Angel Warrior Comics (Updated)

So, I’ve heard from two sources that this is the worst sprite comic in all creation. Keep in mind that this is the same medium that houses the likes of Motherfuckin’ Mario, Bowser’s Plan B, and Kirby’s Fan Mail. To be the worst would mean that this comic must be terrible in ways unimaginable. It would take the Satan swine himself to conjure up his dark magic to find such mind-twisting innovations in the art of creating bad sprite comics.

Let’s check it out!

#01

Wow. They weren’t kidding when they said this comic was shit. This deserves to be framed and immortalized into some kind of shrine for the entire world to see its consummate incompetence.

This comic has it all: author appearing as shitty Mega Man recolor (as well as being sewed together with another Mega Man sprite like Martin was Josef Mengele, appearing not unlike the dreaded Pikaman); no background, save two mind-numbingly banal rectangles of gray; talking about starting a comic instead of actually starting a comic; giant, redundant title (which isn’t even very visually pleasing); random bullshit like “patent pending, batteries not included” and everything Martin says in panel two; and, finally, praising his own work. Ooo, boy. Better get those cyanide pills ready.

#02

Ugh. That clicking sound you heard in your head was your brain getting ready to shoot itself when it saw this completely unexplored topic of authors appearing in their own comics. Yes, brains can obtain and operate guns.

Now, sure, this comic was made in 2002; but that still doesn’t excuse it. The second Bob & George did it, it was already done, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Martin here doesn’t do anything new with this topic. Besides, even Dave Anez admitted that putting the author in B&G was probably a mistake.

What can you say about this comic? That with its ludicrously tacky recolored sprites and story of an author inserting himself so he can show his dominance over fictional characters it has become a terrible parody of itself within its second strip? That its text has become smaller, while the comic itself is quite big? That its text, its boxes, its tails, and really just everything in this comic in general look painfully gaudy? Yes, I think we can say all of these things.

#03

The pain only digs deeper.

Okay, so every joke could have been predicted centuries ago. And so what if we’re loaded on a crap-track train to WACKINESS that will make any reader wish they were the ones tied to the tracks, instead? And who cares if the web design is a clumsy jumble of shit put in places no competent person would put them?

I do, god damn it.

#04

Panel One: Yes, cardboard author avatar, you can cut people with feathers.

Panel Two: “And back during WWI, which was called the ‘Great War’ back then, even though it wasn’t really that great, we talked about a bunch of random bullshit that had no relevance to the comic. See, we just started using the term ‘bullshit’ back then, because before that we always used the term ‘cowshit’, but it was deemed racially insensitive back then, on account of the cows successfully striking…”

Panel Three: “I love everyone!… except those damn lesbians!”

Panel Four: “am [sic] I the only sane person left?” Not if you’re being written by Martin, no.

By the way, I’m glad the author felt the need to shove this bio crap in the archives, instead of crafting up a handy “about” page, like every sane author does. I would also warn you not to read any of the bio crap. For one, who gives a shit about how much each character won’t shut their traps? For two, its inanity is strong enough to kill.

#05

I wish someone would put an arrow above my head that said “*Shooting self in the mouth*”. I always wondered why famous cartoonists such as Schulz or Watterson never used this brilliant technique to show what their characters were doing.

I’m not quite sure why the author would choose to write random conversational bullshit, and then admit that it was useless.

Oh, and by the way, thank you for telling me that your punchline was funny, Bass. The fact that it made no sense to me almost made me think it wasn’t funny at all. What is the joke supposed to be, anyway? That females are stupid? Smart? You need to learn to explain your sexist jokes, Martin, so I can adjust how offended I become.

#06

What the fuck is this stupid-ass shit?

#07

Panel One: “why me? WHY!?” was the exact thought I had in my mind. Well, except it was actually grammatically correct.

Panel Two: No, I think you were right when you just said “I have nothing to say”.

Panel Three: Well, there’s another checkbox to check off of the “Sprite Comic Clichés List”.

Panel Four: What more could someone want? Characters that aren’t half-assed clichés, please.

I am glad that the author painted this comic in excrement brown. Not only does it make it a pain to read, but it also provides a keen reminder as to the quality of itself. I would say that this comic was done badly on purpose, as some ill-begotten parody, but that would actually make it even worse.

#08

New rule: don’t introduce new characters until you figure out how to make the forty million characters you already introduced memorable in some way. God, it’s like Martin’s a greedy kid, always wanting new toys while never touching the toys he already has. Then again, considering how terribly plastic his other characters are, I can’t be surprised he wants new ones. The only problem is that all of these are even more plastic.

Luckily, the final panel seems to indicate that the author’s quitting. Yes, I know there are technically many more pages (oh so many… *shiver*), but, god damn it, let me have some kind of temporary peace. Please.

#09

Oh no. The character I don’t give two shits about is going to hurt the two characters I don’t recognize or give two shits about. Suspenseful.

Okay, enough with the fucking fourth-wall breaking shit. It’s stupid. Just god damn stupid.

#10

Martin and “BIT`” beat him already? When the hell did that happen? When I was up getting coffee?

Um… any explanation for how the bald freak now has authorial powers? No? So now, apparently, characters can randomly do anything without explanation or any kind of plot or story structure?

Where did I put that cyanide pill again?

#11

What is this comic about? Boy, well isn’t that the fucking question of the day.

The last panel does its best of showing just how ridiculous all of this bullshit is: “Oh no! Don’t tell me some random bullshit is happening!”

“No, worse! Some other random bullshit is happening!”

#12

Martin doesn’t like writing funny jokes.

Every single solitary attempt at a joke made in this page is a desperate cry for help, begging you to laugh, oh please, laugh. But, of course, you don’t laugh, because it is less funny than the WWII bombing of London.

#13

“this [sic] is bad aint [sic again] it?” “yup [sic again]” No truer words have been typed.

“Watch out for Random Key Combination’s pink oval of doom!”

“Don’t worry: my red circle of death will subdue him!”

“do I have to explain?” No, but you do have to use the fucking Shift key for once.

#14

Oh, look. The author used his “Semi-Author” powers (who does he share authorialship with? His ass?) to make the villain disappear. That’s really clever the millions of times it was already done. It’s also really exciting. Think of all of that tension and conflict we could have had to deal with! I would have said that it might have had a chance to entertain us, but we all know deep down that that’s a blatant lie.

#15

I always wanted to see how four imaginary RPG characters’ stats look. Thanks, Martin.

I also wanted to see a lame level-up joke done much better in RPG World.

And who’s talking down there? The fucking floor? All of these characters need their heads checked (especially the author).

#16

No! Not Percentage Ampersand Caret Pound! Anyone but him!

You know, trying to read this has lead me to realize how deep Martin’s incompetence when it comes to the sequential arts is. Notice in the first panel how the guy with the gray stick interrupts his speech to return to a subject he never brought up? Notice in the second panel how the character asks “whatcha gunna [sic] do? tickle [sic] me to death?” when Pinky from Pac-Man is already being shot at him? Funny, this could have been avoided if he split up the second panel into two separate panels.

But if you were afraid the sequential incompetence ended here, you’re wrong. Next, what I remember being the author’s character (he must be the other semi-author… so does Martin have a split personality disorder or something?) is a Pikachu, without Pinky actually making it to the other side. And then he’s magically in a Pokéball, with baldy nowhere in sight. No explanation is given for these phenomena.

#17

Okay, first, how the fuck did he just turn that winged asshole back? He just stood there. What, does he have some mental beams we can’t see? You could at least show some movement so we can think he’s doing something.

Second, what was the point in this whole Pikachu-transformation subplot? He’s turned into a Pikachu only to be turned back the next instant, without any complications or tension? Why bother bringing up the event then? You could have cut this whole part out and it wouldn’t have affected a thing. In fact, you could cut everything from this comic, since every occurrence is just plain random. Is a coherent plot too much to ask for?

#18

Okay, first of all, I feel really sorry for Protoman and all of the humiliation Martin put him through with this recolor. He makes Bibleman look dignified.

Second, what the hell is he standing on? Nothing. He’s fucking floating, I guess. In fact, so is that little twerp later in the comic. This could have been avoided if Martin moved his characters down a little bit, but that might require the simplest knowledge of perspective ever. I mean, come on, how do you not notice that? You have to be completely apathetic to let that shit slide by.

Oh wait… it gets worse. First, every stupid syllable uttered out of their tacky, floating text boxes is copied from earlier comics, or just plain cheesy. “Ha! You think I can be beaten! Not by anyone standing right behind me quite ironically! Ha!”

Second, the doofus on the right’s energy ball is badly resized, making this comic’s failure complete.

#19

I never thought a sprite comic could make Neglected Characters Comix look good, but god damn. I mean, look, he couldn’t even copy and paste his red circles in that first panel so they’d be congruent. And look at how that beam in panel two just cuts off randomly, to make room for doofus’s beam ball, which is once again resized wrong.

Oh, and I love how the final panel won’t show the next panel because it’s too violent (speaking of NC, now he’s ripping them off.), yet he shows the background (or the lazy excuse for a background). And unlike the NC version, which covers where the characters would be, this one leaves holes where the characters would still be, meaning that they vanished. Man, when Jay Resop has a better understanding of visual organization, I think it’s time to give up. For god’s sake, he often has his characters float, too.

#20

I honestly cannot believe this is not some ill-perceived attempt at parody. But even then it doesn’t work, because even the stupidest of sprite comic creators wouldn’t resort to such an obvious deus ex machina.

Just marvel at the raw redundancy in those “*ran [sic] dies*”, “*still dead*”, and “*alive again*”s. You also forgot to mention “*ran stands still*”, “*ran looks at other characters*”, and the vital, “*ran breathes oxygen*”. It’s too bad there aren’t already images there that can show exactly what’s happening.

And I swear, If I hear one more sprite comic character say some variant of “why am I in this comic again?” there’s going to be some serious problems.

And let’s not even get into the sad excuse for nerd lingo at the bottom. I love it, because it tries to sound cool, but is in fact unbearably hammy and embarrassing. I would rather be caught pissing my pants like that asshole Cat Top than take responsibility for that line.

#21

News tip, Martin: you already did do something immeasurably stupid. In fact you’re still doing stupid things. I can’t even remember a point in this comic’s writing when some stupid decision wasn’t being made.

For instance, right now you’re starting your comic with a wall of text spouting out text which belongs in a blog. That’s amazingly stupid.

Another tip: it’s a bad sign when the most significant characterization a character has is from events which occurred off-screen. Then again, I must consider that the majority of the events which have occurred on-screen are characters throwing MS Paint shapes at each other and magically disappearing.

This comic has gotten to the point where the author just churns this shit out bitterly and then apologizes profusely every chance he can get, presumably because he has no ideas, and knows such, and simply doesn’t realize that not creating a comic, or at least not publishing it, is an option. It’s like that assignment you had in writing class where you had to write for ten minutes anything that comes to your mind, never pausing. It’s a great way to generate ideas, but should never, ever, be released onto humanity’s retinas.

#22

When you consider that all of the characters look similar, this guy’s gonna have a long day.

#23

See, the art of making onomatopoeia is that it actually exists, and it isn’t practically a paragraph long. Besides, how exactly would “slightly miffed sliding” even sound? I didn’t even know sliding could be annoyed, much less the sound of sliding.

Also, purple lady reveals the true enormity that is Martin’s font choice.

#24

You know, his dialogue depiction is so bad I can’t even remember if he already had those half-assed lines connecting speaker to dialogue, or if that is actually some kind of improvement. No, no, no—the thought of there being a worse set-up is too frightening to handle.

This kind of fourth-wall breaking bullshit is really driving on my nerves, if only because it makes no sense. It’s like this universe works in a totally different set of rules this human world dwells under, except Martin had to rush at break-neck speed so fast that he didn’t bother to explain why or how any of these events occur. They just happen, and then unhappen just like that, until another nonevent happens so it can be forgotten about in five pages.

#25

Thank you for that long-winded soliloquy so that I can know all that happened within the previous few comics of nothing happening. No seriously, those comics were so boring there was no chance I could have paid attention to what was going on.

Oh no, not him! We might have to instantly make him appear using our fourth-wall breaking deus ex machina bullshit again!

And was that last panel really necessary? You know, simply breaking the fourth wall doesn’t create humor; you still have to make actual jokes with it. Nor does it create suspense (for starters, because nobody could give a rat’s ass what will happen next), because we could already guess such a thing from the previous statement.

#26

For all this talk about deletion and files, I have yet to see a single computer. Hell, I’ve yet to see any technology at all—simply that same neon green grass that would never been seen in reality, coupled with dull baby blue sky; all beautifully rendered in graphics the Atari 2600 could beat.

I might also add that sexist jokes are the epitome of great humor. “I can’t do anything when I have a vagina! I’ll get all emotional and stay in the kitchen all afternoon!”

#27

“Why don’t you answer me, thin air?”

Yeah, I should’ve known some random bullshit would pop up for no logical reason, too.

Okay, how the hell can your memories, personality, all of those parts of your brain travel to that other person’s body, but not your phobias, which would also obviously be controlled by your brain. I mean, it’s not like they’re controlled by your fucking spleen. I guess they’re data, but still, why wouldn’t their phobias travel with them when all data associated with them do? It makes no god damn sense.

“Doesn’t this ALWAYS happen?”? Martin’s subconsciously telling himself how cliché his fucking punchline was.

#28

This comic literally takes a good joke Bob and George made, and then beat you over the fucking face with it repeatedly. Martin is subtle like a brick thrown at your face, and imagines that his readers have just learned to read.

Oh shit. Never mind: he outright admits that he ripped this joke off. Wow. At least he’s honest. And yet that makes it worse, since he knowingly made an uncreative joke, believing that it would somehow be palatable.

#29

I always thought the whole “anger vein” was supposed to be on their head, not three feet behind it. I mean the incompetence is astounding. You have to try to fuck up this badly.

And your stupid self-deprecation joke to excuse your complete lack of background quality doesn’t have me convinced. I mean, there is no logical reason why that big black rectangle (which is supposed to be the machine, I guess) is colored red like that. Even being too lazy to draw the machine would have made more sense and would have been a little funnier.

#30

“i [sic] hate you guys” has got to be the worst punchline ever. I don’t think it can ever be used competently. The fact that those two final panels are just a three-step routine that anyone could see a mile away doesn’t help the joke much, either.

#31

The confusing point of this whole plot—well, other than why it is being told at all—is that if Sigma can just mind control any woman to be his sex slave (you have no idea how much dignity I lost typing that), why does he pick one that hardly looks different from a man. Actually, don’t tell me, please. I would rather keep Sigma’s fetishes a closely covered secret.

Ph33r the lame-ass attempt at being cool!

#32

You know, I have to admit: Sigma’s body language in panel three does make me legitimately scared as to what he plans to do with Slider’s vulnerable body.

#33

You know, I just noticed that sometimes the grass has a black line over it, and sometimes it doesn’t. I feel these kind of subtle touches really make Angel Warrior Comics the magnum opus that it is.

#34

This dialogue is unbelievably bad. “Oh no. Well, I guess I’m probably gonna die in stuff. I’d better say some wacky lines for some forced laughter!”

And what is with that black trapezoid looming behind that winged dipshit, anyway?

#35

Oh, look: another boring RPG battle with piss-poor special effects. Now we’re becoming Pokémon-X. Actually, even that comic was lightyears ahead of this one.

This dialogue must have been translated from Japanese by the same people who translated Ghosts ‘n Goblins for the NES.

#36

No! Not a sky-colored beam! Anything but that!

Oh, look, another character defeated by doing nothing at all. Don’t worry, though: they’ll stop this vile Sigma soon when they sit on their asses and burp him away.

#37

I love comics which are ninety percent text. Luckily, there’s no shortage of large empty space, too. So you get the worst of both worlds, basically.

The deus ex machinas keep on coming. And so do the shitty lampshade hangings. Yeah, hanging like quality hanging on a fucking noose.

I mean, come on! Lucia kills everyone in one comic, off-screen of all places! (Though I guess I should be thankful, as it saved me more boring battles.) But we knew that couldn’t be the end of the comic, because that would be too god damn merciful. So, wait! Now it turns out that Martin made a sprite while no one was looking, without any foreshadowing whatsoever, and now it’s magically released with no explanation other than it was “mass destruction”. And then, in case we’re too dumb to notice, he flauntingly tells us directly that his idea is stupid (then why did you use it?) so he can tell… whatever the fuck kind of joke that was supposed to be.

Oh, and while we’re on that stupid punchline, it’s pacing is terrible, too. “Grr, this is stupid! What, I’m fired? Yes! I hate this job! What, you fucked my wife? Grr, I’ll kill you!” All in one panel. Wow, that’s some fast emotion changes there, buddy.

#38

This dialogue is the equivalent of a ten-year-old fighting his action figures against each other, and about as clever as the comebacks you’d find on online forums.

And what is with sprite comic creators and these laughable attempts to sound cool? “Havoc”! “Commander Chaos!” This isn’t a Saturday morning cartoon.

#39

I love how the episode title at the bottom sums up the whole comic, and yet with all of the hilariously bad, lazy dialogue removed.

#40

That… actually doesn’t explain anything, whatsoever. In fact, this raises even more questions. Luckily, we won’t be bogged down in all of those boring explanations, and get to the action… Well, we’ll get to see more blindingly bright beams, at least!

Also, no explanation is given for why the original “Havoc” is black, and is feeling pain. Although his last line might just be the typical reaction of anyone whose read this plotline.

#41

Three panels of waste, and one panel of more bright beams. Congratulations.

Also, “*girly in pain scream*”? From this point, I wonder if Martin is, like, seven or something, but then with the other calling her a stupid bitch, I find that questionable. So the alternative, I guess, is that he’s just misogynist.

#42

Okay, since when did Lucia have free will again? Was this plot point just not important enough to depict, or did Martin just forget about this little detail from ten pages ago.

By the way, our deus ex machina count is up to five now, I believe.

#43

What the hell is up with that punchline?

“Where’s my sister’s body?”

”It’s fine. Now can I join your side?”

“Ph33r the insanity!”

“Erm… actually, I think I’ll change my mind.”

#44

(Only eight more comics… only eight more comics…)

Martin has obviously hit some new lows. Not only does he make stupid lampshade jokes, he makes stupid lampshade jokes based on these stupid lampshade jokes. How meta can you get before you realize how painfully derivative this all is?

Oh yeah, and how the hell can you still have someone’s thoughts left in your body? That makes no god damn sense. What, did he leave a back-up somewhere just in case she needed them?

#45

Ending, shitty style.

“ALEXBALLS”? That’s just rich!

This comic is just lazy. The joke trying to lampshade some triteness of Martin’s that has no context for it to make any sense? Lazy. The painfully lax punchline, which is literally just a paragraph of bullshit compacted in? Lazy. Still using that same god damn background god damn it if I have to see that same putrid rectangle of lime green and dull blue sky I’m gonna kill someone it makes me want to fucking puke everything I’ve eaten in the past week… Well, I think you get the point.

#46

This comic actually made we wish for a splash introduction. I don’t even know how that’s possible.

#47

Um, yes. Me. I have a question. Um, when can we stop this procrastination bullshit and get to the plot?

Oh, there isn’t going to be one? All a big lie? Oh…

#48

Maybe it’s because my standards have hit rock bottom, but… this page isn’t so bad. I mean, he changed the word boxes so they’d be roundish… which actually makes them uglier. And the joke, while not exactly original, can at least be objectively called a joke. And it’s well-paced, to… Wait a minute…

“Heres”? What the fuck are “heres” you didn’t even spell-check this stupid comic I’ll fucking kill you and your whole family you god damn waste of human fles…

I mean, you should try to check your spelling more often, Martin.

#49

Oh, look: a Sonic recolor. Now we’re really getting into some imaginative spriting.

“[Y]ou gotta be kidding me” sums up my feelings about the first panel precisely.

#50

I’m glad that Martin feels the need to introduce all of the future characters. That way we can avoid that nasty feeling of surprise that I always hate feeling when I read comics. Don’t forget to list all of the future plot points and how they will be resolved (probably by dragging the marquee tool over their picture and typing “delete”), too.

Where would we be without all of those old characters? Probably much better off.

And so will we: because, god damn it, we’re done with this bullshit.

In retrospect, this comic isn’t worse than, say, Motherfuckin’ Mario. But that’s an unfair comparison, because Motherfuckin’ Mario is barely a comic; it’s just a bunch of scatology depicted in the laziest way possible. Angel Warrior Comics actually attempts a plot, and sometimes tries to make jokes… and fails miserably.

But don’t worry: AWC is still going strong, and telling those random jokes we love so much! Some think this comic has ceased, but fuck you! (I bet you can’t defeat that brilliant comeback.) Martin has simply hit a snag and will be back soon. This message was told in 2003.

-J.J.W. Mezun

(Revised: June 23, 2011)

(Originally Published: April 3, 2011)

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About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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4 Responses to Angel Warrior Comics (Updated)

  1. Lucas says:

    I swear, I love your blog.
    Please make more. Please.

  2. chibikage89 says:

    Hey I’ve made some sprite comics, why don’t you check mine out.
    http://thespritecomics.blogspot.com/

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