t memorable. Then again, they are next to Marilyn Manson and Slipknot.

Next band we saw was Staind. They started off like Hollywood Undead as ‘okay’, but towards the midway point started to become really quite good and memorable, primarily just for that song I can’t remember then name of even though I sung along to the chorus.

“This song was so memorable I couldn’t even remember its name!”

How could you ever compare Staind to Hollywood Undead? Hollywood Undead raps about how they like partying and then sings in an R&Bish style; Staind sings about how everyone has cancer like he’d just got back from having to have his dog put down.

Billy Talent was next, and they came as a big surprise. I went in with doubts about them, expecting the to be a crappy punk-pop band. Turns out I was wrong and they were one of the best live performances there.

Any band with a name called “Billy Talent” that does well (well, by Dreggy’s standards, which judging by his comic are admittedly low) would be a surprise.

Following this was Killswitch Engage. Some people seemed to be a bit disappointed, and I could sort of understand why in the sense he screamed more than sung (I know they’re a screamo band, but they DO sing particular parts), but, watching the band live was just an experience for the pute hilarity of the band members.

According to MS Word, which admittedly lies a lot, “pute” isn’t a word. I’m not sure if this is some hip slang Dreggy’s attempting to fit in with the others in the mosh pit or whatever or not.

Limp Bizkit were a huge disappointment. I like Limp Bizkit, they have some really good songs. If you actually expecting them to play the good songs however, you found yourself disappointed. I left after a few songs due to the pain…

Apparently I was correct in the last commentary.

Which led me to Lacuna Coil on the second stage… who were just like Hollywood Undead. Okay, but nothing memorable.

“Lacuna Coil was a progressive rock band—just like Hollywood Undead.” (Note: I know they aren’t; don’t e-mail me about it).

Moved back to the main stage to see Korn. Now, I knew most of the songs they played, but I didn’t actually know they were by them. It was during this performance that I realised ‘Wow, this is actually the band which got me into rock in the first place…’ To say I enjoyed them would be an understatement.

“I loved their songs so much that I didn’t even know who performed them!” Dreggy’s lack of knowledge is disconcerning. I don’t know, if there were songs that were so good that they made me like an entire genre of music, I think I would look them up.

We then moved on to see Motley Crue. Now, I’d like it known, I’d not listened to them before, but was convinced by my friends that they were good… even so, after the fourth song with upside-down flying crosses, I started feeling rather awkward watching them… add that to the fact they were kind of crap, and that lead me to the Main Stage again.

How dare you forget to type the fancy dots over the “o” and “u”, you heretic!

Faith No More were making their comeback to the main stage, and wow, I have not a clue what happened there. I don’t know if I liked them, if they were good, if they were bad, or what. It was one of the most abstract ‘rock’ experiences I’ve ever seen, their songs seeming to hold the consistency of tye-dye. I went home that night wondering whether the finale was a masterpiece or a sham. I’m still trying to work it out.

“I’m going to be honest, I never went to any concert. I just needed an excuse for missing my own draconian deadlines or I’ll have to stab myself again. I just looked up some random band names and said they were ‘okay’”.

Next day, we started on the second stage with The Crave. Hardly anyone went to see them surprisingly, and we ended up managing to set ourselves up right at the front. They turned out to be brilliant, and I really enjoyed listening to them. I also thing I displaced a few organs in front of the amps.

Keep your sexual acts with music equipment to yourself, you pervert.

Went to see Five Finger Death Punch next. Whilst I enjoyed listening to them, and they were good, I honestly didn’t feel they were AS GOOD as I was hoping for them to be. Even so, you can’t exactly expect studio-quality on the big stage now can you?

For more than four times the price, you could.

Hardcore Superstar was next on the list. They were average. I just sort of sunbathed through them.

…?

Just as I did for In Case Of Fire.

Nobody wants to hear about you bathing with obscure bands, God damn it.

Exactly the same as Fightstar.

Great. Now it’s officially become an orgy.

And then Static-X came on! I got to see Static-X’s hair, live! They were a good band, different to your average generic metal/rock bands. Also there was a wasp infestation! Wasp infestation and Static-X and Static-X’s hair all in one go! Yeeeeaaaah!

“I don’t know about their music, but I just love staring at their hair!” Why does every comment from you have to involve some sexual overtones.

We then went to see Dragonforce. Hell yeah, Dragonforce. All the comments that they ‘speed up their songs’ can be safely be ignored in this instance because it was live, and they couldn’t speed up the songs, and they STILL played Through The Fire And Flames. Dear god did I love Dragonforce.

For some reason “Hell yeah” was the exact comment I would expect from a Dragonforce fan. Without any exclamation marks, either—we don’t want to get too excited.

We watched You Me At Six next. They were good, but not really my style. I enjoyed listening to them, but I still don’t think they’ll ever be a band I’d go out and buy the album for.

We get it: all of the bands you don’t care for are “okay”. It’s like he’s the Websnark of music.

After taking a pizza break, we came back and watch Prodigy for a while. I really don’t know why. I still think they’re crap.

Thank you.

Slipknot made the finale of that day, and dear god did they make the day complete?… [too long, nothing noteworthy].

I don’t know; you were the one at the concert. If it weren’t for the mountain of praise after this sentence I would expect it to be another “I can’t remember if I liked this or not” comment.

Tesla was next, on the main stage. They were okay, yet, nothing memorable. Laguna Coil, Hollywood Undead level of music really.

This motherfucker would compare Disney musicals to Hollywood Undead.

Sunbathed through Skin. I remember nothing of them.

Gah! And I just got that picture out of my head!

Black Stone Cherry I vaguely remember having an interest in one song, but still just layed back and burnt my chest some more…

He’s not talking about sunbathing this time; he missed another update by ten seconds and had to put the iron over his chest for fifty minutes. Hey, sprite comic creation is a dirty job, and somebody’s gotta do it. It just shouldn’t be Dreggy.

Journey was next, and if you know Journey, you should know they were awesome. I was on my feet by the first song, and didn’t move to sit down from then on. Love ’em.

Holy shit, is that band still around? Like, are the members still alive? I would expect the guitarist to break a hip while playing.

Went back to fourth stage to see Logan. Awesome band, did not deserve to be shoved all the way down onto fourth stage. I stood near the front, rocked out a bit, and really enjoyed it. Will probably get their album soon.

How the hell does a listener “rock out”… actually, don’t answer that, please.

Spent about an hour aimlessly wandering between bands before going to see ZZTop. I’d watched them on Youtube, and was hoping for good things… walked away after 4 songs. Yeah, weren’t quite up to expectations…

Wow, if they failed Dreggy’s expectations, they must suck.

After a break, returned back and went to see Papa Roach. By far one of the best performances we saw, loved ’em. And apparently, I’m an ‘old school’ Papa Roach fan by their reckoning.

Well, that’s because their first album is a completely different genre than anything they made afterwards.

Hey, who the fuck’s “we”? You getting schizophrenic all of a sudden?

Lastly went to see Def Leppard. They played some music. I didn’t really pay much attention… I count Papa Roach as the finale for me because I listened to them.
So yeah, overall, a good weekend.

“I say when the concert ends and when it doesn’t!” It’s as if Def Leppard (okay, now how did they not break some hips?) came up and he covered his ears, yelling “you’re not here! You’re not here!”

I guess I should finally go back to commenting on the actual comic, huh?

Now I feel really bad. Apparently most of his readers didn’t even read his long boring review. That means that Bar’d readers might technically have higher standards than I do—that’s frightening.

How To: Think Of A Title

Okay, I’ll admit this title is kind of clever. The “of” and “a” probably shouldn’t be capitalized, but oh well.

“Hey, could you do me a really big favour? Get me out of this comic!

“I’m just here to spout pop culture references. What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

God, look at what a fucking wuss Vas is. You’re a giant mutant, twice her size; she’s an emo douche. Kick her ass. Actually, now that I’ve noticed, she’s beating up that freaky fucker with the weird jaw. Cheer her on, Vas!

“If you don’t put me down I’m going to write an acerbic poem about you in my journal!”

A day late, I know… that is, assuming anyone actually notices the vague schematic I call ‘a schedule’.

“I will now proceed to smash my fingers with a hammer as proper retribution. He seems so depressed about it. Maybe it’s because I the only one willing to read his boring review. “I put my heart and soul into those undetermined ratings!”

Don’t Drink The Red Water

What is this, a fucking Wile E. Coyote cartoon? ZONK!

And clinically depressed Sonic recolor (and if I were a Sonic recolor I probably would be depressed, too), when that free Pepsi is in a bottle with a skull and crossbones (I assume that’s what that mess of pixels is supposed to be) I wouldn’t have trusted it for a second. In fact, I think he hoped it was poisoned so that he could finally be rid of this cruel, dark world. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got the first Bar’d fanfic to write.

It has been bought to my attention that I have hit 100 SJ fans.

Wow, that’s all 100 SmackJeeves users!

[…] I hate to disappoint those who’ve been saying to do a ‘100 fans comic’, but I’ll not be doing one.

I have never seen a mercy that is so great.

The reason for this is, there’s already going to be an OOC strip on Friday, and I’d rather not have one today and have two consecutive OOC strips. Even so, it’ll probably recieve at least a brief mention in the Friday strip, seens the way it’s planned out leaves me a few free panels. […]

Son of a bitch. That’s like promising not to punch you in the face, and then kicking you in the balls instead.

G.B.A.

Personally I prefer Coke Cola.

The last thing I care about is some video game system’s cola preferences—especially if it is some shallow knock-off of Coca Cola. That’s why I made sure to include this comment on this page.

1 year on, and I’ll actually be allowed to drink at my own bar

“As opposed to the mushrooms I eat before writing each comic.”

Thanks for this masturbatory raping of good tastes. Also, for God’s sakes, 100 fans isn’t a lot.

To make the cheer go ‘rounder, Dreggy’s provided a list of the characters he plans on dumping into this comic. (Spoilers: apparently every single character in this comic, including Vas and Shelia, are somebody else’s. This is so dishonorable there isn’t even a name for it yet.)

Oh no, sit the fuck back down—there’s even more disappointment to be had. To add to this assault on artistic integrity he also fills the rest of his commentary with advertisements, to sprite comics that probably won’t give him squat for doing so. I never thought I’d see a sprite comic sell-out in such a pathetic way.

How To: Fail At Making A Smash Effect

I’ll admit that I don’t understand this comic whatsoever, but if I were to guess, Sonic’s tweaker brother gets knocked on the ground, stares at skunk-man’s ballsack, and then decides to pick him up—presumable for hot Sonic fanfic love.

Let’s see if Dreggy can clear this up for us…

[…] Also, expect new poll soon; Do you, or do you not support Van x Random Gender-Changed Background Character? I know I do. I’ll alert you as to when it’s updated.

Holy mother of fuck, I was right. I guess I should have expected this kind of content from a comic based on a bar—especially ones filled with Sonic recolors.

By The Power Of Greyskull

God, even when he’s beating someone up he looks like a wuss. Look at him in that bottom-left panel: “doo-doo-doo! Beatin’ up some bar bums!” I half expect him to give a Popeye laugh after this is all done.

Also, in the spirit of Anonymous: walls of text of some angsty bullshit = crap.

I can’t quite tell myself if this page is funny…

God damn, he even judges his own comic the way he judges music.

Dear Lord, The SPEECHBUBBLES!

Even this comic’s title knows this comic blows.

I think Black is trying to internalize those heartbreaking quotes of disappointment for later, when he can write them in his newest poem “I Didn’t Get To Be A Bouncer And God Hates Me”

The good news is that Black’s annoying ass is gone forever, according to Dreggy. Now if he could only get rid of stretchy jaw, drunk gothic bitch, Shelia, Vas; in fact, just everything in this comic. Just have the background, with nothing over it.

How To: Be Completely Oblivious

Apparently Vas is completely oblivious to political correctness. “Man, this fucking towelhead kept mumbling about this Pepsi shit…”

Pandanese translation: “This is the punchline you’re going with? Really?” It’s a very complex language.

<a href="http://barred.smackjeeves.com/comics/652646/passion-of-tears-individual-open-wound-nullifier/&quot; rel="Passion Of Tears’ Individual Open-wound Nullifier

I told myself that I would make it to fifty… I told myself I would make it to fifty…

Vas, I think you’d make just as good a librarian as you would a bouncer, since you suck at the latter. Hell, I beat even Black could beat someone up better than you if he wouldn’t die of blood loss from crying all of it first.

Although not one of my best issues, there’s a hidden joke or two in there to satisfy me correctly. One of which I’ll be very surprised if Celestial Wolf doesn’t pick up on… […]

In-jokes—the gold standard of comedy.

Rabbits With Hand Grenades

Get it? Because it’s so random!… No? Well, I don’t, either.

Man, no wonder they get the lowest low lifes in this joint—they treat it like a fucking dump.

How To: Recycle (the possibilities are endless)

“After a long panel of Comic Sans MS test and shitty shadow effects…”

Ho ho, get it? He gets kicked in the ass again. Apparently Bar’d goes on reruns during the holidays.

I know someone’s gonna call me out on ‘reusing old jokes’.

“I knew it sucked, but I still wrote it anyway.”

It’s a shame that sometimes we have to make sacrifices for things to come in the future. You all know you’ll love me for it in the end~ Or… hate me more… I dunno. […]

Yes, I’m sure this ass-kicking is the set-up to what will be known as Dregan’s magnificent magnum opus.

Protocol

I’m glad Dreggy felt the need to further this exciting adventure of some person trying to escape from a bar by waking the bouncer and asking him to let her out. That’s as bad as writing about someone’s music commentary as opposed to their actual comics.

Now with 2x glowvision

Now with 2x boredom Zzzzzzz…

How To: Impress The Ladies

Don’t show them Bar’d. Or don’t dress up like a beatnik who, also, bleeds from his eyes. In fact, I think that might be Black in disguise again. God damn it, Black, go away. Nobody likes you.

Also, Vas, I’m not sure how strangling your boss would help you get a raise.

Not much to say on this issue, so I’ll just move onto the matter at hand.

Got that right.

<a href="http://barred.smackjeeves.com/comics/671255/calendar-dating/&quot; Calendar Dating

Oh no. He missed a day of school. Now he’ll never get that perfect attendance award, and he’ll subsequently never have the honor of leaving it lying around his closet for decades collecting cobwebs.

Shejanjilia

You know, I just noticed: this bar is populated by a bunch of emo beatniks. A bar. Where’s the bikers and lumberjacks? And pirates. What kind of fucking bar doesn’t have pirates? Instead we have this college douche bag hitting on a Sonic recolor. I’d rather fuck Porky from Earthbound than go with a Sonic recolor.

How To: Celebrate Your 50th

By not making a self-gratifying, pointless comic talking about it and not making any progress in the comic, I hope.

Also, and I skimmed this comic so I probably missed some stupidity, but defining a character’s entire personality as “wanting to drink Pepsi” grows thin after awhile.

One last thing:

[…] Second of all, Spekkal. She was making something for the 50th too till her mum deleted it, though, […]

Most parents are so blind towards their children’s flaws that they think everything they make is fucking gold. For instance, my mother actually keeps napkins I’ve doodled on. However, even this very unfortunate lass’ mother couldn’t be blinded by the enormity was created towards Bar’d. It might have been rude, but she knew she had a duty to the world, and we can’t fault her for that. Any parent in that position would do the same.

And I’m going to celebrate Bar’d’s retroactive 50th by not reading anymore Bar’d. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a fucking drink.

-JJW Mezun (January 14, 2011)

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