Cuteness² + Evilness³ = Kirby (Archive)

Cuteness2 + Evilness3 = Kirby is a sprite comic whose name I will never type out again. It also stars some asshole Kirby who eats Dr. Wily and decides to take over the world himself by building his own robot masters and by screwing around and never doing anything in advancement of his goal. It is also “on hiatus” or whatever excuse Pishi made, which is basically “I got a job and finally realized what a waste of time making this shit is”. Actually, to tell the truth, this comic isn’t that bad, but that won’t stop us from making fun of it anyway.

Update: I forgot to mention this, but Pishi gets a special kudos from me for actually optimizing his comics to a suitable filesize.


I hope this sanity slippage Pishi the randomly re-colored Dedede so subtlety foreshadows is the cause for this backwards word bubble placement; this wasn’t translated from Japanese.


Do you like my blow-job delivering Snowman, guys? I just tested him out this morning.

Oh, Kirby! Your buddies’ forced expressions after your hilarious punchline will live in the hearts of 80-year-olds forever… or until their death next week from pulmonary disease… from the hilarity of this comic, of course.


Hey, he’s not as useless as you think; not only can he fly, he can spout racial slurs.


Maybe that’s where the punchline hid, too; because I certainly can’t find it.


Kirby didn’t even build Cameo Man; he just stole a Mega Man clone and sent him to Queer Eye For the Straight Guy to redesign his fashion. Maybe his superpower is his ability to blind his foes with his garish coloring.


AAAH!!! I’M THE OBNOXIOUS CHARACTER!!! Why do I have a feeling that I am going to immensely despise this character—even more than I already do.

Kirby sure underestimates the abilities of his own creations; I would shit my pants if I could create a robot that could read my mind, even if I presented it in a convenient white bubble.


Foiling Meta Knights plans was evil enough, but annoying him a little, too? That’s a little Hitlerific there, Chibi. I love how utterly foiled Meta Knight feels in that last panel, even after bragging about your voice somehow being a color (I would love to know how red sounds, by the way.) “I am no match for this mighty sarcasm of yours, Chibi!” It was a brilliant comment, too, so you can’t blame Meta Knight for being an utter pussy.


I agree with Doo in that final panel; Kirby does look creepy as shit. Maybe he had an aneurism thinking about all the great, useless robots he will make.


“Duh. Okay, I’ll just stand here and let the box attack me.” And what about your mind-reading and eye-traumatizing abilities, Cameo Man? Shit, that’s better than the ability to make fuel fire and hold shit.


“Duh. I’ll just stand here, too.” Now I know where Cameo Man received his stupidity gene from. You know, I love how Cameo Man decided to distract Kirby even though he was already apparently distracted, as shown in panel two; he just directed attention to himself only to distract him again—and then didn’t even run after that. It takes some serious incompetence to suck that hard.


Meta Knight prepares himself before every battle by setting his face on fire.

How did Cameo Man fall on his ass after that last comic, where he was perfectly able to stand, even after the shocking revelation that Meta Knight was nearby. What, he can’t figure out how to stand for long periods of time, either?


I, for one, would be glad to see that useless douche bag’s ass kil… wait, how the hell did Meta Knight even get out of that box? He didn’t even break it; he just made a bunch of tiny red slices. What, did he slip through those tiny slits?


Pishi sure flanderized Meta Knight here. I know Meta Knight has that whole self-righteous duty to kill Kirby and all, but I don’t think he lives his whole life dedicated to that one goal. I can just imagine him waking up every morning to posters of Kirby all over his room, shaking his fist and yelling, while trying to hold back tears, “Why do you torture me so!” I mean, look: Meta Knight’s so depressed by it all he’s setting himself on fire again just to end the suffering.


Your face in that final panel doesn’t look good to me, either. And, Meta Knight, nothing good can come from Star Wars references. They’re pretty much like saying “I can’t figure out how to actually write jokes.” Sure, Cameo Man’s occupation is to provide cameos; but he’s a shitty character and should be grinded into silicon chips, anyway. That would solve all of our problems.


Their pitch: “We put four tackily re-colored, badly resized freaks in the same room…”


Is that supposed to be a joke, or just the oddest place to put exposition. It was important exposition, too: How else could we know that Kirby would repair his work and hide after someone destroys his work and chases after him? Those events are totally unconnected!


He’s not really dragging him as he is stepping all over him. Also, love how Kirby’s supposedly evil castle turned is now pink? That really is a menacing color, Kirby; I’m scared already.


Meanwhile, something completely irrelevant to this comic entirely…


Oh great, Cameo has his own catch phrase. Now I hate him twice as much. “I MUST do research on how you suck so skillfully!”

By the way, is it me or does this “research” sound like a sexual innuendo?


I think the better question is why would someone want to copy you, Wily.

So, is Cameo Man’s thought talking out loud? That’s pretty damn amazing. I have to admit, Cameo Man doesn’t get the credit he deserves considering his amazing powers.


And he went through all of that trouble shoving that sword in the floor in panel three, another way Meta Knight prepares for his battles, and all for nothing.


Honestly, considering how retarded Kirby made him look, Kirby probably deserves this. What is he even supposed to be? Autism Man?


“Dad, why do we live in ‘The Space Barf Galaxy’?”… “Wait! Where are you going? Will this become a real punchline?”


I smell copyright infringement. What did she do with the other robot masters? Eat them?


“Kirby! How dare you interrupt me singing my favorite song, ‘Walking’, to your overly-light-exposed statue! I shall punish you by talking in cliché! ACK!”


“I’ll just impersonate That’s My Sonic!’s dialogue! Meta Knight will flee from the dreadful lack of entertainment!


I’m not exactly sure how Kirby expected that plan to work. Shit, if I were Meta Knight Kirby’s annoying jackassery would make me want to kill his douchy ass sooner.


“Nothing can stop me! Not even this this sun growing out of my face!”

“Thank you, loyal friend. I’ll just run off and leave you to fight by yourself to save my own ass.” I mean, it’s not like Kirby can fight or anything.


Roll’s death grip not only made Kirby drop his fake facial hair—it also changed his shading and detail! That fiend!


Yeah, be grateful, Kirby; she even went through the effort to make that beautiful interpretive dance for you. I call panel two the “I got up after a 100 feet fall” walk, panel three the “taking a dump” walk, and the final panel the “arms don’t bend that way” stance.


Quick! Get Cameo Man to watch his thought bubbles!


I hope Robots ‘R Us charges a lot, considering they must have only two customers—and that’s not until Kirby just decided to be one this comic.


Advertencia: No podemos deletrear la palabra “muy”.


I’m amazed Kirby can even get that computer to work with the internet, considering it looks like it’s Windows 3.0 there.


CEK will develop a plot after this break.


The Chao on the left tragically died when he fell off of the cliff he was dangerously hanging on the edge of.


Damn, Meta Knight took the last phone that exists in the entire world. This spells trouble.


“Kirby, this is where you hid the plot.”


In Dreamland, the currency is floating white dollar signs, and money banks turn into fatter, solid stones when you smash them.


I don’t think Kirby there understands how credit cards work; unless he intentionally ruined his own credit just to spite others.


I don’t know if I would trust Auto there. “We don’t work with robots; but if you call us we will just for you. Oh, the catalogue! I guess we do work with robots, now don’t we.”


I’m not certain how being chased by a giant penguin makes you senile, unless you just imagined it. I’m pretty sure that would make the penguin more of the crazy one. “Look at her get chased by the psychopath with that knife; man, she’s just insane!


While the “envy” part missed its mark, I think this comic did cause hatred and bitterness. Ice Man Plushie is sponsored by irrelevant bullshit. Plot? What’s that, again?


You might be wondering “When will this asshole start trying to take over the world already?” Boy, are you in a long ride (spoilers: that leads nowhere).


And our second lesson is “don’t dive headfirst into the cement used for building the ceiling of the castle.” You know, for a castle that place looks pretty high tech.


Wait, Meta Knight waited all his life for that moment to finally kill Kirby, and he fucks it up? Man, he’s definitely going to kill himself after this failure, still shouting at his mean Kirby posters.


What random bullshit will the author drop on our plates now to procrastinate any plot development, now? Next week maybe Kirby will decide to become a rock star and then go to rehab after he becomes a washed-up drug addict, or he’ll fly to fucking space in a rocket and fight aliens.


My only guess is that Robots ‘R Us doubles as a police department and they hire Black Mages into their forces. “And call 9-1-1 to get your nearest White Mage on the line.”


“Duh, who’s this person? I can’t tell from his obviously recognizable back.” “Time to fail at killing Kirby again, after I put this giant mustache on my head.”


“Hello, complete stranger. I would love to sacrifice my life to benefit you!”


Why would you want Pishi back? So he can interrupt the God damn comic even more with his stupid-ass doll?


I’ll only forgive this terrible fourth-wall breaking joke because this comic included both Waddle Doo and Chilly. In fact, fuck Kirby and Meta Knight—and don’t get me started on that motherfucker Pishi—this comic should just be Waddle Doo and Chilly.


How many times can you use “yup, I’m crazy” as a punchline, Pishi?


I wish for a joke to be made, please.


I doubt anyone would take “I have a dinosaur on my roof!” that seriously at a real sanitarium, even if they didn’t doubt he wasn’t just making things up; and they certainly would never sent a goose-stepping Dr. Mario to shove pills down his throat.


I guess Kirby’s visit was very quick. What, do mental hospitals just give you pills to cure all of your psychological problems, and that’s it?


Hmm… Pishi’s stooping to some levels here.


Cameo Man is so lame that he greets Kirby with jazz hands.


Let’s see: That’s use number fifty seven, now…


And now we end this diversion to return to the diversion from the actual plot that we diverted from, meaning that were halfway back to returning to the whole “taking over the world” business.


Here comes filler!


Here comes filler!


Just look at that beautiful perspective there, what with the dinosaur who appears to be standing on the side castle.


Meta Knight must live near a atomic testing area if his liver-on-the-top-left-of-his-face henchman is any indication.


Does Meta Knight have a fucking key to place? He just pops in whenever he wants.


It doesn’t explain where the punchline went. “Oops? We knew we forgot something!”


“I knew giving him that key so he could water my plants when I’m gone was a bad idea!”


“You don’t like this part of the comic? Well I’ll just have my imaginary characters eat you. So there!”

You’re telling me this comic actually has fans?


I actually wouldn’t trust that phone number; one, because it is eight digits, and two because it’s “Leet Lolz”, which doesn’t seem all that professional to me.


This punchline is a little backwards. Chibi Ninja, after magically changing his wardrobe in less than a blink of the eye, says he’s better than Meta Knight, and then Meta Knight comes in sad-faced, which is really no more than just his mask flipped upside-down, and is no way menacing-looking. Chibi not understanding how emotions work gets intimidated by Meta Knight’s pussy stare and changes his opinion of himself to one less impressive. Why? Was he trying to make Meta Knight feel better? Wasn’t he earlier jerking him around with the worst use of sarcasm since The Wotch?


Ziggy called; he wants his fucking jokes back.


“I can sense much mischief coming…”? What the hell does that mean? Is it the most awkward way of warning that he’s going to go do something zany to get back at them (like make more terribly orchestrated take thats against the audience)? Is he complaining about the people he’s calling are purposely trying to annoy him, presumably because they hate having actual customers?

And what kind of company makes you go through all of this bullshit to give them money and still stays afloat? Man, they must get a shit-load of bail-out money from the government to still be around.


I just noticed: He’s not even using the God damn phone. It’s still on the hook and it’s not even fucking plugged in. Man, he really is loony.


“Like my new hat? I got it from ‘Shitty Sprite-Resizes ‘R Us’.”

I love Auto’s expression in that third panel—that is one of the few positive things I can say.


“Lord of Hatred”? More like “Lord of my Mom’s Basement”. Now take off that cardboard you call hair and that suit even DBZ villains would laugh at; for God’s sake, you’re working in a business. This chain must be owned by the company from Ansem Retort.


“Some people can’t appreciate my wonky arms”.

Also, you seemed to miss the button by a couple inches, unless that’s a touch-screen LCD.


The question sure worried Kirby there—so much that he spilled all of his weaknesses right there. I think they should call Karnak “Lord of Interrogation”… after maybe “Lord of Douchiest Names”.


I ask again: how can any company run this badly still stay afloat? And why hasn’t this asshole been fired yet? Maybe Karnak was just forced to get a job by his mom, and now he’s trying to get fired so he doesn’t have to work.


Stop making that rape face, Kirby. It got old the 200th time you used it.


“The good news is that I finally figured out how to use a phone.”


“I have no fingers, so I’ll just punch towards the objects I want you to look at.”


“Damn it! I forgot to put in a punchline again!”

Who cares about being pink when you can change the shape and composition of your face like Wily does in panel four?


I just love how obsessed Meta Knight is with this killing Kirby thing. He’s just standing there stylishly watching Kirby, waiting for his chance just to torture him. I mean, Meta Knight could just stab him more; it would be a lot easier.


Well, now how does that work? Couldn’t Wily just take him back? Otherwise, there was nothing from stopping Kirby from taking it in the first place. It’s as if Wily’s thought process is “Well, he’s moved a little closer to Kirby; there’s nothing I can do about it.”


Wily could at least be mature enough not to make funny faces at Kirby.


Now that’s spriting craftsmanship. Love the mask that just magically stays glued to Cameo Man’s face without any straps or anything.


Um… I’m pretty sure Pishi didn’t even really write a comic here. Let’s pretend this never happened.


If the news is that Cameo Man got sucked out into Space Barf Galaxy, I don’t see how that could possibly be sad. Well, maybe sad for the rest of the galaxy.


“He’s coming on to me! This is bad…”


Hurry up and kill him, Dedede; before he becomes any more obnoxious.


He’s not even doing anything; he’s just standing there. You could at least move your arms to appear like you’re working, Pishi.


Here comes filler!


Here comes filler!


Is this a “Behind the Scenes” look at Dr. Kirby Wily’s terribly interesting organization? Get back to the God damn plot! Or, at least the one you were pretending to have.


We only have six more comics to go, folks.


I don’t think computers show the commands you give them on-screen, unless this is just a shallow advertisement to the webcomic. For shame, Pishi.


That chair on the right is fused to the computer, in case anyone was afraid it would be useful for something.


I would rather today’s lesson be “Don’t write bullshit like this into the archives, you lazy bastard.”


How about somebody fix your blood-filled eyes next.


There are so many holes in the logic of this comic it would take forever to point them all out. How about we stick with more of Pishi’s shameless advertisements, to make it more USER FRIENDLY?


If I saw that dorky Mario cosplayer run up to me and try to hug me, I would run, too.

-JJW Mezun


1 Response to Cuteness² + Evilness³ = Kirby (Archive)

  1. edward18 says:


    …oh how I miss it…

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