Kirby’s Fan Mail (Updated)

What happens when someone bases a sprite comic on a bunch of letters readers send in? Read on if you dare to find out.

Note: Quality may be slightly different from the originals because I optimized them from the gargantuan file sizes that hatkirby’s were. I did this in GIMP, a completely free program that works in Windows, Mac, and Linux. No excuse for no optimization, assholes.

Introducing your comic has got to be the greatest way to start a comic. Making an “about” page is totally out of the question. Seriously, this comic meets almost all of the criteria for an optimally shitty sprite comic introduction.

Well, after you showed what a master you are at comic creation, I can’t fathom why nobody would send you e-mail that very instant. Hatkirby does offer good consolation: people were afraid a superstar such as hatkirby would be too important while writing her famous sprite comic to talk to all of the little people. Her e-mail account was swarming with mail after this comic, I’m sure.

Whoever you bought this tower from ripped you off, Kirby. Logical people generally place the door on the ground, so people don’t have to fall to use them—even if that door is simply a rectangular black void.

For the record, I don’t know what’s scarier: the fact that somebody actually asked Kirby what flavor he is, or the fact that Kirby knows the answer.

Jesus. I wasn’t expecting each of her comics to require an encyclopedia-sized description on what is wrong with them, and maybe humanity in general. Shit, at least Recon was nice enough to make the same dumbass errors.

Where do I begin? What does this “ice cream” thing have to do with the questions asked? It’s completely irrelevant. Actually, fuck that: this whole comic is random and pointless. I have a better chance of getting laid than hatkirby does of creating a good punchline—or even a punchline at all. Where is the humor? I searched through this comic like searching for a needle and a haystack, and all that lead me to was a hackneyed cliché.

And what the fuck is going on in that final panel? Is that huge mass of shit in front of Mario’s face supposed to be ice cream? Because I don’t think ice cream looks anything similar to that, nor does it float in the fucking air. Also, Kirby asked for triple-fudge, which would be brown, not vanilla with blood in it. What kind of fucking sicko servant is he?

And speaking of the servant, um… Does anyone else notice that he’s black? A little bit of unfortunate implications, hatkirby. Maybe Kirby lives in the antebellum south.

It was nice of Kirby to translate Shimi’s scribbles for us. I, personally, do not understand Scribblese very well. I’d also like to know how Kirby’s butler handing him a Pikachu makes the world go pure white; but judging from what a racist Kirby is, it’s probably some message he’s trying to push down the readers’ throats.

Also, speaking of the butler and racism, I guess that this comic must have taken place after the Civil War, and Kirby was forced to free his slave, and hire a butler instead.

Read this and try not to make sexual jokes from it. Shit, she even starts the comic by making Kirby go “Eughh…”, even though he’s lifting what clearly is a light letter. So, either Kirby is the biggest pussy in the world and can barely lift paper, or… I won’t dwell on the or, thank you very much. Then again, it could be from focusing all of his power so that he can magically float there in that panel.

I love how the “Tadaa!” fits so nicely in its word bubble. Do these people even look at their comics after they make them? I guess I shouldn’t criticize when she took the effort to write out what is going on in a comic she didn’t even draw. There’s no original writing at all. It would be akin to me writing for a photo, “This guy is running. A car drives through. Vroom! Cat’s meowing!”. What was the point of this god damn comic, anyway? And what relevance does it have to Kirby receiving fan mail?

Update: According to someone named “sonicfeet1” (Pixelated Pestilence has always been popular with the anthropomorphic animal appendages demographic) this comic wasn’t even written by hatkirby (my research indicates that it was translated by Ivyna and Jboy). This propels hatkirby’s laziness quotient to unfathomable levels.

Kirby seems to have no problem with random people warping in and out of his doorless room, despite Kirby’s attempts to lose them by changing the place he lives every comic. How many houses does this asshole have?

Hatkirby does realize that in English word bubbles are supposed to be read from left to right, correct? Granted, the word bubbles on the right are higher than the ones on the left; but it is still confusing, especially when she could have just flipped the god damn panels horizontally. That way the person who speaks first when there are more than one word bubble would always be on the left.

Kirby looks as if he is humping his perspectively-incorrect bed. Unless that white background is supposed to be the floor, in which case why would there be a door on the fucking floor?

I also love how Waddle Dee tells Kirby to go back to bed, hilariously forgetting that Kirby’s been in bed this whole comic.

Is this comic meant to be some kind of deep Zen bullshit, or does hatkirby just have A.D.D? You could pretty much replace this comic’s punchline with anything and it’d make just as much sense. Also, why are there black marks all around the outside of the paper in that first panel? Seriously, this bitch is loony.

Update: Same person indicated to me that this comic is an obscure allusion that even T.S. Eliot would disapprove of (unlike the obscure reference I just made) of some random fan comic that is surprisingly worse-looking than hatkirby (haven’t you people heard of dialogue tails?):

Next time you decide to use obscure allusions whenever you randomly start updating your comic again, hatkirby, put a fucking footnote. And, no, the comments don’t count, because nobody reads those.

Maybe this comic isn’t supposed to be funny. Maybe it’s just meant to be informative about things that nobody gives a shit about and could easily be looked up on Google. Which is too bad, because if hatkirby really wanted to go with the informative angle, she should tell her dumb shit readers to ask better questions. Then again, she could have answered that “Why Kirby is pink” question, as opposed to the gender question, which any fucking idiot could figure out in a second—even by simply reading earlier Kirby’s Fan Mail comics.

I do have to give hatkirby credit: considering the material she’s working with, it should be no surprise that these comics are, um, special. She could have made a more legitimate answer to that “Kirby dying” question, though. Personally, I haven’t been hearing much about new Kirby games in awhile. Also, Game & Watch Guy is in Brawl, and Game & Watch games sure are dead.

Then again, when someone doesn’t understand what “no pants” means, I can understand why there would be problems answering these questions. Granted, she probably just gave that half-assed answer due to laziness (she does realize that she could have made the comic have more panels, like some of the other comics did, right?). Shit, she could have just copied that “Quiet Game” panel at the end of comic eleven and pasted it here; it makes just as much sense here as it did in that comic.

Dear PSH: Why are you so curious about Kirby’s biology, you sick fuck?

It is nice to know that Kirby only eats because he feels like it. And he eats a lot of food. I’m sure those dying of starvation would be thrilled to hear about this. Yeah, fuck you, Kirby.

You want to know what the best part of this comic is? The link is fucking broken. That, in addition to this flagrant use of images just for fucking text, makes this comic completely fucking useless. In fact, considering that this has no artwork, by definition it is not even a comic at all. It’s fucking garbage shit fuck… Okay, I’ll calm myself. At least there’s no chapter intro pages, holiday bullshit, or dumbass artist putting dumbass self in dumbass comic.

Kirby really does have a favorite food—The Maxim Tomato—and hatkirby should fucking know this. Then again, why would she want to ruin a hilarious, knee-slapping joke such as this comic’s punchline?

By the way, I love how Mario is such a sociopathic asshole that he just stands there smiling after Kirby has a heart attack, which could easily be deadly, and would definitely by harmful to his health for the rest of his life. I’m keeping my eye on you, Mario.

Oh, and hatkirby: Next time you involve Mario in your comics, please use a sprite that doesn’t look ridiculous compared to the background. Putting 2-D and 3-D together is like putting Kirby and the Holocaust together. Oh, wait…

It’s a federal crime to read someone else’s mail, Waddle Dee, even if you’re wearing the stupidest hat in the world. Then again, when you have Crackhead McSunkencheeks as your mailman I don’t think you have much to worry about.

By the way, note how hatkirby points her exquisite punchline to the wrong person.

I was glad that hatkirby wrapped up her dramatic opus in such a heartwarming way. I do feel bad for NeOn, though; not just because he has the worst parents in the world to name him something so stupid, but because he must live off of contaminated water to look like that. Then again, judging by his parents, his mom probably just drank while he was in utero. Expect a very special episode next week, as Kirby lectures on the dangers of drinking while pregnant, driving, or writing sprite comics.

Kirby doesn’t ask that desperate “WHAT!?!?!?” (how much punctuation do you need?) in response to the letter: he’s begging the audience for help. He’s subtly telling us that he, too, realizes the atrocity that is hatkirby’s humor.

Then again, it could just be a cliché way to end a cliché joke.

Kirby’s desperation has apparently degenerated into schizophrenia. Either that or that bomb block is supposed to be alive.

Oh, and I refuse to comment on this antihumorous allusion to Star Wars until I stop vomiting.

This comic is so straightforward and predictable that it turns right around and becomes magically unpredictably predictable. Most humor is based on twisting ideas, often going against what is expected. When the set-up is how many Kirbys could fit on a warp star, one expects some twist that the reader won’t see coming. Maybe Kirby could berate the mailer for his use of unscientific research using hearsay, missing the point of how insignificant the question is; maybe Kirby could put a giant basket on the warp star and put the people on it, once again, missing the point of the exercise (this is similar to that stupid owl eating that naked boy’s tootsie pop). Hatkirby says fuck all of that complicated bullshit: just have the Kirbys test out how many people can fit on a warp star until they fall, end of comic. I hear she also wrote a terrific bar joke: “A man walks into a bar, buys alcohol, drinks it, pays for it, and leaves”.

It’s always a sign of a good sprite comic writer when they reuse the same jokes that were never funny the first time. Well, I guess the perspective errors will always cause a chuckle.

LOL IM WRITING A COMENTARY!!!!!! Boing!! Zip!!!! If all else fals use fre!!! GAHH! Uh oh… Luke, I am your fater!

This comic would make wonderful propaganda for aliens. Any aliens who saw this would have no qualms about destroying the earth or harming humanity; this comic proves that they obviously have no ability to create anything useful ever. Hey, hatkirby, you reading this? You single-handedly destroyed Shakespeare, the Sistine Chapel, and Wario Land 3 for the aliens. I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself.

What system Kirby prefers really was a mystery. But seriously, the real mystery is how Kirby locks his door by just saying “*LOCKS DOOR*” and magically turning the white void that is shaped like a door into a black void.

I would find this punchline mind-numbingly awful if not for the fact that Kirby is finally mocking the dumbasses who mail him these stupid questions. Unless hatkirby concocted those questions herself, which is very likely. Then again, we already established that Kirby is schizophrenic; maybe this is all a facade.

Okay, so Kirby floats in the air with his mouth open, causing while lines to appear above the microphone; then they disappear miraculously; and later Kirby causes the enemies to die from his awful singing, and responds by saying… “Ooh! Some treaties!”? You can already see that hatkirby is a master of sequential storytelling. And just look at those beautiful visuals! God damn are those MS Paint rectangles gorgeous!

Has hatkirby learned how to write comics from Law Stripz? Shit, this comic even ends with a blank panel—although it’s in the more politically correct black.

“*CRY&*”? What the fuck does “CRY&” mean? Also, I find it ironic that somebody as mutated as Neon would question Kirby’s appearance.

I can’t even comment on these comics anymore—I can’t even understand them. I would have a better chance of understanding this if it was written in Japanese.

I’m more concerned over how Kirby somehow enlarged his note and turned the scribbles into “Poyoish”.

I also get a badly drawn sweat drop on my head every so often.

[Mezun refused to comment on this comic.]

King of retards, my ass: that title belongs to Commander Chaos. Although, I will say that hatkirby is in the running to be the queen.

I now award hatkirby as Queen of Retards. Let me just say, by the way, that I actually changed the organization of the panels in this comic because hatkirby’s original was too damn wide for most moniters. I’ve never felt like I was wasting my effort more in my life than when doing that. (Original Version).

Hatkirby, did your use of MS Paint ever go wrong? Hell yes.

Well, it might help if the door had a doorknob, or was big enough for Kirby’s fat ass to enter.

Has hatkirby even heard of a punchline?

Something tells me that Shadow Hintana lives in a mental institution. Then again, when Kirby reads works like Garfield, well… Actually, fuck that: even Garfield was funnier than this. Shit, at least Jim Davis remembered to make punchlines… sometimes.

Is this “erase his memory” bullshit supposed to be a running joke or something? Because there is no logical… Uh, I’m just going to give up on trying to understand this bullshit.

Poyoish is a pretty lame language, considering that it only has one word.

Let’s examine this comic for a little bit, because my head hurts right now. First of all, stupid-hat Kirby there wasn’t kidding: “Caplolyao”” doesn’t register any hits in Google except this comic itself. Second, why would you use a word you don’t know in your games, ask some stranger what it means, and then put the answer on the back anyway? Why would you ask someone a question you already know the answer to? Man, fuck you, Sandcomics—only a dumbass would make comics out of sand. Who the fuck could read them? They would break apart just by touching them.

It said who sent him the trip in the letter, dumbass. It’s not as if this plot will be elaborated on, anyway. Yes, hatkirby is a master of storytelling.

Every comic I just want to say “Fuck this; this shit’s for the birds”, but then I remember that birds don’t even deserve to be subjected to this, which is “repeatidly”, retarded.

And what the fuck is wrong with that guy? Does he have a vacuum in his crotch or something? Both his legs and his stomach compact at the crotch area. And let’s not even get into those weird bumps next to his mouth in the last two panels.

Once again we end with a Law Stripz blank end… Wait, “Floop”? Why the fuck do his legs go “floop”?

I am not pleased with this constant hatred of Waddle Doos. Fucking racists! First blacks, now Waddle Doos. God, Kirby, you’re a regular Archie Bunker.

I am also not pleased with the ship being miniature and it somehow turning into a large white ball and then disappearing, without any explanation.

I can’t believe that your using bad English. I also can’t believe that the news is just black text on a white background. Also, there’s some serious arrogance here: 99.9% of the world couldn’t give two shits about Kirby and his mentally-vacant mail.

Let’s see: guy from 1920s appears and disappears, floating in the air; Kirby in 1920s hat warps in; and Kirby floats in the air. I really think Kirby is supposed to be insane and just imagines all of this. Shit, this room even looks like a padded room.

I think you have more to apologize for than taking a hiatus. Wearing such a stupid-ass hat could be one thing; maybe apologize for the children you’ve scarred with your mind-fuck of a comic.

Maybe apologize for this stupid fucking comic that is completely fucking useless. Webcomic artists: Nobody gives a shit how many comics you make. Certainly not enough for a comic completely void of entertainment that simply points out this “achievement”, even though you could just do so using fucking text. It’s already bad enough that your other comics are devoid of entertainment already.

I’m not speaking to any of you anymore, Kirby or hatkirby. Besides, this comic is so devoid of… anything that I have nothing to say, other than “Fuck this, this shit’s for the birds”. See, I can write running jokes just as well as hatkirby does.

I don’t even want to know what “glomped” means.

I’ve been wondering what the point of every comic was, quite frankly. But, ho ho, you just gotta love that random (not) humor!

Dear Kirby, your comic is fucking garbage. Seriously, I’m about to start up my Amazing Mirror cartridge and kill Kirby repeatedly just to make him suffer for this crime against humanity.

Also, there’s no letter there, dipshit. I’m dead serious: this is turning into A Beautiful Mind territory. See, hatkirby? I can make obscure references, too.

I’m going to use too many exclamation marks because I feel like it and am an annoying douche bag!!!!!!!

I will say, um… Wow, this comic is fucked up—this time morally. I can only imagine that “Bluefire”, the “guardian of those who are straight”, must be a member of the KKK to go far enough to blow someone up for being homosexual. Kirby, of course, ignores this and complains about how he is harmed. Also, here’s a tip, hatkirby: no Homosexual would respond to being called a “gaybo” by saying “You’re supposed to say gaylord!”

How did she even write that letter? It is evident that she is paraplegic, and has no arms or legs. And, of course, Kirby the Prejudiced decides to deal with her “disease” by crushing her with a phone, which always has a shadow right under it, even in the air for no logical reason.

Maybe instead of doing what these jackasses ask from you, Kirby, you can work on writing actual jokes. No?

Uh, I don’t think repeating the question in statement form counts as an answer. Besides, Kirby’s lightweight ass is easy to beat in Smash Bros.

Yeah, Kirby’s Air Ride wasn’t too bad of a… Wait, why is there black dots all over his letter? Nevermind, actually; don’t tell me.

Okay, let’s add paranoia to the list of Kirby’s mental disorders. Also, the fact that Kirby yells all of that and shows no emotion cannot be healthy, either.

Wait and see what? You finally writing a competent comic? This comic is a motherfucking mess.

Any explanation as to why Kirby is big? Any reason why Kirby says “bwa bwa”? Any indication on what Kirby is planning to do or running to? No? Then you fail, hatkirby.

Anonymous, what have you become? You used to make brilliant commentaries such as “not funny” and “NEVER USE MEGA MAN SPRITES!!!” and now you’re sucking up to this crap?

No, I think Kirby has much more importance in his video game series or his cartoon TV show, not some shitty sprite comic he’s forced to inhabit.

Does hatkirby even write her own punchlines, or does she just rip them off from the millions of unoriginal garbage that exists?

Also, notice how the previous comic’s climax is dropped, making that “punchline” meaningless.

Fun tip: Dropping in a bunch of random language names is not a punchline. There is no humor in it, or any entertainment at all. This is “anentertainment”.

Don’t have Jay Resop do the artwork for your comic, hatkirby.

I can fill up space with the same shit! I can fill up space with the same shit! I can fill up space with the same shit! I can fill up space with the same shit!

Also, more evidence that Kirby is schizophrenic: he talks to himself again.

First, what idiot puts a fan letter to Kirby in the middle of nowhere and what are the chances that Kirby would find it. Second, these two must be running at the speed of snail if Kirby can read a whole letter in one step and talk for approximately five whole seconds in the next step.

If it was an e-mail how did Waddle Dee read it without a computer? Did he read the crackhead mailman’s mind or something?

Yeah, because houses can really be pantsed. “I can’t live in a naked house; it needs to wear thirty-yard-wide pants!”

Also, hatkirby comes up with the lamest jokes every incompetent sprite comic creator has used. Pointless “AHHH!!!”s, which do not make Kirby sound zany and hilarious, but instead make him sound like a forced douche bag; “Ooooookay….. Anyway….” (featuring wrong number of ellipses twice), which is the equivalent of trying to say “This is humor, you should laugh at this”, but is about as funny as a knock-knock joke that everybody’s heard a million times; and “Then you will know everything!”, which has the same problem as the first example, actually.

Not only were they all at Kirby’s house, but they were all criminally resized so that they look like ass.

Okay, hatkirby officially doesn’t give a shit. Tell me a five-year-old couldn’t write this. Because you’d be right: a five-year-old would never stoop to such dumbass writing. hatkirby failed to do any writing whatsoever in a comic whose art she never made. That makes her contribution to this comic useless, save for arranging pictures, and typing this antiwriting into her shitty-looking word bubbles. Seriously, those tails are the epitome of god awful.

Two stupid-ass catch phrases for the price of one! It’s pretty sad when a comic that was always garbage jumps the shark into radioactive waste territory.

Take any one of these comics and replace the final panel with any random panel from any comic: it will make as much sense as the original. Shit, it could be even funnier. For example, I am so desperate to find some small shred of humor that I’m tempted to just replace the last panel of every comic with a picture of a guy giving oral to a bear just for low-level cheap laughs. It’s sad when man-on-bear porn is funnier than this.

Hey blurry Insignia, “fanmail” isn’t a word—I don’t care what your blurry computer that looks more like an arcade machine tells you. I don’t take that kind of shit from author inserts.

Wait, why is Kirby blowing in that first panel?

Parodying what? A shitty sprite comic about a fictional video game character reading mail written by degenerate dumbasses? Because if so he’s doing a god damn good job.

I’m just going to assume that this is another mindless allusion and just run, run far away and never look back. Never look back…

“I am not laughing” is god damn right. Nobody is. Nobody in their right mind would find this comic funny? Nobody would. Even if the comic repeats the same foundering attempt at a joke? Yes, even if they repeat it. If they repeat that shitty joke they just become annoying.

But, you know, Kirby eating Sonic’s face is just so wacky. This comic is truly one of the worst I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading.

“Funny letters”? Where were they? Because I sure as shit haven’t seen them. I guess I must have missed them when I was falling asleep through comics five to seventy.

And Metaknight, how are you going to “defat” someone with strawberry shortcake? If anything it will make them even fatter, the opposite of “defatation”.

I’ll give hatkirby half a point for the “Evil Plan” joke, though, because it was almost funny, and negative a million points for the rest of this garbage.

Repeat it with me: random words are not punchlines and they are not funny, you fucking slashblifum.

I’m glad the computer’s blood—which computers always contain, of course—was courteous enough to label itself, because hatkirby’s shitty-ass MS Paint GIMP drawing would never be recognizable.

What have we learned from this comic? Some fabricated bullshit about Kirby being able to transform into whoever he wants (wrong)? Kirby “pwns” at a video game? Kirby can’t fucking count? And hatkirby can’t write a joke to save her life. Class dismissed. (I’m kidding: that would be too merciful).

Do you think it’s safe to mix aspirin and alcohol? Because anything that harms me enough so that I cannot read Kirby’s Fan Mail is welcome.

I wish this whole comic was censored simply for not being fit for intelligent minds.

Bluefire needs to practice his boulder throwing so he has good aim when he goes to those damn gay pride marches and murders those heathen fags.

Hasn’t Kirby been doing that in every fucking comic. Fuck this garbage, I’m going to shoot myself in the mouth.

*CRY&* *CRY&*

Fish umpire cat killer tomb hinder imp sock sample hump intellect tamper turn yams fiction under cackle kite inner numb gong apple bomb ox matter intern natural antelope tank idiot ocelot nope talk orb human extra lamp limp!!!!! Iris tin imply soda winner ogle right sonic end tonight happy ample nut gone enter nimble okay castle imply danger erratic!!!

Hatkirby was later put in a mental institution for making comics that make no sense and are motherfucking stupid. Good fucking night.

-J.J.W. Mezun

(Revised: June 12, 2011)

(Originally Published: January 1, 2010)

Kirby’s Fan Mail


About J. J. W. Mezun

J. J. W. Mezun wants you punks off his lawn.
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1 Response to Kirby’s Fan Mail (Updated)

  1. Lucas says:

    “This comic is worse than George W. Bush fuck-humping a rocket sent to Iraq, with Dick Cheney on top vomiting and pissing on everyone and everything around the rocket.”

    I love you.

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