The Poisonous Bros. Adventure, Chapter One

So I’ve technically been doing this blog for over two years now, and I was thinking, “You know, I haven’t made fun of my old crap for a while.” So that’s what I’m going to do. Hey, it’s either that or more terrible Sonic sprite comics—and I know you don’t want that.

The Poisonous Bros. Adventure (I think there was originally supposed to be a possessive apostrophe for “Bros.,” but that looks awkward as hell—just like that comma after “Bros.” back there) was a daily comic, which should indicate the amount of time I spend writing it (none). I think I did it for a year, stopped for two years, and then started it back up for about a week or so before my A.D.D. acted up and I chose the first excuse to drop it.

Oh yeah, and one tip for those who might decide to make their own webcomic: don’t. But if for some reason you do, also don’t cut the panels into separate files; because if you do you might have to spend a lot of time reconfiguring them. Augh.

A Very Action Packed Begginning

Yes, apparently I was too stupid to figure out how to spell such a complicated word as “beginning”.

Interestingly, my earlier notes (yes, I already wrote comments about these comics years ago; and no, they are not entertaining in the slightest) indicate that in 2006 I didn’t like this strip, either. Man, if my teenage self didn’t like this it must be terrible. I can’t imagine why; this punchline is gold. “We’re not lost… oh yes we are!” (laugh track). I can’t blame them for getting lost in that never-ending track of flat grasslands: there aren’t even any trees or rocks for miles!

You’ll notice I hadn’t figured out the art of centering text in the text boxes yet; an art that requires the complex task of using the marquee tool to select the text and move it around. We were still in the stone age of sprite comics after all!

Greg Had a Map All Along!

And it’s so big it made the comic layout really awkward! Alright! Not only is this map uglier than sin (even the map notes how most of the land is empty grasslands), it was blatantly ripped off from another comic, “Boomerang Tang”. If, by chance, you somehow find that comic lying around the internet you would be advised not to even come near it: it is so bad it can melt the skin off of your face.

Ho, ho, ho! More brilliant punchlines! I think I wanted “This sounds like a DUMB experience.” to be Jack’s sitcom catchphrase. You know what is really “DUMB”? Not figuring out how to use fucking italics in MS Paint.

I am curious how Geremy and Jack can think pausing. Did their brains shut down? Considering Jack can’t even figure out how to shut his damn mouth for god damn once I can’t be too surprised. If I actually had a speck of skill back then I could have given him a little dribble under his mouth. Oh well, we can’t expect da Vinci here.

Oh yeah, and I totally forgot the name of the place they were going to, proving I wasn’t even paying an ounce of attention while making this crap. I call it “Sinister City” in this strip, even though it was clearly “Demented City”earlier. What, did they go through a revolution between these two strips? What kind of idiots call their city “Sinister” or “Demented”, anyway? I’m sure that’s popular for tourists.

The Village of Morons

Brace yourself: these next few strips are going to be really obnoxious and patronizing. Take this comic, for example: this character acts crazy! Get it? That’s… that’s the entire joke. Just some character acting like a jackass. Because that’s… funny I guess?

Hey, and speaking of morons, apparently I couldn’t figure out how to spell “audience.” That’s great. That’s not even including “conversasion” and “INVAIDING” (my use of all-caps in the latter is also a case of bad style), which I assume (hope) was intentional. Also, apparently I was such a moron I couldn’t even get the Poisonous Bros.’ colors right.

Well, at least this place has more than just barren grass—it’s got a single house! Sure, it doesn’t even have any windows; but you can’t expect the Hilton hotel here! Besides, there’s also… red grass? This comic was made in autumn, I guess. Man, I was fucking stoned when I made this shit, I swear.

Inside the Insane’s Place

I fucking warned you.

I’m glad that I not only wrote the two stupidest sentences in the world, but I also pointed out that they were stupid in case the readers missed my immensely subtle jokes. It is kind of easy to miss, though: I still can’t understand how this is funny, even with the help.

Hey, you know what else I noticed? My dumb ass was also apparently too fucking stupid to take the fucking status bar out of the picture. You know, because we’re in a secret level of Super Mario World, apparently—even though Mario is nowhere to be found. That’s real fucking swell.

It Was a Trick All Along!

This comic is the equivalent of watching someone have an epileptic seizure: it’s not really funny; it’s just awkward.

Also, you can clearly see that pipe will only lead them to bonk into that other pipe behind it—so Magi Kami’s (or whatever that asshole’s name was) plan worked well.

Oh yeah, and giving away the comic in the title is really stupid. Like, don’t do it if you ever decide to make the mistake of trying to create one of these “comic” things.

Geremy’s Moral and Greg’s Moral

Wow, I have never seen an attempt to draw trees fail so hard. Man, fucking toddlers can draw that shit. MS Paint isn’t that limiting. I mean, that’s not even a bunch of trees—it’s a bunch of tree trunks glued together with a big oval of leaves on top. They’re even in a perfect line and have no branches, which you totally see in nature.

I think I have mentioned before my immense enjoyment of punchlines containing nothing but one character calling another a pejorative. Calling someone not just a jackass, but an idiotic jackass, is truly the apex of cleverness.

Survival!

Two people bitching at each other is less funny and more annoying; if I wanted to endure that I’d visit my parents.

Oh yeah, and Geremy said something random. I guess that’s supposed to be funny or something. Ho, ho, ho.

Actually, I’d almost think that reference to Dinosaur Land was a clever jab at my leaving that damn status bar in the panel a few strips ago; and yet I know that nobody who would write “Yeah, well you wear mittens!” could ever write anything clever. Well, at least I spelled the word “mittens” correctly. Hey, if I can’t even spell “beginning” correctly, then all bets are off.

Who Will Be Voted Off?

Hopefully this whole comic.

Ha, ha, ha! “Lost Forest of Lostness”! Get it? Because it’s extra lost! God, this is fucking stupid.

And—hey!—it’s a voting someone off joke! That’s original.

The Pipe of Destiny!

There is so much fucking stupid in this strip I can’t even get them all straight. Okay, first… the punchline is Geremy saying “Weeeeeeeheeeeeee!” That’s a knee-slapper, of course. Second, Jack says they’re getting nowhere, then they go in a pipe that clearly goes somewhere (unless it just leads them to bonk into a pipe as well). And where the fuck did that pipe even come from? Are they even walking forward? Well, then why did Jack need to introduce it when they should all be able to see it for themselves. Of course, you can’t tell whether or not they’re even moving—the background sure doesn’t present any indication.

Oh, and I almost forgot about that whole pregnancy joke. Oh, how I came so close to purging it from my mind.

The Deed Has Been Done

I might make a cynical comment about how delightful a comic about cold-blooded murder is; but, to be honest, having that obnoxious, useless character get his ass burnt does truly please me. Good job. I still hadn’t taken out that fucking status bar, though.

Don’t worry about that “cle’cha” loop, Greg (that’s the most creative misspelling of “cliché” I’ve ever seen): you always seem to have 296 seconds to spare, no matter how much time you spend.

The Evil Tryclyde!

Wait a fucking minute… You’re telling me I can’t figure out how to spell something as simple as “remember”, but I can spell “déjà vu”? That’s some idiot savant shit right there.

“Who’d make a comic of THIS?” Apparently someone boring enough to make the most “cle’cha” self-deprecation joke ever.

The Power of Bluffing!

These Comic Titles Are Not That Exciting That They All Need Exclamation Marks!

Is Jack repeating what Greg is saying… supposed to be funny? How? What aspect of humor does it possess? Like, it makes absolutely no sense. Does Geremy need Jack to interpret Greg’s words into… the same exact words?

Birth of a Three-Headed Snake

It’s the same fucking bullshit! Why? It isn’t funny!

Hey, I just noticed that little blue mug Greg has in the first panel… which magically disappears afterwards. We wouldn’t want to blow all of my budget on these high-tech special effects!

Once Said, Twice Again

Okay, I can kind of get this… wordplay. I mean, it’s better. Oh god, my standards are already plummeting.

There isn’t even any joke to make: this is just filler. Way to ruin it for everyone, younger me.

Greg’s Last Will

Tryclyde, can you please kill these assholes already? I can’t stand anymore of this bullshit. The joke doesn’t even make any fucking sense: obviously Tryclyde’s going to kill them all so they wouldn’t get anything anyway.

The Battle Shall Begin!

It should have fucking began three strips ago.

Augh! This is fucking stupid! This writing is the equivalent of banging your drunken fists on the keyboard like a fucking orangutan! You know, because I am certain the readers are itching to find out if our heroes’ battle will be taped for prosperity. I’m sure Tryclyde and all of his buddies are just gonna pop that fucker in every Christmas, with popcorn popping in the microwave! It’s just too bad they didn’t tape the gold material they made earlier: Tryclyde will miss Jack’s impressive skills of interpreting English into English. Fuck! This is fucking stupid!

The Hijinx of a Hoax

The “Hijinx” of a misspelled word. What does “Hijinx of a Hoax” even mean?

This bullshit is still going on! It never fucking ends! It’s just idiot piled on dumbass, making a rich series of inanity! Why did I ever think anyone would enjoy watching these two jerkasses delaying their battle by telling stupid stories would be funny? Oh, and “closerer”—that’s a real fucking laugh riot! Even though nobody would ever make an error like that on accident (proven by the fact that I did this error on purpose), and so it doesn’t even work as a malaprop. It simply makes the already fat wall of text even tubbier. Or should I say, “tubbierer”? Would that be funnier…er?

The Snake Battle’s FINALLY Over!!!

I’m so excited about this shit finally being finished that I’ll even forgive my younger self for his impertinent use of all-caps and multiple exclamation marks.

Ha, ha, ha: “Time to kill said snake before comic boring too much!” Too fucking late. I bet I sure thought I was clever playing around with his word placement there. I was a real fucking Shakespeare.

Not only is the punchline just Greg falling on his face (LOLZ!), but this all just makes this whole thing a big shaggy dog story; except while 8-Bit Theater is usually funny when it does this stuff, none of these jokes were funny, so it was just annoying.

Oh, and look at that sexy explosion cloud! It took hours to draw that and required years of graphic design education to learn how.

“I am Sleepy”

…Is what every reader would say.

It’s a good thing for Greg and Jack that the owners of that inn weren’t too snooty to put their inn in the middle of nowhere, where nobody would ever come around. “Location, location, location” be damned.

Magi-Kami What?

I’m glad we spent three panels discussing Magi-Kami’s idiotic name. Since anyone could easily guess why he kidnapped Geremy, and because this comic isn’t funny in the slightest, this strip is technically useless. And by “technically,” I mean “completely.”

The Plot’s Revealed

What plot? You mean the plot that’s already happened? Yes, that really needed revealing; since anyone reading this comic would have been too bored to pay attention the readers needed a summary.

And Magi-Kami saying “I really hate you” with that stupid look of annoyance on his face is really funny, I know. Why stop there? Why not have Magi-Kami exclaim, “Drats! Foiled again!” and then swish his cape, running off as goofy music plays?

I made the mistake of referencing another sprite comic of mine here—one which I thankfully lost to the ether. Actually, I did find bits and pieces of it on archive.org (yes, they actually saved some of it for some reason); but not enough that you could make a coherent story out of (if it ever had one). It feels kind of like one of those old 1930s movies that, because nobody thought anyone would want to watch old movies, the owners carelessly threw away or lost. The only way to view it now is to tape the pieces together and add some pure text to explain the massive holes in the “footage”. (Besides, none of it was terribly compelling, anyway. Even if one were to erroneously consider any of my old sprite comics to have any quality, this one was pretty weak.)

Geremy’s Missing… Nobody Cares?

Considering what an annoying shit Geremy is, can you blame them for being glad he’s gone? He’s like that relative you never liked who dies—you know, the one you had to pretend you liked at the funeral to avoid looking like an asshole.

The Night of Halloween!

Hello, holiday special abruptly thrown in for no reason. Well, at least I learned one thing: warping apparently produces blue dandruff.

And everyone in the comic died. Yeah, that would be a happy Halloween.

The Message of Excitement!

Here you see me making the same mistake I constantly deride other sprite comics for doing—bad Mezun! I might even forgive myself for slacking off playing video games, I’d even forgive myself for misspelling “Pokémon”; but I cannot believe I actually read other people’s sprite comics. Did I have no taste back then? Oh wait, I made this comic didn’t I? So I guess the answer is no.

Getting in the Land of the Demented

Now it’s “Demented City” again! What country does this take place in, Russia?

Wait… He clearly made a hole in the fucking wall with that boomerang; how is that not going to “cut it”? I think it cut it perfectly fine.

Geremy, An Evil Genius?

Oh no! Don’t trap him in the gray square! And then he’s using his… zigzag magic laser on him to hold him in the air? Why does it need to zigzag?

Don’t ask what “Mactaron” means: it means nothing. It was literally just jibberish I made up.

A Lesson in Caring for Your Brother

Um, why don’t you go in the same way Magi-Kami is going in now?

Breakin’ In

What? But… you just said that didn’t work! Now it suddenly does? I apparently had the attention span of a gnat when writing this.

That’s some fancy light coming from Magi-Kami’s computer: it goes straight forward and doesn’t affect Magi-Kami himself.

Inside the Lame Fortress

It says something when even my past self realized all of this padding is bad; and yet I still made it all. I guess I thought lampshading it made it okay. Ha, ha, ha—it didn’t.

Chrono, Magi-Kami’s Body-Gaurd

The last word in this title is an odd case of hyperurbanism (trying to “over-correct” grammar, ironically making it incorrect in the process), especially coming from someone who couldn’t even be bothered to spell “guard” correctly. As you can see, I made these errors consistently, too. Also, apparently I didn’t understand the phrase “mild-mannered men” very well.

I can already sense a sidesplitting running gag coming, with the punchline as my clue. Get your pillows ready, everyone!

Chrono’s Thearpy

I cannot imagine how I ever thought “therapy” was spelled that way, since it sounds nothing like that. My earlier hypothesis (in which I wrote these comics by banging my fists on my keyboard as an orangutan) gains further evidence.

I can’t help but think “Chrono sad” is ripping off something—and by “something” I mean “a lot of things.”

Chrono’s Weakness? Part 1

Apparently Greg thinks Chrono’s weakness is being subjected to pure, hyperactive inanity. I mean, I don’t even think “under-wing” is even an idiom; at least, I don’t remember anyone else ever using it.

Chrono’s Weakness? Part 2

Yup: it’s pure, hyperactive inanity—just like I thought.

The Clone of…

These long, boring walls of text really hyped me for this exciting twist.

That’s All He Can Say

Thank you, title: now that I already know this strip’s joke I don’t even have to read it. How convenient!

“’Cause I’ll smeare [sic] ya like a pie!” Thank you, Bazooka Joe.

Holy shit! I just read my 2006 notes and I made that exact same joke: “‘I’ll smear you like a pie’? What is this, Bazooka Joe?” Great, now I’m predictable.

Just Gotta Ask

Hey, if it makes this shit end quicker I’ll be glad.

Forgetting the Last Episode

One would be lucky if he could forget all of them.

I think these sequences were so boring that even Magi-Kami couldn’t stand watching these two douche bags for too long. He probably gave up and started surfing for Koopa porn or something.

Villainous Hunger

This is like one of those god awful alternative comics—you know, the ones in which the author felt the need to include all of those little details that make the comic all real and poetic, or whatever. First the audience needs to be assured that some shaggy dog fight will be taped for imaginary characters to watch never, and now the audience must be informed whenever our villain decides to have a meal. It’s too bad that within all of this padding I couldn’t find a place to fit any compelling plot or clever jokes.

Pizzalicious!

It seems like they went less through a doorway and more through a window with gray glass.

And is it me or does Magi-Kami seem to be sitting on a tiny trampoline? What alien planet did I live on that would influence me to mistake that… thing for a chair?

Ordering Pizza

The punchline is the characters munching on pizza. The punchline is the characters munching on pizza. I mean, come on! They’re not even really eating the pizza—unless all four of them decided to stuff the entire pizzas in their mouths as some strange ritual or the pizzas are magically invisible. And you can clearly see that Jack isn’t eating any pizza since his slack-jawed maw is still hanging open.

Stealing

Interestingly, if you paid attention to the previous comic (you probably didn’t, since anyone who did would have their brain shut down) you might have noticed that they already took the “Mactaron Jewel,” or whatever (I believe “jewel” was probably uncapitalized sometime earlier—consistency!). This was probably the only actually clever thing I’d ever written in this comic, and actually almost makes the pointlessness of the previous comic work, with the true purpose simply being hidden. At least that’s what I tell myself when I try to sleep at night.

Spilling the Beans

I can’t even make the sarcastic laughing joke anymore—I can only do it so many times. Man, this is the fucking worst. I actually prefer the characters just standing quietly eating pizza to this.

The Mactaron Jewel’s Power

I’m just going to “spoil” a future part of the comic, since nobody should care, just to point out that this seemingly random punchline actual does have a point later on. You should even be able to predict when this point will be in a few strips.

This comic would actually be tolerable if not for that “Turtle in a Black Shell!” line. Augh.

Also, my previous self also thought that chair looks like a little trampoline, too. God damn it, stop stealing my material, me.

October 13th 1985

I’m actually not sure if that date is the correct release date for Super Mario Bro—oh wait, nobody cares. Oh yeah, “spoiler alert,” or whatever.

Warping

Since this is the end of this “chapter” I shall take the liberty of ending this article. I hope to do the next few chapters (I won’t do the whole thing; don’t worry), maybe—if I can find anything somewhat compelling to say about them, that is.

Read Chapter Two

-J.J.W. Mezun

Published: December 9, 2011

About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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2 Responses to The Poisonous Bros. Adventure, Chapter One

  1. 1337doom says:

    It would be entertaining for you to do all seven chapters, maybe over a while? Like, make two chapters review every few months or something? I dunno.

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