Good ‘ol Neglected Characters Comix: the first sprite comics ever. So early that Jay Resop apparently couldn’t even figure out how to spell the word correctly.
Despite NC being the first sprite comic (or at least the first known sprite comic), it is not well liked by some sprite comic fans. In fairness, this might be because one’s natural reaction upon seeing an NC comic for the first time is, “What the fuck is this ugly shit?” NC comics have not aged well; not even the fairly recent ones. Then again, I don’t think Jay’s updated since the early 2000’s, so I couldn’t be sure.
So in celebration of… no particular date of importance, I’ve decided to take a look at the first ever NC comic (and thus the first ever sprite comic, as far as anyone knows), “The EVIL-Luigi Story”.
Mario certainly should celebrate that amazing victory: he went from close to being hit by a fireball to somehow already having Bowser defeated. The only idea I have for how that happened was that Mario apparently squished Bowser under those hefty red X’s.
You know, I just noticed that Bowser somehow broke all of the bricks in that row on the left, and yet is still up there somehow. A plothole? In this detailed piece? Who’d have thought?
…After permanently petrifying you, of course.
Not only did Bowser deviously stick hidden TV chips into her head; he also made her watch the cheap knock-off of Hogan’s Heroes, “Hogan’s Heros”.
Hey, I just noticed that, instead of talking, everyone’s communicating through telepathy. That explains why Mario rarely ever talks: who needs pussy talking when you can talk you’re your thoughts, bitch.
“Luigi, how did you get inside of the walls? What are you, a rat?”
Was Jay really so incompetent with MS Paint that he couldn’t even figure out how to paste those enemies into the panel without those tacky blue squares behind them? (The tacky blue sprays are on purpose, of course.) And yet he was able to get Mario and Peach in there just fine.
“I’d better stumble out of her, drunkly” Mario there are times to do “The Mario”; but this was not one of them.
What, is the narrator having orgasms as he’s saying this?
What the heck are those extra two question marks doing there???
Yeah, why are you there, Link; and why are you covering up the “Please choose a player” sign with your pretentious philosophical musings?
I’m paying less attention to the forced joke Mario’s telling and instead focusing on those strange arrow hats those Shy Guys are wearing. What is that supposed to be parodying? Did Jay just think it would be funny if he put some random arrows on some Shy Guys’ heads?
Thank you for those incomprehensible references, Wart. “I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that poodle! I guess that’s what happens when you drive backwards on Wednesdays!”
That makes two characters who have self-esteem issues. Somehow Bill’s crippling sense of inadequacy is much more interesting than Mario stupid spat with Butch of the Koopa Klan, or whatever.
For instance, gambling leads to pointless P.S.A.’s like this one.
I don’t have the heart to tell Mario that he totally fucked up that spin, and won nothing at all.
“Luigi, don’t! Or else I’ll make not one, but two cliché references to Star Wars!”
“Oh yeah? Well I’ll just make this reference that will become dated years later!”
Don’t worry, Mario: apparently Fred the Spanyard’s just a bunch of shitty MS Paint sprays.
“Yes, calling for your mother is an excellent form of preparation.”
Or is Mario talking about Fred? Because I’m not comfortable with another contrived fanfic about Mario’s past, thank you.
Oh, come on, Jay: we can clearly see that there isn’t any violence going on back there. You’re just hiding some sloppy surrealist painting.
I think this is the first time someone’s ever called a wall of text a special effect.
“Pup-Con”? Ho, ho, ho! What brilliant satire! Next we’ll see that Toad’s name is really… Joad! Get it? Because I changed the first letter of his name!
When I first read this as a little kid (god, this comic is old) I thought Mario was hitting some egg glued to his face with a tiny hammer. It wasn’t until now that I’ve noticed that that is supposed to be an enlarged eyeball.
“I quit! That’s why I’m coming inside through the exit!”
In defense of Mario’s harsh derision, he kind of has a point: that map is evidently bad a counting, since it seems to think that eight comes after eight.
Don’t trust that magically floating arrow and text, Mario: it’s a trap! Then again, if he sticks around here too long he’ll be crushed by the immense weight of the text wall floating above him.
Apparently that trap is Moonside Mushroom Kingdom.
Meanwhile, Luigi becomes a bad Saturday-morning cartoon villain.
Can we just get to the part where Dick Dastardly Luigi ties Peach to some train tracks and Mario trips on a banana peel trying to save her already? I know we’re already headed there.
“Luigi! You’ve become a trite Star Wars parody! How could you go so low?”
“And take that stupid trash bag off of your head. For god’s sake, do you have no dignity?”
You can just skip these panels. We’ve all seen this same parody a million times before.
Don’t worry, Mario! Deus ex machina will save you!
That’s the cleanest smash ever; especially considering Luigi apparently got impaled by that Goomba’s flat back.
So this is like in “Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom”, where we find out that Luigi was just a decoy and Kirby is the real villain behind all of this, right?
Please reflect on how forgettable they all were. Except Bill, of course: I hope you’ll be able to find a good psychiatrist to help you work on your raging self-hatred; before you fall to the darkness of drug use and suicide.
“Please marvel at my lovely rainbow sprays! I took five whole seconds making them!”
So what did we all learn from this little blast from the past? I don’t know: figure it out yourself, you lazy slob.
(Published: September 9, 2011)