I Still Suck (Archive)

On our previous peruse of my sprite comics, we saw the art molester that I am. One may be mistaken to believe that that all changed; that I am now an expert, with years of study and experience under my belt. This should squash all of those theories right now.

Technically, this is not my contemporary work. However, it was the last comic I have created and should give a good reason why I have yet to concoct another one.

This is in the middle of the story—which thankfully never saw completion—but I will not give any background story. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything.

It is likely very obvious that none of this was in any way ripped-off from NC Comix. And to think, all I had to do was take a screen shot of some random scene from a video game and comic genius would just blossom from it. Not to mention self-insert as a Squirtle… Actually, that’s a little too original for a sprite comic; why isn’t he just a recolor of Mega Man, like the millions of Bob and George rip-offs?

You can tell by the recap that a lot of hilarious hijinks ensued in the previous comic. Special note to something from the earlier comic that I definitely must comment on is the lackluster attempt at drama, not necessarily because it was bad (it was bad) but because my former self for some reason decided it would be a good idea to add in jokes about how annoying it was, as if my subconscious was telling me “stop this bullshit, now!”

Randomness is the kind of “humor” that one does when they cannot concoct any creative, original idea, so they just vomit out whatever bullshit they came up with and call it a day—a shitty day for whoever is unfortunate enough to get stuck reading this trash. What does a bird convention or Superman have to do with this comic’s plot? Who gives a fuck, since nobody would ever give two shits about the plot in the first place. Considering that the characterization of, uh… John—see, I can hardly even remember his unimaginative name—can be summed up as “the smart leader”, which is a shitty way to develop characters, I doubt anyone will ever care what happens to him. If he has the personality of cardboard, the reader won’t care if he’s ripped apart like cardboard.

The giant white fish, a running joke I continued for some reason, is a kind of joke that doesn’t piss you off, except for the annoyance you have when it’s not bad enough to make fun of, but not good enough to actually qualify as entertainment. If I wanted to go the shit route, I could have at least gone full fermentation here.

Lampshading can be humorous sometimes, but when it leads to just apologizing for sucking ass, one gets a sense of a more devious intent, as if one could say “no, no, no; it’s supposed to suck ass, get it?”, except without any satirical element at all. I guess I thought that satire worked in which you just copy what you see is stupid and it’s the same. I was a dumb ass.

I’m going to feel awkward about commenting on Luigi handling the situation here, because I actually still kind of like it, and I feel odd actually praising myself. I don’t want to get all Commander Chaos here, or anything. Besides, I’ve praised that motherfucker Recon a few times, too, as well as some of the dipshits at the NC Fan Comix Forum. And, anyway, it doesn’t matter because Bob’s fucking shitty humor just totally ruins it, like urinating all over a chocolate pie. That may sound disgusting; but, God damn it, that’s how I feel about the situation.

Bob is a repulsive character, and if you take anything from this worthless article—and, trust me, it’s not nearly as worthless as this comic—then you’ll learn to never develop a character anywhere near what Bob is. He’s nothing; simply the “dumb” character, a character that ironically enough only a dumb person would concoct. He has no feelings, and worst of all, creates no humor. Spewing random shit all over the comic and saying “My name is Bob”—which is a real knee-slapper, right?—doesn’t add to humor. It adds to the reader becoming pissed off.

Pointless video game reference—once again, with no satire to actually make it reasonable; some irrelevant bull shit that is not funny, because it is too random to make sense, and too mundane—and ironically cliché—to be interesting. Stealing lunch money is right up there with being picked last for dodge ball on the list of cliché that are so melted into all of our minds that they are likely completely ignored. It is akin to the memorizing something; it becomes second nature and you never think about it. Thus, it isn’t even random; it’s just… stupid.

The last four panels are… ugh. Thanks to Kameoko for reminding us that Joe is being racist here. I guess I was trying to play the “racists are stupid” humor card, but since it has no relevance to the story now or later, and really just amounts to having him say something racist and assuming that readers will find it funny, it fails at any entertainment value. This joke is as funny, really, as just watching someone literally go on a racist tirade, really. Panel four is tolerable… oh wait, did Kameoko just sigh? Bad, Mezun! Why not add a laugh track here and have a clown burst in, shouting “Boy, ain’t that hilarious?”, because I’m pretty certain the reader cannot figure that out themselves. Well, they can’t because it isn’t; but having someone indicate that it is won’t make it funny—just annoying.

I love how Luigi says “that will be the only useful line I’ll have in this comic,” and then continues to talk. It’s as if I knew this whole plot was nothing. And you know what’s ironic? That line wasn’t even important at all. All he said was “we’re here”. Well, yes, Luigi; you’re always “here”, since “here” is always the place in which the person talking is. He might as well say “well, I exist”. Dumb shit.

As for the rest of the comic, it’s just a “more jokes from past characters”, as Nintendude said (yes, I realize the irony here), and an allusion to NC Comix’s Citrus Man. No need to bother finding actual jokes here—they’re not.

Hope you have that barf bag—’cause we’re headed for the Tunnel ‘O Shitty Characterization! Main attractions are over-exaggerative past trauma that is both mundane and embarrassingly ridiculous. See, Joe is a troubled person; and by troubled, I mean a heartless sociopath. This was meant as dark comedy—the kind an inept person would do. Since none of this is funny or moving, it fails at any type of entertainment. What was meant as tragic for someone to be so psychologically damaged enough to kill someone over taking a fucking toy turns out to be tragic for someone to be psychologically damaged enough to write this garbage.

But don’t worry! We have random gags that are called that for a reason—because they make me gag. But gotta love that alcohol-makes-you-want-sex-from-men joke. That’s about the same level as Recon’s jokes about Machoke masturbation and May’s breasts… well, maybe not as fucked up as those jokes—just as mindlessly unfunny, though.

Oh, hey, another random reference to a video game—a rom hack this time—well, that’s just… wait, where the fuck did that Captain Crunch bull shit come from? Did I run out of ideas and just say “Fuck it: clichéitize me, captain!”? Because we all know how original a “Captain Crunch is a pedophile” joke is, right?

Do I even need to explain why this is an abomination against life itself? Fuck you; figure it out yourself.

This is the perfect example of how not to write a suspense story. Uh oh, the protagonists are in troubl… oh, don’t worry; one of the characters can just shoot a blue laser at him and kill him instantly. Phew, the reader almost felt suspense, and was almost interested in the story. Glad we avoided that.

Oh, thank God we can return to the very important subplot of “drunken asshole makes a dipshit of himself—he’s drunk ROFL!”

Everything about this comic is no uncreative that I must have spent a whole five seconds writing it. I bet you could predict all of this would happen, didn’t you? Kameoko’s obvious reply to Joe, which anyone could have guessed without Kameoko reminding them; “Larry, I love you”, which makes no sense why he would call him Larry, and is just trite as all hell; and then the “cops release people if they give them pot because they’re corrupt” joke.

But I dig to the lowest depths with that family background bull shit. Wait, Joe’s father was abusive to him and his mother? Why, I only heard that in the millions of badly written Fan Fictions out there on the internet. Besides that, it’s so shallowly written that it’s insulting. I can’t even remember if I wanted the reader to sympathize with him or laugh, but the former is impossible considering how matter-of-fact he mentions it, and the latter is impossible because only a sociopathic asshole would laugh at something like that. Besides, who would just randomly mention something like that? It literally came out of nowhere. Care to tell some random stranger about your grandmother dying of cancer, too, Joe?

Wait, did I actually do a Mr. T joke—and think it was funny? How lazy could I be? It’s like I was just regurgitating everything from the book of “Stupid-Ass Unoriginal Sprite Comic ‘Jokes'”.

Isn’t that totally random name just hilarious? No. No, it’s fucking retarded; and so is this character.

God, how many terrible jokes can I fit in such a small amount of time? Acronyms Shoved into the reader are Stupid—A.S.S. See how stupid that was? How are they urchins, anyway? The close-up joke… well, isn’t even a joke, really. And the “won’t win any awards”? Why would they? I don’t remember the Book of World Records ever including “Best Assassinated Person” award, do you?

Look, guys: More cameos! It’s funny because they are characters from a different comic? That by itself is a laugh-riot, but I was also benign enough to include the “Mario characters + mature content” card, which is also quite original. I’m not exactly sure how Birdo could be a stripper when she’s always naked, being a dinosaur and all, though.

One might complain about making fun of tragic assassinations; but I think the reader would be too offended by how terrible the rest of this comic is. Shit, that Joe’s abusive parents bull shit offends me much more, personally.

That third panel is completely useless. Way to waste precious kilobytes of bandwidth and people’s time loading that.

Yeah, I said “fucking”! Isn’t that hilarious? No; forced fucking cursing is stupid fucking shit. See how stupid that is?

The next panel is also useless. So, basically they will continue what they’re doing now? Kind of like how the next part of any comic has the characters continue what they’re doing—that’s called a storyline. Besides, it’s such an uninteresting topic, who cares?

I don’t remember what I had planned for the dream—probably because there was no plan; way to script this, dumb shit—but I am afraid that it was probably going to be as ham-fisted as anything else here related to Joe. He’s just an anti-entertainment tumor just like the rest of the characters.

Panels four and five are just more of that “satire” I was trying, wherein I admit that my jokes are not funny, but continue doing them anyway.

Oh yeah, “To Be Continued…”? Fat fucking chance. Thankfully, I came to my fucking senses and cut the cord on this cancer before I caused anymore damage to anyone’s brains—as if anyone ever read any of this trash. Good riddance and good night.

-JJW Mezun (Originally Published: May 20, 2010)

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