Before anybody attempts to deny any claims made on this web site based on not creating sprite comics myself (which is an illogical argument, by the way; GameSpot and GameFAQs don’t need to make video games to review video games, do they?) this page shall dash that argument to pieces. It will also show the worst crime that I have ever committed—and I’m not even talking about the (might be) copyright infringement issue.
Beginning in August 2002, I concocted my first sprite comic, starring unimaginatively stolen Mario and Pikachu as they run through the fun house looking for a horrifically-drawn (which was my older sister’s fine work, actually) Dr. John, so that they could… do something, I guess. I’ll assume that I had not written that far into my non-existent script.
Pikachu and Mario’s Comic Craze #3 (I lost the first two)
This is the type of work that only absolutely no knowledge on how to create a fucking comic can make. When has anyone ever seen word boxes like this? Never. Never, because nobody in their right mind would depict dialogue in this manner. Nobody’s going to waste their time analyzing each box to discover which one has the number “1” on it, especially when there isn’t even any consistency when it comes to the dialogue box numbering. On the first dialogue box the number is at the end while the rest have their numbers at the beginning.
But let us not dwell on the shitty construction of the word boxes. Let’s analyze the actual words that inhabit these boxes. In this episode I certainly wanted to portray excitement, evident by the multiple uses of exclamation marks—which is grammatically incorrect, by the way. One would wonder how Dr. John—that name is so lame—could yell so loud and yet Pikachu and Mario remain blissfully unaware.
Oh wait, I guess they did hear him. The random change in scenery made me believe that this was at a different time frame. But no, I guess Dr. John knew Pikachu and Mario were onto him, so he ran off as fast as he could between those two panels, taking those two, um, gray boxes with him. It makes sense that I didn’t include that background from the first panel in the next panel; you don’t expect that I would have taken the time to copy and paste it, do you? No, that would have been too strenuous for me.
Which brings me to the most enjoyable part: the graphics. It is evident that this comic takes place in some strange world where backgrounds do not exist; an isolated void where buildings or trees, which would be visible if even miles and miles away, are nowhere nearby. And the grass is a green rectangle. No, no, no—wait! A green rectangle, with a line of another shade of green above it! Feast your eyes on my magnificent artwork!
And I could go on and on. For example, I could elaborate on how I was not even capable of copying and pasting sprites in correctly; evident by Mario missing a pixel on his hat, and Pikachu having an extra pixel below his stomach. I could also mention how Dr. John’s feet seep under the gray blocks in the first panel, which is oh so physically illogical. Why not marvel at how that sign that says “Fun Mirrors —>” is magically floating in the air? But I believe that I have subjected you to enough horror.
I’m kidding, of course. We have one more holocaust to peruse, and I hope you’re prepared, because this one is long, and a sin against humanity.
Let’s turn the clock forward a couple months to December 2002, when I finished my longest opus ever, and actually published the pathogen onto the internet. Because I still had no fucking clue what the hell I was doing, this 87 panel comic was made up of one image. Please keep a paper bag nearby in case you develop the urge to regurgitate.
Welcome to Screwy World
I warned you about the barf bag.
You can clearly see from this epic beginning that I truly possessed a skillful grasp on how to flow a comic. It’s almost as logical as those Law Stripz. Let’s just recap what we read: These four fuck-heads are standing around, Pikachu shocks Bowser in the face, Bowser gets scratches on his face and apparently goes to sleep, he magically disappears and a badly-drawn chocolate bunny named “DCB”, whatever the fuck that means, appears and tells them to come with him. Actually, scratch that, it actually looks as if Bowser transformed into DCB (by the way, “DBC” stands for “Da Chocolate Bunny”, which is da stupidest fucking name you could ever give a character). Considering that this comic was shittily written, nobody can be certain. It’s even worse than Kirby’s Fan Mail, which I’ll get to later.
To begin with, if you’re going to put swear words into your comic, don’t f**king try to cover it was stupid-@$$ symbols. Any dip-$#!t can tell what the words are, and it just looks r$t@rd$d.
Second, this is the perfect example of how not to do a joke, with maybe the exception of every single Bowser’s Plan B strip. Oh, who am I kidding; this whole comic is devoid of any jokes, a common feature amongst (un) humor sprite comics. You may think that it’s pretty retarded to forget to even attempt a joke in almost every comic, but there are many who do this, and they all suck @$$. (See how fucking annoying this is?)
Wait a minute; none of these panels even relate to each other whatsoever. Did I just sneak that middle panel in for shits and giggles, or something? God, this comic is worse than I remembered.
I don’t even know what to say. By the way, “Time ta fight!” is the greatest quote I’ve ever read, really. That’s one of those lines that every writer will put in the middle of their shitty poetry for years to come. Very inspirational.
Ha ha, holy shit this comic is God-awful. By the way, having your character say “That was dumb” in response to a stupid joke is usually not funny—it’s usually forced and annoying.
First, it is amazing how Luigi was able to throw those sunflower seeds without even moving his arms. Maybe the sunflower seeds moved themselves with the same magic that caused the “Poison Bros.” to turn into shitty gray MS Paint spray paint.
Also, fuck what I said about “Time ta fight!”, “YOU FORGOT TO ASK OF THEIR KING!!!” is much greater. That’s Shakespearean shit right there.
Wow, that “Toad, the Toad” shit was incredibly witty. Get it? His name is Toad, and he’s a toad. Rich! And who needs periods when you can just run the next sentence onto the first one they turned Super World to Screwed World! And seriously, “Super World”? Real clever name.
Jesus. Where do I start? To begin with, you have to love my excellent character design. Just take Mario and Luigi, but invert their colors! Now they’re totally new characters! And it doesn’t matter, because nobody in this fucking comic possesses a true personality anyway.
This comic goes beyond illogic—it perfects it. Inverted Mario—Sorry, Inverter Mario—magically makes fireballs float in front of him for a duration of time, Mario jumps above Luigi’s head and warps Luigi behind him as he lands where Luigi was before—all without even touching those fireballs. That’s some maneuvering, Mario. Unfortunately, Inverted Mario actually remembered that he was supposed to throw those fireballs, and throws some of them (while the others remain floating above their heads), which upon impacting Mario causes more shitty gray MS Paint spray paint. This is something Dadaists would think is retarded.
Photoshop wishes it could do graphical effects of this caliber.
Fun tip: Being able to read the dialogue is important. So is not including irrelevant, pointless plots to your already plot-less comic.
No explanation is given as to why Toad is Tom’s minion. And why the fuck is Luigi going “Hhhhh…”? What the hell does “Hhhhh…” mean? And I haven’t even mentioned yet how stupid it is that Luigi just had to jump on his head, which doesn’t even do anything except make him whine like a bitch.
Did Pikachu just develop the power to telekinetically make the floor below Tom disappear? You should have expected a shitty-ass ending such as this.
What a fucking climax, huh. Was English my second language and I just forgot after all of this time? Because “Every things been explained” sounds like Engrish. Also, apparently Inverted Luigi ended up in the fourth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, Turtles in Time. Actually, if you could read Inverted Luigi’s obscured dialogue, it says that he’s in “Newyork”. Also, I find it hard to believe that falling that far a height only leads to a bloody eye—especially when you landed on your… arm? It actually looks like he’s floating there. Does everyone have psychic abilities in this damn comic?
So there you have it. Nintendo JJW Sprite Comics are the epitome of shit and “Nintendo JJW” is a terrible title to give one’s self.
There are two reasons why I chose my own sprite comics to mock. First, like I said earlier, to show that I have created sprite comics (a shit-load more than this, too). Another reason, I guess, is to humble myself. This way if anyone gets bitchy about mocking their sprite comic, just remember this inexcusable proof that I am no better.
-JJW Mezun (Originally Published: December 19, 2009)