That’s My Sonic! Part Two (Updated)

Read That’s My Sonic! Part One

In my previous romp through That’s My Sonic! we perused only his later 66 comics (maybe five of which producing what I could call a “joke”). Well, in this article we shall take a trip back in time and see if this comic was ever good in its dark past, the first 123 64 comics.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn’t. In fact, these are worse. I hope you’re ready for a fun adventure!

#001

Ho boy, are we in for a treat. Psyguy brags about how this comic was one of the first sprite comics out there—and definitely the first Sonic sprite comic out there—but was this the first comic ever made? Because I’m afraid this was made so early in his career that it was before he even learned how to tell a story, something so basic and logical.

If we were to symbolize a comic as train tracks, with a straight line of tracks being a straightforward story, then this would be the equivalent of someone just throwing a couple of tracks around randomly and calling it a day. Any mind that reads this will crash, because there is no logical flow, or any logic at all, actually. Sonic sees his name at the top in the most hilarious use of postmodernist fourth-wall-breaking that only everyone and their mother have used. Meanwhile, for no explained reason, Tails is trying to hide himself by closing his eyes. Was I supposed to laugh because he’s obviously an idiot? If it were that easy, why not just have someone jump off of random cliffs or buy Atari Jaguars every comic? Shit, even those would be funnier than this. Imagine: someone jumps off of a cliff only to land in some ancient mom-and-pop’s video game store to buy this “rare, high-tech” system called the “Jaguar”, only to take it home and ask “what the fuck is this game, ‘Super Prism Fighters’? Or are they all supposed to be human-colored rock-formations?”

Oh yeah, back to the train wreck in progress: “Knux”, king of the douchiest nicknames, buys a television cleverly disguised as a Sonic power-up, only for Sonic to ask him how it would work outside. Knuckles’s inability to realize the stupidity of setting up a television set outside (much less an outside as lazily drawn and ugly as this one; what, are they a thousand miles from civilization? Or even trees?) apparently enrages Sonic for some reason, leading him to spinning into a ball, about to chase Knuckles. Meanwhile, still unrelated to anything at all, Tails flies away, hoping to hide himself from his drug-induced paranoia.

At this point, I am sure, any reader would be saying to his or her self, “Now this comic is going places.” Right in the fucking dumpster.

#002

Strike one for the shittiest lampshade hanging in history: yes, Knuckles, we’ll figure out any plot holes ourselves, thank you. And he gets a million strikes for that terrible “All Your Base Are Belong to Us” joke, which wasn’t really a joke, but regurgitating the exact phrase in the hopes that it will cover up the fact that he couldn’t write anything actually humorous by himself. Does everyone on the internet make some rule that they’ll only use jokes from this one list of common references, and never deviate from it in any way? I’ll crack your code, you sneaky bastards.

#003

You know what I think we should invest in? Better fonts!! Also, it would help if you moved away from whatever alien planet you live in—look at that fucking floor. No grass looks like that, unless you yourself smoked a little grass.

#004

“Oh man, I love our new house! It has furniture and windows, just like a real house has! Next thing you’ll tell me is that it has doors! Best of all, we have some shitty ‘WHOM! WHOM! WHOM! WHOM!’ sound playing, whatever the hell that’s supposed to be.” Is it caused by Tails pulling on that… black line connected to the roof?

#005

This comic is completely abrupt, so I am going to estimate what is going on here: sun-ninja guy there heard Tails huffing and puffing some of his marijuana there and decided to take vigilante justice and use the only punishment fit for utilizing such a dangerous drug: destroying his whole fucking house. Sonic and Knuckles are understandably not happy about this; and I am not happy about their terrible humor, either. Sonic is the embodiment of every single obnoxious main character ever written by someone with no skills in writing characters, which is especially funny since it’s Sonic, so it’s actually kind of perfect. I mean, really Psyguy: the “I likes me food” angle there? There wasn’t even any reason for that, other than it simply being cliché. It’s like Psyguy is using all of his effort to make his comic as cliché as possible, which would make him some sort of idiot savant. I can’t tell if I should respect him for being so cleverly unclever, or hate him for making his comic as shitty as possible just for a challenge.

Just gaze at that final panel and all of it’s perspective fuckery, with a tint of vomit speed lines for flavor.

#006

gratuitously overused lampshade hanging…

What, did Tails literally trap Amy within those pictures? That’s the only reason I can think of for him being so saddened by the loss of some fucking pictures—of someone he knows personally, and can easily get more pictures of.

I can see by that last panel that by this time Psyguy was beginning to really acquire his skill of fucking up punchlines. I almost laughed at the completely random joke of using pig fat for flooring, but Sonic’s bitching made certain that I went through this comic laugh-free. Way to go, asshole. It’s almost as if Sonic is there to ruin any enjoyment anyone has, and make everyone hate his shitty guts in the process. All I know is I hope Knuckles pushes his ass in the water and he drowns.

How is that sick, anyway? People use animal parts for lots of things we use in our normal lives. You’re just a fucking loony, Sonic. Yeah, I’m talking to you Sonic: fuck you. I don’t let imaginary polypomorphic blue hedgehogs give me shit.

#007

Let’s ignore the enormity of this joke and instead focus on the background and ask ourselves where that water transported Sonic and Knuckles to that has a white-to-blue-gradient background. Maybe it’s fog. Yes, the gods saw that terrible joke Psyguy told and decided to place fog all around its occurrence to hide its vileness from everyone who might die from “Holy shit, are you kidding me? You went there?” Rage Syndrome.

#008

Ho ho ho, hilarious! Get it? Sonic’s gay, so that must mean he’s a pedophile, too! Next week on That’s My Terrible, Ignorant Joke, Sonic and Tails will discover that Knuckles is black, and have him subsequently go buy crack off of the street corner. Comedy gold, here we come!

#009

That’s My Unreadable Font! Ho boy, is this one a perfect example of how not to write a comic. Thank you, Psyguy, for your ingenious way of somehow fitting every single trite, annoying, terrible joke in one shitty package! Vomit guaranteed! Let’s see: pointless references to other works, from overused sources? Check. Someone sent by “the author” to do some stupid shit (A.K.A. I ran out of ideas, but I’m going to hide that by hilariously pointing out how I’ve run out of ideas)? Check. Terrible speech quirk that makes no sense? Check. Terribly implemented running gag that was never funny, and in fact, had no logical reason to be funny. What does “Brittany” have to do with anything? Why should I find it funny that Tails is missing some fucking commercial I’ve never even heard of? I do kind of like the punchline: how Sonic asks Shadow how he got in without breaking the roof, and then Shadow complains that he didn’t plan his entrance well enough, even though that is illogical because planning has nothing to do with breaking the laws of physics. See, this is how to do good absurdist humor: something that almost makes sense, and at least has some connection to reality, even though it’s a false one. Not just random bullshit.

#010

That’s My Creepy Random Dude Staring At Me From That Picture Hanging On the Wall! Seriously, who is that motherfucker?

I have a question: How many jokes are you going to make self-referencing the errors in this comic before they actually become funny? As for the punchline, I can’t understand what any of it means, probably because I can hardly read, what with this wonderful font choice.

#011

Psyguy was just hoping that Jim Davis would trade him a Garfield original for the original of this comic, like he did with Dilbert. Ha. Big, fat, hairy chance. Then again, with those beautiful, blue smears he expects us to believe is “water”, this comic’s artwork does truly rival Garfield’s.

#012

“I hate working for a guy who thinks random bullshit is authentic humor.”

Oh, but look at that sky! Nice perspective lines there, clearly separating the pieces of cloud there, like what happens in real life. I almost think that the white ovals that MS Paint users crap up in two seconds would be better.

#013

Just in case you don’t understand Spanish (because Psyguy can’t use English correctly, he decided he would try to butcher another language as well) he still kicks you in the nuts by typing subtitles below, including the “AAAAHHHHH!”, which truly needed translation. By the way, Psyguy, Spanish use of exclamation marks mandates that an upside-down version goes before the sentence. Mierda tonta.

#014

AAAHHHHHH! I had a terrible dream that Psyguy just explained the previous joke, because he obviously couldn’t think up another one, and told a terrible drug joke!

I love how Psyguy has to type up “Leer!” above them, instead of actually taking the effort to make them look as if they were leering. Maybe the drugs are what’s causing them to still be creepily smiling, even though they are obviously not pleased. Anyway, from now on I’m just going to draw the same panel over and over again and just type up what’s happening:

#015

Jokes about excrement are the apex of humor, especially when it amounts to “this character needs to evacuate his bowels—it’s that wacky!” Maybe the next comic will bring up other zany, off-the-wall topics, such as eating, sleeping, or masturbating. Actually, scratch that last one: Psyguy might actually try it. Shit, he showed us meticulously how some song sounds kind of like someone describing the art of jerking it, so why not?

Okay, so he did add the “no bathroom” angle, which is at least kind of like a joke. It’s irony, since Sonic earlier went off on how his house had all of these things that all houses have, and yet apparently forgot to make sure “restroom” made it in there. By the way, who the hell calls the bathroom within their house a “restroom”? Anyway, the revelation was so dire that it caused shitty Photoshop gradient effects to burst out of his home, magically painting it black. Maybe that house is just racist and is trying to be a minstrel worker—the White Supremacist House.

#016

With all of the self-referencing going on in this comic, nobody points out that freaky-ass background? What is that supposed to be? In fact, all of the scenery of this page looks like some hippy acid trip. And for god’s sake, Psyguy, you can’t just tile some tacky jpeg a couple of times and put it through one-point perspective and call it a background.

#017

I feel like a detective reading these comics, having to use what little clues Psyguy offers in order to try to figure out this puzzle called a “story”. Leaving the joke of a comic to visuals when you cannot actually configure the visuals correctly is not a good idea. Here, let me summarize what my interpretation of the last two panels are: 1. Sonic points at Tails, indicating that he wants to use Tails in some stupid wacky scheme of his because Sonic is a giant douche bag, while Knuckles laughs desperately at how he stooped so low as to play in this comic. 2. Sonic… touches his nose for good luck? Knuckles, meanwhile, punches the air to let out his frustration at the whole situation. I know he may appear to be smiling, but that’s just a facade.

Another bad idea is making the dialogue bubbles partially transparent, as it just makes reading the text a little harder. It’s as if Psyguy knew his writing was bad and subconsciously tried to hide it.

#018

Since “your” too cool to use the correct version of “you’re”, why don’t you just fill this comic with tacky zaniness. Let’s have Sonic and Knuckles call Tails some silly word, like “Yobdnarre”, and then have Tails make some random reference to a popularized version of something that one of the Beatles said. Next, two of the most predictable jokes ever; Sonic saying “screw it” and pushing Tails out, and Tails making some over-obnoxious cry for love, neither of which haven’t been done to death at all. Granted, it’s Psyguy’s trite presentation of these jokes that really make them a special brand of annoying. Also, explain to me how Sonic was able to push Tails out of the house through an invisible line, but Tails can’t get back in. I don’t see any door there to be locked—another thing Sonic’s dumb ass forgot to get. God, no wonder Sonic was so happy about having couches and windows.

#019

And I congratulate Psyguy on winning the award for Most Awkward Ever Phrasing for that “point of obtainment” bit.

I would also like to thank you for ruining what was almost a pretty good joke. See, he made an actual clever comment about video game logic… and then had Shadow randomly say “Why am I in this strip?” That’s a good question, Shadow: why the fuck are you in this strip, blabbing your mouth, and ruining the god damn punchline?

#020

More terrible homosexual jokes—the golden standard of comedy! Apparently I wasn’t kidding about Knuckles being revealed to be black in the end, either. See? I’m a motherfucking psychic.

#021

Once you’ve lowered yourself to making jokes about Sonic being on a Nintendo system (IT SHOULD BE ILLLEEEGAL! IT’S JUST TOO CRAAAAZY!) and—sigh—more terrible homosexual jokes, that’s a sign that you should throw in the towel. Throw it far, far away in the ocean, so nobody can ever touch it and become contaminated.

Also, you don’t need to explain everything that happens with action words. We could clearly see that Shadow grabbed onto Tails; we don’t need you to announce it to everyone, unless you’re planning on calling the police on him. And he complains about Sonic’s groping.

#022

Psyguy has the special kind of snarky character—both Shadow and Knuckles, who have the same exact personality—that is ironically as annoying as the character they’re annoyed by. All they amount to is “Arggh! Someone did something stupid! Watch me point out the joke Psyguy’s trying to tell, because he thinks they’re too idiot to figure it out themselves.” If Knuckles and Shadow had an occupation title, I would call it “Punchline Ruiner”. You know, it says something about the author when I feel more sympathetic towards the villain—even if there still is no reason for him to be attacking them. Although, then again, I can’t blame him for wanting to kill their annoying asses.

The only thing lost in the final panel is me. I’m guessing this is supposed to be an allusion to something else. I don’t know. You know, good allusions usually have contexts that call for them, or are at least funny enough for those who don’t randomly know the work you’re alluding to.

HOLY TESTICULAR TUESDAY! HOW COULD HE THINK UP SUCH TERRIBLE DIALOGUE!

#023

I swear that all of Tails’s dialogue is just some random writing he stole from someone else. He’s like T.S. Eliot, except while Eliot was clever with his stealing, Psyguy is shallowly stealing other people’s work and passing it off as “his” work. I mean, it’s obvious that he expects us to think his comic is funny by writing this other person’s work. He made absolutely no addition to that Meow Mix song to make it actually his own; he just blatantly copied it. That would be like if I just transcribed his comics here, instead of actually coming up with my own interpretations and comments on it.

Ho ho ho, you can just feel the wha-wha music play in that punchline! That’s My Predictable Joke!

#024

Tails: Oh God! We’re stranded on a deserted island! Like that movie “Cast Away”! I’m gonna have to make friends with this BEACH BALL! NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Shadow: How many deserted islands have beach balls and umbrellas already at [sic] them?

Tails: These aren’t normal umbrellas and beach balls. They’re WILD!

Shadow: Mental Note: No more “Magic Kool-Aid”.

Tails: Heyyyy…Magic Cool Aid! [sic] That sounds pretty good right about now!

Shadow: No way, man. I think you’ve had enough.

Tails: Just one little hit! I need a hit of Magic Kool Aid! [Not redundant at all. -ed] PLEASE! You can’t deny my right to have MAGIC KOOL AID!!! [Make sure you mention “Magic Kool Aid” a few more times; I think we missed it the first time. -ed]

Shadow: Dude! No way! You’re addicted! [And I’m stuck in the 80’s, dude! If this comic had any pro-Christian (or what he believes is “Christian”) themes, I would think Jack Chick wrote this. -ed]

Tails: AHHHHHH! NO NO NO! I must have it! You can’t deny it to me! Nonono! Iwillhavemymagickoolaid! Meandmytruelovewillonceagainbecomeone! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! [Just overact—that’s the key to true humor. -ed]

Shadow: Ak! The sidekick madness has started to sink in!

Sonic: You too can evade the dreaded sidekick madness by purchasing some fabulous products from the Dirty Power online store! Such wonderful items will ease your mind and prevent ANY sidekick madness from sinking in! [You too can evade the dreaded walls of text by writing more competent dialogue and prevent any author madness. Seriously, “sidekick madness”? Were you trying that hat technique again, Psyguy? -ed.]

Knuckles: Right on, Sonic!

Eggman: DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO SHAME? [The one time I feel that Psyguy made a good use of breaking the fourth wall. -ed]

Sorry, I failed at blindly copying his work. I guess I need to work harder to be lazier.

#025

Wait, so he cannot provide any thought to his comic because he’s playing Sonic Adventure 2? How long has he been playing that game? Over seven years straight?

But, because he loves you so much, he took the effort to type “Dance dance dance” above Sonic, so that you know that you’re supposed to imagine Sonic’s standing picture dancing. You should also use your imagination to create a background that isn’t just two tacky gradients.

#026

Sonic Adventure 2 always turns me into a green-haired Sonic sprite with tacky bat wings whenever I play it, too. Do you really want readers to imagine you looking like that, Psyguy? You might as well have just Photoshopped in a photograph of a giant douche.

From now on half of my commentaries are going to be me referring to past commentaries I’ve made, just like Psyguy does.

#027

Hey, remember when I made fun of Psyguy for referring back to previous jokes? I just thought I would tell you about it again, in case you forgot.

#028

Repeat trite, cliché phrases: get a trite, cliché comic. Or: Sleep in English class: misuse colons. That’s My Ugly, Misshapen Word Bubble!

God, Tails is so bored with this comic he isn’t even looking at Shadow when they’re talking, as if he’s watching the clock, anxious to get this shit over with. Maybe he wants to “Run! Run! Run!”, like Yoshi’s doing there. I think they’re trying to imitate the Ham-Hams from Hamtaro, constantly saying what they’re doing while they’re doing. Does someone yell “Sleeping! Sleeping!” whenever someone’s sleeping? Because that would be pretty rude.

GOD NO! STOP!! THIS FONT IS SO TACKY! LIBRARIAN! (Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean) NO! NOT MORE ANUS HUMOR! AHHHH! SHADOW STARING AT THE READER! SUCH TERRIBLE CORNINESS! POW! BAM! SHITTY PHOTOSHOP EFFECTS!

So, I guess the joke is that Tails is a barbaric sociopath for no reason? Is that why he’s giving the “Heil Hitler” salute in that final panel? He didn’t even kill Yoshi and Baby Mario in any humorous way. It’s just… disgusting. I mean, the “ass” part was already stupid and contrived enough, but now we have to see Yoshi and Baby Mario’s heads flying around with scribbles of red paint flying around? Random murder doesn’t make you a funny character; it makes you Eric Harris. You still actually have to think up some humorous twist to make the murder actually funny.

#029

“Hey, I wonder what Sonic and Knuckles are doing? Oh, they’re just telling terrible jokes again.” You should be using the fact that these two humor assassins are gone from the story as much as possible, Psyguy. Hell, if you had Tails randomly murder them, then maybe someone would actually enjoy it.

#030

I talked to my video game, and it told me that we’re going to win in Iraq. Well, fine then. I’ll just make random comments that make no sense! MISSPELL…WORDD!!

This is why I didn’t buy a “super Nintendo” (or use proper nouns correctly): they always lead to shitty video game references. By the way, you got Samus’s characterization down on the nail.

Love that square left side of Samus’s word bubble, too.

#031

I think the better question is “Where isn’t Sonic, so I can be there?” My interpretation of this work was that everyone hated that annoying shit, so him being gone should be a relief to these people—especially Knuckles. The only person I can see wanting to find Sonic would be Tails, for obvious reasons: he just wants to randomly murder Sonic.

#032

It’s ass.

#033

And so the three take off into a world of walls of text and seek out a comic that isn’t something you would leave flaming on someone’s door step. Corny dialogue is MINE!

This punchline was actually funny… well, it would have been if he didn’t ruin the god damn joke with more extra bullshit.

#034

Samus is female. So what jokes do we have for such a female character? PMS and rape. Now, once again, I am not claiming that Psyguy is necessarily misogynous, because everything Sonic says is stupid, and, in fact, everything anyone says in this comic is stupid. For example, if Psyguy tried to make a genuine comic against, say, abortion, I would think he was really pro-choice, since he would definitely do a shitty job arguing it. Besides, he always makes jokes about rape; it’s like these people think rape is just some little wizard that makes humor just happen, no question about it. I’m just saying that Sonic’s first joke wasn’t clever, and neither was the second one. And then he just regurgitates that same stupid punchline he used before.

#035

WAAAAAHAHHHAHAHA!!! SHLAKAKAKAKAKA! WHAM! BAM! FLOOOM! ACK! ACK! ACK! *cough* I just wrote the equivalent of Psyguy’s humor. In half a minute.

#036

“No! I’m not coming out of this ball until this comic finally becomes funny!”

“HA HA HA! FOOLISH mortal! I’m more powerful than some contrived allusion to some work that I have to explain in detail!”

“Not even random references can hurt me! Now I shall commence to padding. Pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad. Have I filled enough space? No? Well then, pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad pad.”

I don’t know how Tails was able to sneakily kick Mecha without him noticing, what with some asshole yelling “Walk! Walk! Walk!”

The pause is 100% humor free. Only purchase your pauses with overly long gags.

After that kick makes Mecha’s head fly away from a miniature atomic bomb blast, which magically painted the background red, Shadow gets in a hilariously zany situation of being stuck in a ball [laugh track].

#037

“Man, that’s a random transition…”

“Yeah, just like my blurting out personal information.”

“Dood! Check it out! Misspelling words!”

“Heeeere I come to say trite dialogue!”

“Oh god, tell me when this comic is over.”

“[Yes, my son… even though you forgot to capitalize my name.]”

“Thank you, my lord, for breaking the conventions of comics and talking through brackets.”

“JANE! STOP THESE TRITE REFERENCES!”

“Hello my honey! Hello my baby! Hello my useless padding!”

“That’s it! I’m ruining the punchline!”

Can I find the space that doesn’t belong? Damn straight: everything in this comic.

#038

“Hey, did you see me attempt this shitty running gag two times already? So, what cliché shall we do now?”

WHAAZZUP! X 3 = Lazy motherfucker author.

“NOOOO! OVEROBNOXIOUSNESS!!! OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!”

“Man, that commercial was great—let me tell you about it as this solar eclipse occurs.”

Rest of script: [Cute character goes “zany”, then some drug reference. Pad extra space with “NOOOOO!!!”s and “AAAHHH!”s. Spend rest of time making shitty flames effect.]

#039

Random humor at it’s finest. Let me tell you that I actually cried when I read this, it’s so terrible. I cannot believe any human would stoop this low. He could make random racist and homophobic jokes and I would be less offended. He could spend all of this time making fun of Jews who were in the concentration camp and Japanese killed by the atomic bomb being dropped, and I would be less offended. It is the apex of assness. This is what would happen if shit took a shit. My mother being slowly choked to death, while being raped in the mouth would be more funny than this. It is a lot more exaggeratory comparisons. It’s ass.

#040

Making shitty jokes and then having everyone complain about them being shitty does not make humor.

For god’s sake, the punchline is a monkey saying “I am a monkey.” The punchline is a monkey saying “I am a monkey.”

#041

I hope nobody was mentally ill enough to buy his shit (if he actually had a store, which was probably some little shit Cafepress store). Thanks, by the way, for killing our senses of humor with this pathogen just so you could tell people “buy my stuff so I can illegally profit off of Sega’s work!”

#042

Okay, this one’s okay. I actually liked the punchline… until Douchy McTapitytap opened his god damn trap in that last panel. I feel like Charlie Brown, thinking that I’ve finally got the ball; then some inane character moves it out of the way. Thanks a lot, assholes. I hope you and Shadow choke and die.

#043

Um, what about this was “too funny to pass up”? By the way, selling “TMS Trash Cans” is the perfect idea: when I think of TMS, I definitely think of fucking garbage. I just hope it comes with a button causes a miniature boot to come out and kick Psyguy in the nuts every time he ruins one of his punchline. He’d be infertile by next week.

#044

It’s the padding show!

This is the padding show!

It’s not real content!

This is the padding show!

If this was real content,

You would probably like it but

It would still suck,

So fuck this shitty garbage.

Barf! Barf! Barf! SEX JOKES LOL! Hey, I got one: Sonic licks up Amy’s hairy pussy! Hilarity ensues! Maybe Sonic will slurp up the jizz dripping from Tails’s twin dicks. I know you love ripping off other works for humor, but don’t steal from Sonic slash fan fics. That’s low even for you.

#045

REFERENCING PREVIOUS JOKES! WHAAAA!!! Never forget, Rouge? We’d love to fucking forget. But at least we have the Kool-Aid man’s tacky sprite to bust in and make more predictable references done by millions of other Zzzzzzzzzzz…

#046

And to think that all Psyguy had to do was type “<p>No comic today. Just read the comic I created a week ago; it would have been exactly like the one I would have created today.</p>”, and it would have been just as good as this… whatever it is.

#047

That’s-a shitty joke!

#048

Allow me to describe all six panels in one word: 1. Regurgitation, 2. Inane, 3. Retarded, 4. Still retarded, 5. Relief, 6. Ass.

#049

“Watch me argue with my imaginary friends! I’ll tell lots of genius jokes: Like, did you know, mothers-in-law are terrible! And, uh, I’m a loser! Hoo hoo, that’s hilarious. Let’s just throw in some half-assed pedophilia jokes and call it a day.” A really shitty day for the reader.

#050

And as thanks to my readers for their faithfulness, I will kick them in the nuts and give them this shitty noncomic.

#051

Ha ha ha, he likes chili dogs and pinching red, squishy things! Such zany characterization should have won sir Psyguy an Eisner. Well, at least he doesn’t have some angsty background, like his mother raped and beat him and then died, ironically making him sad—and the audience laugh. Actually, fuck what I said: that kind of characterization would at least make me laugh. This just makes me feel like driving a nail through my retinas.

#052

The subject of ass-pinching was unexplored in the world of sprite comics, until Psyguy thankfully quenched that thirst. It was a story that truly had to be told.

#053

Psyguy was trying to see how many panels he could use to tell the simple joke that “Super Sonic” is a DBZ rip-off. Wait, tell me one more time, Circus Freak Sonic, what is this “Super Sonic” guy a rip-off of? I forgot the previous two panels you told me.

#054

I don’t need to even comment on this comic. Once you see the “All your Tomato are belong to us!” at the top, anyone with any taste would immediately close their browser. They would then clear their browser so that nobody will ever know they looked at it, set their entire computer on fire in case someone is able to bring back those files, and then bash their head against the wall until they themselves cannot remember this comic ever existed.

#055

If Microsoft actually wasted their money on something as shitty as updating this Sonic douche bag I think I know why they’re gradually being overtaken by Apple. Although I will admit that being able to kick the sun like in that last panel is pretty impressive.

#056

“WHEM! Looks like I dropped in on more random characters who have that same cardboard personality.”

One is so depressed—probably from having to lower himself to being in this comic just to feed his family—that he doesn’t care if he’s drowning. His constant smile really helps to show that.

But whatever, let’s just finish the comic with referring back to past jokes that were not funny again and then just fill up the last panel to our hearts content. Get it? He’s a bitch! It’s funny when we curse at people. You’re a fucking cunt! Wow, I am laughing so much that I am rocketing myself into the sky with my urination. And then the “eat him” card, which came in Psyguy’s box of “Sprite Comic Cliché Jokes” cards. No sprite comic creator is without one. Except for maybe the competent ones.

#057

“Um, excuse me, I don’t know what this thing called a news post is. Could you tell me about it? Wait, wait, wait… You mean I can just type messages on my website? Like, without pointless pictures? Nah, if I crap it into a comic I’ll be able to brag about having more comics.”

#058

HOMOS ARE FUNNY, GUYS! Get it? He’s gay.

And who directly refers to themselves as homophobes like that? That’s like describing your own personality types. “Believe it or not, I am a jerk with a heart of gold.”

#059

And now we have racist humor, too. You sure are on the cutting edge, aren’t you Psyguy.

ANNOYING AS SHIT!!!! This comic is the equivalent of having some asshole bang pots in pans right in your fucking face.

#060

I’ll take the effort to write a commentary for this comic when Psyguy starts putting the effort into writing his comics.

#061

Yes, I get it. They’re in a sprite comic. Please, when will postmodernism die.

I ask again, why do all of these sprite comics’ dialogue have to consist of random shouts and grunts? Maybe all of these people came up with a special challenge where every so panel they’ll just bash their face onto their keyboard, and call it dialogue. I can’t fault them for it, actually, since it’s better than any of the actual dialogue.

#062

“Hey guys! Let’s be over-obnoxious!” *slams head on keyboard a couple times*. “Panel one is done!”

You know, you can tell a comic is bad when every comic has Sonic complaining that this comic sucks as a poorly-designed attempt at self-deprecation. Now, don’t get me wrong: I like self-deprecation humor—although that might just be because I’m a retarded piece of shit—but you actually have to make that clever, too (in fact, believe it or not, all jokes require cleverness). Just saying “this sucks” over and over again is really like taunting the reader, as if saying “ha ha! I just crapped this up in two minutes! And now you have to suffer! Meanwhile, I’ll be playing Sonic Adventure 2 for hours.”

Yeah, he’s back to referencing past jokes again. He’s finished. Incidentally, chicken hair there’s line in the final panel would be useful for anyone reading this comic.

*HEY! Please pay me money for some cheap material that even bootleggers would look down on! Because this comic—this fine work—is truly worth money. This begging, by the way, came from the same person who was able to afford a Dreamcast, as well as Sonic Adventure 2, a computer, and internet. Besides, even if he was a starving hobo on the street, I would still spit in his cup if I saw this.

#063

You know what’s funny (hint: not this comic)? This comic announces itself as “That’s My Tomato!”, and yet “My Tomato” does not even appear in this strip. I suspect that Tomato’s contract ended and the comic is just going through seasonal rot (with how bad it always has been, who could notice?). Actually, I have noticed it getting even worse lately, which is pretty difficult to fathom.

You nutbar! It’s raining terrible dialogue! La la la!

#064

Welcome to the Uncanny Valley, folks! Starring the worst drawn Amy and Rouge sprites ever crafted by human. I am just glad Knuckles was able to add in some of his wacky fourth-wall-breaking for no logical reason. Well, I guess it did set up some cliché joke, but it’s not too bad. I’m just wondering what polluted water Rouge drank to birth a baby with a gigantic head—it’s bigger than his fucking body.

The final panel is just… terrible. Let me summarize the joke as Psyguy told it: “I’m going to shave Sonic! Wow, isn’t it funny how Sonic is going to be shaved?” Repeating punchlines is a good way to not make them funny, which would be a strange aspiration to have.

And this is where we stop. I was originally planning on making fun of the rest of this “chapter” or whatever, but the rest of the comics aren’t even worth making fun of. If you want the equivalency of the rest of the comics, just bash your fists on your keyboard like an orangutan and copy some stock phrases in for flavor to stimulate the dialogue.

Oh, and sneak in some hilariously narmy 9/11 comic—I swear to God I am not making that up. I mean, who can take this green mutant bowing down to the American flag seriously? You might as well make a comic about how sad the Holocaust was using the Three Stooges smacking each other in the face. Why not show the atomic blasts of Hiroshima and Nagasaki followed with Mr. Bill screaming “Oh nooooooo!”?

-J.J.W. Mezun

(Revised: June 26, 2011)

(Originally Published: August 20, 2010)