Ansem Retort (Archive)

I learned about this webcomic from a page it has on TVTropes, which was almost certainly written by the author himself, since I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone else giving two shits about this comic.

From the looks of its lovely page, our target is one of those edgy comics that just use random violence as a veneer for humor. Just can’t wait!

And for extra fun, I’ve decided to use its great “Random Comic” function. Now, some may argue that it is unfair to judge his comic on a random sample, but if the author didn’t want people to read his comic in a random order, then said author shouldn’t have been dumb enough to make a “Random Comic” button.


He must have a huge, powdered foot to make that big white footprint, unless there’s some invisible, powdered foot monster in there with him. Better check this random yellow square. What cursed omen is this? Oh, it’s just MS Paint vomit passed as a “joke”. I would love to know why the guard would go through the whole trouble of crapping that up in MS Paint and printing it out for him; he could have just wrote the message down with a pen or something—or at least use the text function to make legible text. Jesus, how stupid is this guard?


Nice stick arms, honey. Nice of you to include the lead singer from Van Halen, even though he’s all the way in New York City.

Let’s just summon half-assed references to other works as a fill-in for authentic jokes. I have the power of… shitty random humor!


“Yo, yo, yo; what’s happenin’ in the hood, mothafucka?”

“I just wrote some shitty emo poetry.”

He got his driver’s license. Get it? He’s doing things that average people do. Ho, shit, Duke, you are really digging deep for that joke. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without another random reference to pop culture. Truly The Simpsons of sprite comics.


Panel One: Make sure you lampshade (speaking of TVtropes…) every instant of triteness so you can magically turn it into a joke—works every time. Well, except this time. By the way, who the hell would admit that they have a large ego like that? “I love you, but my proud personality makes it to where I am not comfortable admitting it.” This is not how you develop characterization, and I have a book to back me up on that case.

Panel Two: Either that’s a stupid reference from some stupid source or it’s some stupid attempt at random humor. Either way, it’s stupid.

Panels Three and Four: Okay, Duke has redeemed himself with this joke: Actually competent satire.


Did he really plot this? Kill a corporate president to end a demon invasion? And then the joke is that the demons are partying and boozing. You can’t get more cliché than that joke. He might as well have characterized the demons as complete pussies (wouldn’t that be ironic? Seriously, though; it took hours to come up with that).


Whoever you’re chasing may have stopped teleporting, but freaky-ass lion sure hasn’t, if the abrupt change in scenery between panels one and two are any evidence.

Let’s see… A. Impossible choice, since I’m getting a hint that nothing Duke can write would be witty. B. Offer shitty misogyny jokes. C. Forget how to use an apostrophe. D. USE OBNOXIOUS ALL-CAPS!


Hasn’t everyone already made fun of this soap opera cliché? You know, it gets stupefying when parodies of clichés become clichés themselves. All he added was a Junior reference—yes, I did get that joke in panel three.

I would actually forgive him, if not for the terrible punchline (what’s with these people and having terrible punchlines? They’re the most important part of the joke, for God’s sake.) It’s just some guy saying something mean and then a pointless “fuck you”, as if we couldn’t already guess that she would not be happy with this. Cursing someone isn’t a punchlines; it’s just a waste of readers’ time, and dilutes the true punchline, which is terrible in this case anyway. Shit, this panel is even aesthetically shitty. Nice white, empty void they reside in, Duke. Would it have killed you to take a few minutes to Google a random video game background? It’s not like you hand-paint them. I would also recommend that whoever drew the woman never touch a mouse again, for fear that he may assault more eyes with his insidious work.


Wasn’t she the lady that died in Final Fantasy VII (don’t give me that “spoilers” shit; I haven’t played the game either. Well, unless you count playing up to the first boss at the age of eight.)? You know, for “total lunatics” those people look pretty calm and normal for me. Aerith shouldn’t be so God damn snotty and be happy that she was magically brought to life. Shit, since this is supposed to be FOX this show will probably be cancelled in a year anyway. And then her only hope is that their show becomes popular on Adult Swim and is Uncanceled, only to degenerate into shitty-ass pro-Liberal propaganda.


I don’t know what that pumpkin in the background is laughing about, since nothing about this comic is funny. Maybe it’s the fact that Duke cannot figure out the correct number of exclamation marks to use, maybe it’s because Duke thought having a character say curse words constituted a joke. I don’t know how else that last panel could possibly be construed as humorous. Shit, he could have at least used “possessed” instead of “haunted”; then we could have made sexual jokes off of it. Oh wait, he’s the not-gay Casper, as opposed to Casper, who was a huge fan of sodomy.


Rule #57 of the “Book of Lazy Comic Writing”: Have characters spout random, childish drivel. I’m sure people who would dress in black coats like that would act that childi… actually, that’s probably how Duke dresses, now that I think about it. Are they getting ready for their witch covenant, or are they forming their own “Long-Coat” club in memory of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold?


My favorite comics are the ones where there is no relevance between any of the panels, making one question if it is truly even sequential art or just a bunch of pictures put next to each other. This comic brought to you by random bullshit and incomplete sentences. “What does this word ‘is” mean again?”


I agree with Anime reject in his Matrix-wannabe long-coat; this conversation is useless, so don’t include it.

Wait, wait, wait… “Hobocaust”? As in a holocaust against hobos instead of Jews? Do I even need to comment on that?


Who dressed these people? We have another DBZ reject in Matrix uniform, Trunks in clown pants, and the bastard child of Square hair and Disney clothes.


You’re a past participle! Oh, Jesus, a “Twilight fans are retards” joke. That must have taken years to come up with. I’m not even defending the fucking movie; I’m just saying as a joke it’s overused and not really funny, actually. I mean, what’s funny about a movie sucking? I mean just the idea that a movie sucks? That’s not funny in itself. And as a commentary, it sucks, too. He doesn’t even explain how the movie is terrible—he just simply says that it is. Shit, if he could do that for humor then I should be able to just type “Ansem Retort sucks” as every commentary. Wouldn’t that just be a knee-slapper the thirty times you read it?


Sometimes you just have to kneel in front of a green waterfall (that water must be pretty diseased) and just release all of your inner thoughts through big white boxes above you.

You know, Duke’s used the F-word in this comic, so why does he censor it here? Or is he literally saying “Get out of the percent sign, dollar sign, pound sign, at sign, circumflex accent, ampersand abyss!”?


Do you have any idea how to use the correct version of your/you’re, key boy? Maybe you kids wouldn’t have this problem, nor the background problem, if you didn’t take so much LSD.


His punchline was raping Disney characters. His punchline was raping Disney characters. What’s next? Anal rape for Simba? Would show him who a real predator is, that’s for sure.


Random political references, the apex of comedy. This is like Hitler buttfucking Stalin and jizzing luftwatts all over Britain… Oh, wait…


Scooby-Doo references with the worst-looking Velma, Daphne, and Fred sprites ever? I think Ansem Retort just went platinum!


Tell me, what real TV station would hire someone who looks like that as their producer? He doesn’t belong as an executive of FOX; he belongs on fucking Yugioh.

And what’s with people and these long coats. You’re not Neo, for God’s sake. Take your witch Halloween costume back to the store, quit your Matrix cosplaying, and get back to your job, sir… which is apparently harassing TV station producers.


Is she talking to her schizophrenic self or does she have an invisible phone, which just floats near her ear? Good thing Duke distracted us with two more Matrix-cosplaying anime rejects fighting over stupid shit and acting like pussy douche bags. I’m sure this comic had a lot of significance to the over-arching plot, too. Fucking doll collections.


Us two giants must meet together in Blurry Castle to plan.

Nobody’s joking, little girl cosplaying as Wilma Flintstone; someone might laugh if that happened, which Duke wouldn’t desire.


I’m sure this is very interesting plot development to a story that is just riveting. I would love to know how flame-hair there’s love of murder is so strong that he can warp all of those other people right in front of him, and make the first one disappear, all so quickly.


See that in the background? That’s where this comic belongs. Right there in the over-blurred garbage. Seriously, why does everyone thing they have to blur the shit out of backgrounds? So they won’t look at them? Kind of makes having a background in the first place pointless if they can’t even look at them for more than a couple seconds without eye damage.


Wow, this is just a clusterfuck of ass. Allright! We’ve got misspellings! Great. And then the villain remembers that he forgot to do something that average people do, ho shit that’s hilarious. And irrelevant to the story. I mean, why would anyone think that at that time? Next there’s random bullshit, something I guess every terrible sprite comic cannot go without, even though I dearly wish they did. Finally we have someone calling for random violence as the punchline. I’ve noticed that sociopathy seems like a popular character trait for humor sprite comics. I’m… I’m not exactly sure why. But I’m sure you’ll laugh will me in merriment as we watch our next protagonist shove a knife into his friend’s bleeding stomach.


Fat jokes, the golden material. They’re heroes doing some stupid bullshit and now they’re standing around pissing off some guy who could easily fuck them over later in the story? Why not make a Spider-Man comic where Spider-Man stops on his way to saving Mary Jane from whatever villain he hates to make fun of a gay pride march? Because Spider-Man has better fucking things to do, that’s why. Then again, these are Matrix-cosplaying anime wannabes who are harassing a TV station, so maybe they don’t have better things to do.


Popular franchise protagonist who’s dumber than dog shit and gets into “wacky” hijinks? I smell Bob and George‘s dirty influence seeping its way into this.

And who the hell paints their walls like that? What, did the owner have three colors in mind and he just couldn’t pick between them, so he found a way to use all three?


I don’t remember Darth Maul being Square-Enix or Disney property, and this is smelling dangerously like a hackneyed Star Wars reference. Okay, at least the motherfucker didn’t have “Luke, I am your father”… well, I guess it’s too soon to judge that.

That ice temple must be a pretty popular hang-out spot for these people.


“Who let the midgets from Final Fantasy into my blurry cake shop?” Hey, Duke, if you’re going to blur the background, this should only include the background, particularly the type that is far away. It should not include that table—or whatever that blurry mess is supposed to be—which is, by the way, closer than the other characters.


Nobody going to comment on how Goldilocks’ knife can also apparently make someone a flat silhouette after stabbing someone? That seems pretty significant. And strange.

-JJW Mezun (August 6, 2010)


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