Gamers Mega Twist

Introduction and shoot the duck!

Issue #1: Introduction and stupid nonsequitur.

Beautiful useless intro page, rendered in JPEG’s sparkling blurry glory. We’re in for a fun ride, guys!

Those Toads are so excited about these fuckers leaving that some of them have resorted to stepping on other Toads’ faces, which cannot be safe.

Instead of lampshading your own laziness for not being able to think up a reason for Toadsworth not going with them, maybe you should question why his body grew about a foot more than he usually appears. Do Toads have growth spurts at 85?

I love this: “Sonic and his party dont [sic] plan to go anywhere. Just have another day.” Yup, they’re just going to stand there and exist for another day. Actually, Cream on the right looks like she’s going somewhere—she’s about to fall right off of that cliff. And besides, if they’re not doing anything important, why is Sonic having a party? That doesn’t sound like just having another day.

Oh, and don’t bother trying to tell me that every character has their own unique personality; I ain’t falling for it. I know enough about sprite comics—especially those made by someone who can’t even tell the difference between a GIF and a JPEG—to know that they almost never have memorable characters.

I didn’t know a forest was in the skies of Pop Star.

Also, maybe Kirby and Meta Knight could “discover about” how to use English correctly; and maybe find out who stole Whispy Woods’s fucking face.

Jesus, this comic is so boring that even Yoshi is yawning.

Knuckles is training for the 2012 Olympics.

Run, Knuckles, run!

Seriously, fuck this shit; we get the god damn point. Hey, how about you put some of these panels in the same page so I don’t have to load a new page fifty thousand times, asshole.

“Crab pinched my ass!”

Meanwhile, in another world, Shadow’s ass is also pinched by a crab, while Luigi prays to the magical exclamation mark gods floating above Shadow and Luigi.

And then… the bridge melts into liquid, I guess. No reason given.

Padding Time!

Meanwhile, in another another world, Meta Knight impales Amy’s ass while Kirby sleeps face-forward in the snow, somehow not dying of frostbite.

Already fourteen comics in and still nothing has happened, except a bunch of random video game characters getting their asses attacked. Maybe Smigel has some sort of fetish.

I would be that shocked, too, if my head was inside of the ceiling.

Go, Shroomish! Use entertainment! Shroomish missed!

I wonder how long it took Smigel to write this. Was the entire script just “Everyone stands still.”? Well, I sure hope he won a fucking Eisner for this writing; it’s so inspiring!

“Hope you enjoyed watching those people stand around, jump, and fall.”

Issue #2: Confuzzlation

You know an “issue” will be good when it’s named after a nonexistent word.

Rouge: “Stop making these pointless introductions!” Or should I say “introducts”?

This time “Im” missing his apostrophe! Nice dialogue boxes, by the way. It would have been a shame if you figured out how to draw a fucking tail. Or, you know, if I could fucking read Eggman’s bright-ass dialogue without screwing up my eyes.

I’m with Sonic here: I’m falling asleep, too.

She’ll get there sometime this century.

This is the equivalent of watching a cartoon frame by frame. I’ve heard of slow-motion, but this is ridiculous.

She brings out the hammer, and then puts it right away, opting to slam right into the yellow ball being shot at her instead. Sounds like a good plan, guys!

That’s what happens when you ram into bullets, dumb shit.

“Quick! Let’s run straight into a giant robot! Maybe we’ll be able to bore it to death with our slow movements!”

This is so exciting. I can hardly contain myself.

Fucking do something interesting, for god’s sake.

He’ll hit the ground sometime this century, I guess.

Tails: “Here, Shadow: maybe if I anal rape you it will help!”

Nobody involved with this comic in any way can win.

That instant, Sonic and his “party” teleported away (and I can’t blame them for wanting to leave this comic), and Mario and Luigi jump in. Do you think Smigel will ever give any context to any of this, such as why Mario and Luigi would fight against a giant robot attacking Sonic characters? You can bet your ass he won’t.

We return to “Drunken Paraplegic Battle Theater”.

This

is

fucking

slow

and

boring.

Please

do

something

interesting.

Grade-A dialogue right here. Gotta love Link’s awesome comebacks, such as “Look in the mirror to see weird” and “You egg monster!” I’m also glad he took the effort to use more than one exclamation mark at the end; one just wouldn’t have been adequate.

Look at that amazing action! Is this supposed to be thrilling? Because I think “unintentionally hilarious” is a more accurate description for this comic.

“Damn it! The author keeps pasting in random sprites!”

“I’ll show them! I’ll glow neon pink as if I came from a disco club!” Terrifying villain.

Could Smigel only afford to pay Brendan to appear in two scenes? In fact, maybe that’s why everything in this comic looks like ass: he was working under a tight budget.

He seemed to miss the part where Yoshi actually threw the egg.

Smigel’s budget problems make Eggman’s job easier again. Does Eggman have some ray gun that makes people disappear?

Don’t worry! Sonic’s legless torso will fly towards Eggman’s machine; hopefully to paint it a less tacky color than what it has now.

Go, Sonic! Use your “Rubber Band Transformation Technique!” Honestly, how did Smigel figure out how to make these spectacular special effects?

“I’ll just leave this big pile of ice shit in the forest.”

Maybe those people who said “Yay!” don’t understand English very well. I don’t know why else they would cheer torture such as being in this comic.

Rouge: “God damn it! You ruined our chance to end this comic, Knuckles, you bastard!”

Issue #3: Dig it

…deep into the ground, and never dig it back up.

Sorry, Shadow, but I find anyone who wastes an entire page (which is admittedly only a panel-long each time, because the author’s a dumb shit) to be deserving the opposite of love.

Fuck breaking the fourth wall: Shadow’s breaking his own god damn word bubble. Always the best way to begin an episode.

“Now I just wander around after them damn Mexicans stole mah job! It’s like a terribly forced title drop: you know, one so bad that the author doesn’t even portray the title consistently. It’s all because the writing’s being done by one of them damn immigrants, you know!”

“Now, excuse me while I stick my foot forward for a couple seconds: the amount of time the average reader will have to spend looking at this insipid panel while the next one loads.”

“But I… am… really… slow.”

“GAH! This comic’s terrible! Just look: he even saved the plain white text on the plain white background as a JPEG! There’s fruity rainbow pixels all over!”

“Help! I fell in a big oval of shit! Augh. This is so gross!”

“And it’s coming from those legs sticking out of the ground. That’s some strange wind.”

“I’m so offended by this wind that I’m running away. Fuck this noise.”

“Shadow! I learned how to do your stupid ‘Leg-Forward’ dance! Look! Shadow? I don’t know if you can hear me or not; I’m yelling, but the exclamation marks keep falling out of my word bubble!”

Liar! You said it was a cake; now it’s suddenly a cupcake? I’d be glad he didn’t see you in that excrement, Shadow: what he was going to do to you, I’m sure, would be much worse.

These guys must be blind. How can you not notice that tacky brown MS Paint oval with Shadow’s legs sticking out? It stands out pretty well.

And just in case you weren’t completely convinced that Tails was leaving, let’s just show you another panel of him a little to the left, doing nothing. I don’t think this guy knows how comics work.

You know, I’ve noticed that characters keep yawning in this comic. Maybe even the author realized how boring this shit is.

I must admit, this is probably the first time I’ve actually empathized with a sprite comic protagonist: I want someone to rescue him already, too, so we can end this stupid issue.

“Nooo! Zeeelda! Not another pointless panel of someone walking! They’re so tedious!”

So’s this comic.

Meanwhile… in a shittily optimized image…

I’m so glad that the author made sure to inform us on this very pertinent “Rouge eats Shadow’s cupcake” subplot; it really needed be told.

Link: “Stop making that stupid expression!”

-J.J.W. Mezun

(Published: June 28, 2011)

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About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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