The Poisonous Bros. Adventure, Chapter Three

I swear that this is either the last article I do for this comic or I’ll skip ahead to a much more interesting chapter. Trust me, the two chapters after this one are dull as all hell.

Wart’s New Helpers

I just noticed that even at this point I still didn’t know that “poisonus” was wrong. Yeah, that’s right: I didn’t even bother to check if the name of my main characters and one of my main series was correct.

Okay, so I go through the trouble of making an extra, much shittier warp effect in the previous comic; but for this strip I just draw five half-assed lines. What, did I blow my budget already?

New Years — 1988?

Not only was I too lazy to formulate even a basic joke, I was too lazy to even write correct English: “It’s the 1988!”? Clearly English is supposed to be a second language for Wart; that’s why Mario and them want him dead—they hate multiculturalism, the xenophobes.

Mario — Commander and Cheif

I’m actually pretty sure “Commander” is lower than “General.” If I were dishonest I would argue that, no, I totally did this on purpose—the joke is that Mario’s dumb, man! And this comic’s lack of humor is also meant to be a joke about how… um… Mario’s dumb!

Talking Take Out

Well, Luigi, I think it was especially dumb to take a lame joke and stretch it out even further by explaining it. “The audience might not get why I wrote about characters who are supposed to be doing one thing do some other, wacky thing… I’d better explain this especially obscure joke!”

Things Never Change

Yeah, neither do the jokes—they’re just the same idea repeated over and over again.

Mission: Burger King

I actually like the idea of this joke if it wasn’t implemented so terribly. Well, I guess the third panel’s wording isn’t too bad. Just put your hand over the fourth panel and this comic is actually pretty tolerable.

Mission: Bringing the Food

You can already guess that “Mission: (blank)” is going to be this chapter’s hilarious running gag. And yet I can only marvel that I‘d finally learned how colons and semicolons work.

See, the food have silly names. That’s actually supposed to make you laugh somehow.

Peach actually wasn’t watching Mario fight Bowser; she was nowhere in that scene; and if she was in Bowser’s castle then she must have been killed in the explosion, since she wasn’t flung with Mario and Luigi, nor was she with Bowser and the Poisonous Bros. among the debris. What, did the explosion warp her to safety?

Dawn of the Dumbasses

Oh, come on: Mario’s not even holding that rock; it’s floating between his fist and his nose.

The Powerful SMB2 Official Guide

Nintendo seemed to be pretty lazy about their official strategy guide covers: they’re all just the color green. I mean, they could have at least put the title on the cover. (I bet these were Prima guides.)

Hey, I Never Said He Was Smart

This comic is so bad it’s not even not a joke; it’s actually negative a joke—as in it ruins the joke of Kameoko being a lazy screw-up who cares more about making money than actually supporting his leader. And for what, for this brilliant punchline: “I have to work for this idiot in the future.” Like, the last panel is literally just the characters calling Kameoko an idiot twice, which is double the redundancy. Augh.

You know, I just noticed that the title calls Kameoko an idiot, too—so that’s triple the redundancy.

You Should’ve Known They’d Show Up

Oh, look, it’s those three characters I kept using even though none of them had compelling personalities. I hope you’re ready for more awkward attempts at black comedy/drama in which… uh, Joe!—yeah, Joe! (I couldn’t remember his forgettable name, sorry)—talks more about blowing up his high school or some angsty bullshit.

Panel One: And it starts so promising! Look, I even positioned the dialogue boxes wrong. Duh!

Panel Two: “Mario’s a dumbass dipstick!” (snickers) I recommend you just cover any instance of Joe talking with your hand; I promise that nothing captivating will ever be pointed towards his rightfully hidden face.

Panel Three: I made sure to shove in some half-assed attempt at character development in this one panel. As you can see, it works about as well as one would guess.

Panel Four: Brilliant reaction shots! I expect to put this on my resumé when I apply to Marvel.

Hey, Bob Was Right

How long until these three degenerates go away? I truly doubt I will be able to stomach them for too much longer.

(Snicker) “You’re PURPLE!” And then silence for the rest of the comic between those two Shy Guys. Nothing needed to be said after that.

The closest thing to a joke in this whole strip is Bob calling Wart “Emperor Gugini.” That’s frightening.

Gender Queries

Just to help distract us from the abomination that is this series for just a few merciful seconds, here is a fun little trivia fact I forgot about until now: Birdo’s “That’s as far as you go!” is actually from Super Mario Advance, part of its many hilariously awkward voice clips.

Okay, back to the atrocity:

So this strip is dedicated to making fun of some trivia surrounding the game, a rich source of gaming humor. (As you can see, I was on the cutting edge of gamer comics.) Actually, I don’t mind this strip so much (especially since those three other fuckwads aren’t in it), though Toad does seem to slip back into his native tongue there when he says that he votes for Mario “‘casue” he told him to.

Mario’s “Great” Plan

Okay, just cover the last panel—maybe even just Luigi and Birdo’s lines—and this strip is acceptable.

Mario, The Plumber and Toad Street

Panel One: I think Mario’s having either a seizure or a stroke if his face is any indication.

Panel Two: “I liked the part where you shutted up.” Maybe I shouldn’t have outsourced the writing duty for this comic.

Panel Three: Birdo: “Hey, audience, take a look at these crazy guys!”

Panel Four: Peach’s lack of movement throughout this entire strip shows that she’s made the apt decision to give up on life by this point; she literally could not keep up the will to keep her lungs breathing and her heart beating.

Mission: Get Jewel

My mission should have been to write jokes more interesting than “Ho, ho! Mario’s dumb!” I mean, dumb jokes are fine; but this one’s just weak:

Idiot: “Look, that thing is [some wacky random food object]!”

Nonidiot: [Calls character an idiot, explaining the whole fucking joke so fucking stupidly—god damn I’m sick of this bullshit!]

Idiot: [Pretty much repeats previous line—even using the same wacky random food object.]

Toad: [Recites lyrics from a The Offspring song.]

Mission: 99.9% Stupid

That Pidgit must be… uh… John. He must be John because his lines ruin the joke in the same way I’ve been berating constantly. Those three ruin everything; I have never wanted so much for imaginary characters to be annihilated so badly until now.

Mission: Pidgit Suicide

Yes! Awesome! Now let’s see that angsty-wannabe “dumbass dipshit” Joe and that tumor of humor whose only joke is repeating his name, Bob, go jump off of a cliff.

Based on Mario’s lines in the first two panels (oh, wait, that’s all of his lines) I kind of want Mario to go jump off of a cliff, too.

Mission: To Do Something Stupid

Man, look at the pure depression these two exhibit knowing they’re just tools for cheap and lazy laughs in a mediocre comic series. I’d probably want to kill myself, too.

Mission: Ride Carpet

Luigi, you need to get your hearing fixed: he said “lever,” not “level.” Is this some kind of Freudian slip caused by his attempt to forget that he’s just a pawn in a video game? Man, what’s with all of these characters and their existential crises all of a sudden. I think the comic’s become so corrupted by all of those lazy “Mario’s dumb” jokes that the characters are about to revolt.

Calling All Viewers

“Calling all viewers: I don’t know how news posts work.”

The people are victimized by all of these lazy jokes and how are their concerns met? By more laziness and corruption! This was the final straw: Luigi, Toad, and Peach began their revolt afterwards. ¡Viva la Revolución! Occupy that room with the shitty pink background! They’re… they’re not very good with slogans, okay.

Mission: Petting Zoo

Toad and Peach are really just trying to make a social statement about how they are treated as wild animals to be used simply for cheap jokes and then thrown away when no longer needed. This protest was significant in the fight for sprite comic characters’ rights.

Speaking of civil rights violations, what’s with Kameoko’s xenophobic hatred of sombreros, as indicated by the small sign with a sombrero being X’d out? Kameoko, I thought you were more progressive than that.

Mission: Bubbly Soda

Um… look at how the one percent decadently use their spare time! Not being job joke creators, that’s what!

Seriously, though: what’s the point of this fucking strip?

Mission: Weight Conversation

As you can see there is another lame joke—because Greg and Wart’s lazy aristocracy are too busy planning to stuff their faces while Peach and Toad bravely protest in the freezing rain for better humor. People are clawing their eyes out of their sockets from these god awful jokes (at least I know I am).

Mission: Wait For Food

No, no, no! Wart, the people are calling for better jokes and you waste their tax money on these three cretins? That’s the equivalent of kicking everyone square in the nuts. And as for the women (or other people?) who don’t have nuts, well, he’ll have to find something else to kick, I guess.

“To the magical bell of powernessness we go!” Such a fine contribution this hilarious character made to this comic. See, he said “ness” twice, so it’s twice the funny.

Mission: Taco Bell

As you can see from Kameoko’s willingness to scam his own leader, as compared with earlier when he worked with him, Kameoko is unhappy about the political climate, too. Luckily, it seems like Greg and Wart have listened a little bit: Bob is silent (though there is a lame, but harmless, drooling joke) and Joe hasn’t said anything super stupid yet. It’s a small victory.

Mission: Jipped

These three were later tortured and executed. Oh, I can only hope.

Mission: Captured

Clearly, Wart’s brutal police arrested them for stirring up a revolt with their protests. Luckily for them Wart’s so lazy and cheap that the prisons don’t even have any bars, allowing for a pretty easy escape.

Mission: Dramatic

Heh heh: “You better root for me.” It says something about the corruption of Wart’s police force when they are allowed to sexually harass their prisoners.

Mission: What Would Mario Do

Sometimes when reading these comics I wonder, “What would a competent sprite comic writer have done?” And then I tried to imagine such a person existing.

Mission: To Make a Total Jackass Out of Himself

You should have tried writing this comic, Toad—that would have gotten you into the sanitarium in a jiffy.

Mission: The Duel… Interrupted

These two were later tortured and executed.

Mission: Report to Boss

Since I clearly couldn’t think of a punchline for this comic, I just did a shallow parody of cliffhangers. Zzzzzz…

I don’t know what that big gray contraption is, but it doesn’t look anything like a computer; and I don’t know what that big brown thing Greyt Leader’s (as you can see, Wart’s kingdom is communist) standing on is, but it sure doesn’t obey this little thing we might call “perspective.”

Mission: Capture Pinky

Ha, ha, ha! I love these two! Don’t try to do better than the competition, just eliminate it. No wonder the government can’t even keep two idiots in a god damn cage.

Mission: Kill Pinky

These strips were clearly written after the writer’s strike of 2007 and 2008. There certainly won’t be any “laughingnessnessness” for this fine writing.

Mission: Stay Awake

The hardest mission the readers have ever undertook.

What happened to everyone’s eyes in the final panel? What, did I outsource the artwork, too? I never thought I’d have to worry about a sprite comic being off-model.

Mission: Drawing Straws

Um, if I’m correct isn’t Wart, like, the king of this place? Clearly we see where the real power is held. Hell, Geremy even has magical powers: look at how he moves his mask’s eye holes in the third panel.

Mission: Sleepy

This title doesn’t even make sense: “sleepy” isn’t an action. You can’t just take the word “Mission:” and just add anything after it for it to work, younger me.

Panel Four: The best thing to do when trying to sneak is to make loud sounds with your mouth.

Also, weren’t those two assholes in, like, world 1-2? They must have taken some huge warp to get from there to world 7-2 so fast.

Mission: Greg’s Dream

Shut up with the “Mission: [blank]” bullshit already!

I wouldn’t brag about your intelligence so much, Greg, when you can’t even remember the difference between “you’re” and “your.”

Mission: Jack’s Dream

Jack dreams of being rich while being inside the castle of a decadent monarch? Um, why not volunteer to keep watch and, while everyone else sleeps, start robbing the place, Jack?

And, now that I think about it, shouldn’t a monarch have guards or something? Man, the Subconian monarchy was even weaker than I thought. Wart would have better spent his time exiling himself into the Koopa Kingdom rather than sitting around drinking soda and ordering Taco Bell. I guess in these depressive, humorless times even Wart is too despondent to save his life, too.

Mission: Geremy’s Dream

I will focus less on the illogic of this joke and instead wonder about Geremy’s psychology that makes him dream of risking being killed by his brothers. Where’s Freud when you need him?

Mission: Stolen Rix?

Yeah, yeah: lame Trix parody. Anyway, I’d just love to point out the pure meta power of the line “we’re cheap” in the final panel awkwardly covering up the cereal box (and by “cereal box” I mean red rectangle). Clearly, I was cheap enough to still be using MS Paint.

Mission: Regroup

Panel Three: You might want to work on your comebacks, Luigi.

If you get out a magnifying glass and look at that bowl Mario’s holding you’ll notice I actually took the time to increase the level of milk spillage over the duration of this strip. I, however, did not take the time to write an actual punchline.

Mission: Wart Dies?

Oh, who cares? The Poisonous Oligarchy will simply install another puppet dictator.

But before that, Wart will develop the magical powers to float through solid wall. His will always stated that he wanted his remains to be built into his castle walls; he was going to do it himself in case the revolutionaries instead decide to hang his corpse up for people to throw rocks at or pee on it, or whatever you revolutionaries do to deposed dictators nowadays.

Mission: Plan of Attack

Well that was the easiest revolution ever. You know, you guys could probably just pick up and couple big rocks and throw them at all of their heads and it’d probably work. Sometimes it’s the simplest plans that are best—like not arbitrarily going forward to the time of Super Mario Bros. 3 when you could just go back in time and try again.

Mission: Left it at Wart’s

Jack, please never smile again.

No wonder these idiots can never keep any of their corrupt monarchies intact for long: they keep relying on idiots to do all of their work. If you three want to be successful dictators you’re gonna need to quit relying on others and learn to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps.

Mission: Epilogue

Panel One: …And left behind a power vacuum, causing a civil war between…

Panel Two: …the Kameoko corporations…

Panel Three: …the Snifit mafia…

Panel Four: …and… Ha! Just kidding! These four dumbshits just kept running into walls while the other two fought for power.

While Toad and Luigi’s eyes are bulging tackily, Peach stays calm. After all of the soul-rending experiences Mario put them through I’m not surprised she doesn’t care if he’s now a stone statue, even if the event was admittedly strange. I would actually like to point out that this joke would probably have been funnier if not for those stupid reaction shots.

-J.J.W. Mezun

Published: December 30, 2011

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