I am about to subject you to Pokémon-X, a comic that began as a faux-edgy sprite comic lampooning Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire that degenerated into over a thousand comics of boring-ass Pokémon battles that make the fucking TV-show look exciting. And that show’s main villains consisted of two crossdressers and their neurotic, narcissistic cat that wouldn’t shut the fuck up, with aspirations as high as stealing a Pikachu, and are defeated by having their balloon popped.
Because of the heft of my source material, I’ll only comment on the first hundred. I may return to review more in the future, but this is enough for now. Normally, I would actually post the entire comic on this page—for convenience purposes—but these comics are way too god damn big, and I reference his news posts sometimes, also. In any case, if for some reason Pokémon-X disappears from the face of the internet—which is common for sprite comics—I saved all of the comics I commented on, so the world will always have evidence of Recon Dye’s sprite crimes.
One last warning: I actually made these comments long before I wrote up the rest of this article, and I was extremely sleep-deprived; so expect them to be substantially neurotic.
I love how Recon says that if I don’t like Pokémon or sprite comics that he won’t force me to read his comic. Unfortunately, I do like Pokémon, and have nothing against sprite comics in general, so I have no choice but to read this mess of the author showing his stupid self and describing his comic instead of, you know, showing it. Don’t take his “this is just an introduction” with any fucking salt; this motherfucker waltzes in the comic any time he pleases—and it’s shit every time.
Oh, c’mon! Another pointless intro? Get with the fucking comic already!
Hey, he’s starting with a pretty good joke. I always wondered why that bitch made you ride in the back of the… Oh my god, is this motherfucker adding dramatic backstory to Nintendo’s one-dimensional characters. Okay, I’m fine with that; he can run his comic how he wants. But that bullshit at the end is stupid as… stupid.
Wait, wait, wait: Machoke mouth-fucks the TV, and mommy gets panties wet over a fucking Pokémon. Okay, that’s cool. That’s real keen.
Brendan sure gets excited over this one door per floor thing.
“Damn, I’d better dog her tail!”
Back to the room crisis: I would be more shocked that there’s no bathroom, if I were him. Considering that night never comes, it’s not like there’s any need for a bed. When have you ever used your bed in that game?
Punchlines are pretty cool, Recon. This might have meant to be a joke about how you can just waltz in anyone’s homes, but I’m not certain. I’m sure I could read his news post, which will say something along the lines of “well, it looks like Brendan’s walking into May’s house and finally met her mother. Let’s see if they have a threesome!”
Ho, shit; that pre-teen tease of pixilated breasts really got me a boner, fucka! I have no idea what the hell I’m saying. This is a stupid comic, though.
Also, I love how the mom just has that calm look on her face. I can almost hear the “wah-wah-waaah!” I would be shocked and rushing to call 9-1-1 if a kid fell down the stairs—but maybe that’s just me.
Jesus, fuck, this is awful. And what’s so great about not wearing a bra… Fuck it, I’m dropping it now.
Also, I love how May magically becomes enamored by Brendan after hearing that he’s a neighbor, instead of maybe some kid who fell from the sky.
And what’s with Brendan’s dramatic stares at the end of each comic? He treats her common sense bullshit like it was fucking Neitche, or however you fucking spell it. [Nietzsche].
You know, I think the first half of Brendan calling something gay (which is always a laugh riot for me) and reminding us that May has boobs could have been cut out and the comic would have worked fine. Shit, you could just cut out all of this comic—it sucks in all manners and forms.
I wouldn’t be laughing at someone whose face magically turned red.
It’s almost as if Recon never scripted this or anything.
Okay, I get it: you want to fuck the helicopter-haired girl. And you fantasize about her being twice as tall and having more detail.
To be a master of pointless fucking chapter titles. Fucking stupid fucks.
Help, the author was too lazy to find another sprite of Poochyena, so he resized the large one to the size of “looks like shit”!
When our founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence, their main goal was to fight for the right of people to make stupid sprite comics of Japanese video games. God bless America.
Also, how a chicken waving and saying “Torchic” reminds a Poochyena of another Poochyena with a broken leg mystifies me.
This comic was so entertaining. Two animals ramming into each other like class-A dipshits. Okay, I guess the Poochyena’s graphic being fucked up in that third panel was pretty exciting.
“There aren’t too many kids who fantasize about my daughter naked! (It’s okay, I sometimes tie her to a bed and have the Machoke fuck her in the mouth!)” Look! I can write jokes just as well as Recon can!
Oh Birch, you’re perfectly safe as long as you’re not in the grass. These Pokémon will never think to leave that grass. Shit, they never attack people just standing in the grass, either.
How would you even know just by sight that her breasts are…? Nope, I’m dropping this subject.
And just to torture you more, there’s shitty Igor jokes.
God fucking awful. It’s akin to Hitler skull fucking Jesus’s corpse and Stalin wearing a KKK costume jizzed all over it all. Actually, that would be pretty entertaining to see.
Actually, that point about the car having to drive over water to get to Hoenn was pretty good. However, you can see that Recon just shits all over whatever merit there was by reusing old jokes that were never even funny.
Seriously, was this guy high when he wrote this? Nothing about this comic’s ending made sense WHATEVA!!
It’s good that Recon explained this stupid joke as a song reference. By the way, I know this song and yet still didn’t get the original “WHATEVA!!” bullshit. Probably because it’s still random bullshit.
Hey, it’s boring battle number Zzzzzzzz….
Uh oh! Looks like Zigzagoon got engulfed in shitty Photoshop effects!
Thanks for the stupid rationale that was never a part of Pokémon canon. And besides, how could this happen in Hoenn, and not Johto, where he lived before and apparently never witnessed this perplexing phenomenon? What happens to Pokémon who faint there?
They eat shit, the fuckers.
You know, for a character that the author supposedly hates, he still seems to be playing out his nugatory role… Wait, does this comic use fucking Comic Sans MS font? I hadn’t noticed that flaw until now.
You want to know something hilarious (and way more funny than the actual comic)? Recon said in his news post, “I hope you like the effort I’m putting forth…”
Let’s congratulate this comic on having the ugliest thought bubble in the world.
I’m glad Recon puts “this message happened in 2003” or some shit below every news post. I was afraid it was some post he made in the future that he snuck in, the sneaky bastard. And I was just going to e-mail him who the “future” character was and win the prestigious “cookie”.
You know, being sleepy earlier made me act somewhat loopy: now I’m trying not to fall asleep from reading these comics. I almost wish he returned to May’s boobs jokes.
This comic is an embarrassment. I’d rather masturbate to Mussolini rallies on tape in which he smacks Marxists in the face with his greasy cock, while simultaneously eating the pussies of the three-hundred girlfriends he had at the time. I’d also rather make more of these disgusting comparisons that read this comic.
“Fine, break my heart! After all of that sexual awkwardness between us! Oh well, I’ll just fuck this dark doggie in his asshole.” God, this is what your mind thinks when you read boring shit like this.
Here, I’ll do what Recon does in his news posts and mention what’s happening right now: Well, it looks like I’m writing up a comment on how much Pokémon-X sucks, after reading an atrocious episode. And now I have to urinate. And now I’m breathing. Keep voting for my comic at Top Web Comic Fuck Whatever. If you wanted people to vote for you, Recon, you ought to have offered some May wank-off material. Don’t you know how webcomic rankings work?
Ho shit, we’re back to the booby-jokes, bitches! Recon returns to his golden material!
I’ll give him that he actually knows enough about web design to actually give a shit about his comic’s download time. I hope this means that he actually optimizes this shit.
Fuck the comic: lemme bitch about this pussy begging his readers for e-mails of encouragement because he lost the urge to copy and paste a bunch of pictures together and type “boobies” all over it. That’s an over-exaggeration: he did have to get his pictures from his Game Boy.
This isn’t how you get the Trainer Card, you blasphemous punk, why I outta… Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t give a shit.
By the way, I love how he mentions in his post that he’s a gamer. Really? The guy who made an entire comic based on a video game in fact enjoys them? Intriguing.
Thanks for reminding me about that stupid breasts joke, I almost forgot about how much it sucked the first time.
Please elaborate on your boring story, May.
Oh, and Recon, do not ever watch that god damn TV show for inspiration, unless you want your comic to be anti-entertainment (in which case, keep up the good work!) This actually explains why the comic goes down the shit-pipe towards “Boring Battles Nobody Gives a Shit About” mode.
You know, I think ranting about his news posts would be more interesting, so that’s what I’m a-gonna do. I’m not sure using Paint Shop Pro to do inking and coloring is as bad as using sprites. What, do you expect people to color in colored pencils? Also, it’s not a rumor that most sprite comic creators can’t draw: a majority of sprite comic creators admit it—including good ones.
Jesus, is this Pokémon-X or Seventh Heaven? What the fuck does that “X” mean, anyway?
I wonder what my ghost mom creepily fading into the final panel is doing… Ah, she’s just dildo-fucking a Hitmonlee. By the way, I’d love to know what that nurture bullshit is, myself. But then I’d probably have to read all twenty million of these comics, and he probably forgot all about it afterwards, anyway.
Oh, and I love how they spend four fucking panels saying “goodbye”.
Let’s analyze the deep meaning of this comi… Yeah, WHATEVA!!
Holy shit, I wish I could just turn out my lights by just yelling “LIGHTS!” in tacky-looking Comic Sans MS font. I also love how he just changes his clothes by standing there, without actually grabbing any pajamas. Maybe he just carries them with him or that friendly “CENSORED” sign brought them to him.
Oh shit, don’t let those glowing silhouettes get you, doggie!
Let the boredom commence!
Oh my god, ha ha! He said in his news post that he got exhausted using his message board! “Man, this typing wears me out!”
“We don’t take funny in these here parts of this here comic”. Also, is this bitch bipolar? Why does her expression change from angry to “Oh shit! I pissed myself!” and then back to angry-face?
“Arrg! Watch me punch this Pokérus tube!” Why would he have the balls to bitch about the pathetic Pokémon when Team Magma and Aqua are the equivalent of the center for rejects? You saw all of the shitty Zubats they had. They even had their own pathetic Poochyenas.
“Today I am 23 years old, and I celebrated it with my imaginary, cartoon friends. I also wished that 8-bit games had LSD-influenced shit turn it into 32-bit games and have a fat guy misspell ‘caring’”.
I’m glad Recon pretty much just copied the last comic, but added a stupid, fake Southern accent to the mix to add to the embarrassment.
Recon, if you’re truly honing your “comic making skills” as you say you are, then why don’t you try using them?
“Arrg! I do say that all us punchin’ ye Pokérus has turned the comic borders supernova.”
How could they just turn the lights out like that, without yelling “LIGHTS!!”?
Fuck this fucking shit, it’s garbage. Ho shit, fifty whole comics! That took, like, two whole months to do.
I will say, though: I almost got excited about that “not updating, anymore”, even if the reasoning was some bullshit about some made-up girlfriend.
Some cocksucker named Chaoman45 actually made a thread where everyone appreciates the “hard work” Recon does, presumably to try to get in his pants. He also bitches about “Generic Pokémon-fapping n00bs” (as opposed to expert Pokémon-fappers) who complain about Recon’s alleged tardiness. Now, I agree with him, if only because I dread the thought of reading and commenting on all 1,000+ comics (not happening!). Shit, he can do whatever the fuck he wants with his shitty comic. Still, I’ve created shit-loads of sprite comics over the course of five years (2002-2007) and I never bitched about it being hard; because it isn’t. Anyone could make Pokémon-X. Shit, I saw some hobo in the street making one on his laptop just this morning.
Also, Recon is apparently working on an RPG based on Pokémon-X. The comic that is itself based on an RPG. I swear to god, I am not joking.
License to continue making stupid-ass, useless fucking god damn… What the fuck were you thinking? Don’t you ever learn? Why won’t you answer me through this computer and retroactively change your older works based on my modern complaints?
“Mom! Mom! Weird-ass dust is following me!” Also, nice detective work, there, hon. It’s good that we spent this comic to assure us that the characters knew what we already knew, like, ten comics ago. And all they had to do was remember how to read!
And in regards to Recon’s news post: what new style? It still looks the same. The word bubbles even still look like ass—look at them. But, don’t worry, he says he’ll keep the older ones looking like shit, because it’s the only way you know he’s improving (except the writing, which just plummets to hell).
I had no idea talking about something was fighting in the Pokémon world. Seriously, that final panel is laughably awful. I must admit that this dramatic bullshit was really helped by Brendan and his mom’s laser beams from their eyes. Honestly, if I had the choice of making this and peeing myself in public, well, I definitely would never let anyone know I actually read Pokémon-X.
I love how he brags about how he’s perfected his “ability” in making speed lines. So, basically, he can draw straight lines on a PC. Congratulations.
They’re not even sitting on the chairs; they’re standing on them. And… god damn, is this idiot still fucking crazy over Machokes? Recon even complains about himself running his own jokes into the ground, leaving me to believe that he has split-personality disorder.
Let’s use our imagination and pretend this comic never existed.
That crazy, scythe-haired, May! Seriously, who cut this bitch’s hair that way? Kids these days and their helicopter-shaped hair and going out on their own at fourteen to enslave and abuse animals!
Brendan, this is a TACKY FONT CHOICE! Hey, some lame Zelda joke! Wake me when this comic isn’t boring.
May isn’t really saying that to Brendan and Birch: it’s directed towards the people still reading this comic (me and Recon’s mother). And I’d have to say that she’s correct.
Hey, dick-sucking other people’s comics is a fine punchline for a comic.
Also, Recon lost faith in shitty, shallow comics heirarchy one and went with another one, probably because the first one realized what a joke this comic is after the “FIGHT!” strip. Also, if Star Trek Shorts is one of the few comics that makes you laugh, why do you have so many humor comics in your links? “I only read 8-Bit Theater, Bob and George, and Homestar Runner for the drama.”
What, did they just wake up from an afternoon nap? Look at them there on the floor.
Hello, square-faced Torchic. Allow me to show a tacky-looking Dex entry of you using ugly-ass Orbit B font.
The amazing PokéDex in its Atari 2600 graphics glory.
Yeah, I get it: you can type = and call that “math”.
Oh, goodie, the apocalypse begins. I hope you don’t plan on getting sick of these jokes, because he’ll keep cranking them out, with consistently unfunny results.
Oh, and I love how he promises to send “random items” in his readers’ mail. Praise me, damn it, or I’ll send you anthrax! (Really just sugar. Or cocaine. That would sure explain this fucking comic.) Well, at least he was able to make more of his awesome speed lines.
The great thing is that even if you were born on Jupiter and don’t understand the crass balls jokes—which my obviously exquisite tastes do not appreciate (I hope I spelled “exquisite” correctly)—this comic is still stupid as fuck. And fuck is pretty god damn stupid.
Also, Recon returns to his golden material of boob jokes. Yes, Brendan, May’s breasts are what lead her own father to change his mind, you fucking pervert. Go back to offering to catch your mom some more sex slaves.
Well, at least Recon thinks it sucks. Way to ruin my fun.
Motherfucker, did you just make a comic about Brendan getting his damn card? You know, you could skip this shit and let the readers just assume that it all went well. Maybe set up a possible surprise in the future. Let them use their imagination.
Yeah, yeah, dick-suck more comics that probably don’t… wait, how can you mention Modest Destiny and 8-Bit Theater? They actually have quality. You would think reading those comics would lead you to, you know, not produce this boring shit.
Seriously, though: try to avoid holiday comics like the plague; they almost always suck. Even some of 8-Bit Theater’s.
Also, I won’t even mention him saying “inspect your candy before digesting”. Yeah, just send a microscope down your throat while it’s still in the stomach. I guess I did mention it, didn’t I. I guess if you want to be anal, you could say that, technically, digestion starts before you finish ingestion. Well, I’m afraid science will have to take a backseat to my jokes.
“Unique types of Pokémon” my ass; they always use the same kinds of stupid-ass Pokémon. Also, Jesus, more balls jokes. Rich!
Also, Recon, whenever you get the urge to put up your hand-drawn artwork, please subdue that urge. In fact, keep away from pencils or pens as much as possible. I shouldn’t be making fun of this guy; he probably draws a thousand times better than me now. Still, the “Ma-chokin’ his chicken” is shit. But hey, he really proved that sprite comic artists can draw.
God, and now the characters are explaining the balls joke to themselves. Just leave it alone. Run away as far as possible so we can forget it forever. In fact, there is no usefulness in this comic, so let’s run from it as far as possible, too.
And I love Recon’s “self-portrait”. I’m sure that’s exactly how he looks—including the giant sword he holds on his fucking back.
You do that. You put a shitty-looking effect behind my text! What, Paintshop Pro can’t even do gradient strokes on text? It sucks as hard as GIMP does. (Suck it, Linux fans! I’m kidding—I use GIMP myself).
Also, I’m doin fine, Recon. AHH! DON”T POINT OUT TYPOS TO ME! Read the FAQ if you don’t understand that barely-a-joke.
And by the inclusion of pointless dialogue that Recon was too lazy to cut out, I’d say this comic is boring as fuck, as fuck is wont to be.
Is this comic’s ending supposed to be dramatic? Because it’s pretty damn silly. Why does May take three whole panels to run a couple of steps? I will give him one thing: the stupid jokes are a step above boob and balls jokes, even if they’re ruined by May’s over-acting. You know, you can just have people act stupid, without someone present to graciously point out its stupidity. Your readers aren’t that fucking stupid. Just saying.
Ha ha, in the previous post he mentions how his girlfriend treats him like shit, and then retracts it in this news post. The scary thing is that she probably read the previous post (meaning she probably read the actual comic, unfortunately) and bitched at him for it. All I know is if Recon includes her in the comic sometime, I swear to god I’m killing someone. Why are webcomic creators such narcissists?
I’m going to guess this is supposed to be a heart-wrenching comic, evident by the “-SOB- -SOB-”s. Keep in mind that this is all because someone’s an idiot. It’s not like her fucking mom died.
And, in case you’re blind, Recon summarizes the whole comic in his news post, anyway.
They’re both mentally-ill. Brendan’s scared of fucking grass and May’s too blind to see berries there. What kind of punchline is “hey, look at these berries here”, anyway? A pretty shitty one, that’s what.
“No, you’re stupid.” “You’re a meanie.” God, why must these children act like such children?
Luckily, Recon promises more stupid covers. Seriously, I fucking hate these. Well, at least it means that there’s less actual comic I have to read.
I guess the one way to handle this is more shitty Photoshop—sorry, Paintshop Pro—effects, and Recon’s Michaelangelean speed lines. Seriously, though, all I heard in this comic was “buh buh, whine whine”. These two need to get a room.
Recon sure gets excited about what this will lead to, even though he still apparently couldn’t figure out how to spell “comming”.
Ha ha ha, where do I start? Look at Torchic and his rectangular body. Look at Mudkip’s “I look like I’m being sodomized” face.
Don’t bother trying to make sense of this news post—it’s impossible.
You know a comic is heading somewhere great when its punchlines consist of “DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA!” And by heading, I mean shoving its phallus right down your esophagus.
Also, was there an eclipse going on in that “A Few Minutes Later…” panel?
“Mom, why are you having an affair with that creepy guy wearing sunglasses?”
“You throw like a girl! Hahahahehhee!” God, fuck this fucking shit (stabs self).
I must admit that Recon writes preteens accurately—accurate in that they’re fucking annoying as hell.
RPG World called, they want their fucking jokes back.
Could this be any more boring? Oh, and I already know the next hit will miss. This shit is so predictable.
Oh wow, I was correct. That’s sad. Also, you can’t just say “eat it”, and the Torchic will use the berry. He would have already used it before his turn. And how can you ask where he got the berry, Recon? We all saw him steal them from that tree.
We already know how he got it: Brendan gave it to the motherfucker!
As you can see, it all panned out exactly as I predicted. But these two whole episodes were needed to tell this terribly significant story. And what’s with May’s eyes in the final panel? If it’s because of the item light thing, then wouldn’t she turn around and see him giving the item to the Torchic? It’s as if this comic is arguing with itself.
No, but that attack by Mudkip sure fucked his body up. Yes, I know that was like that before; I’m just trying to understand this comic.
When you read that “chickening out” line and look at that trite close-up of Brendan saying “your luck.. [sic] just ran out!”, remember that many people claim that this is comic is rated “R”. “R” for “retarded”, maybe.
And he threatens another flashback, too. That would be like Saddam Hussein… uh… Yeah, I’m out. It’s fucking stupid, that’s what.
I can’t tell if he stole that joke from 8-Bit Theater or The Wotch, both of which ripped it off from The Simpsons. Either way, it’s a hand-be-down’s hand-be-down.
Yeah, let’s hope the comic you wrote turns out how you wanted, Recon. Maybe your hopes will be portrayed in those same ugly, gray thought bubbles your characters use.
A Yu-Gi-Oh reference. Rich! And that is Recon’s explanation for why there was too much dialogue (and thus was boring shit). Then explain the rest of the fucking comic.
The only way Recon could make up for this uselessness is by making that green-haired dork beat the living shit out of that Ralts with that Pokéball, like in The Boondock Saints.
Oh, now don’t reference Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. I just hope this comic wins the Eisner it deserves for its deep, heart-wrenching story. I also hope the author learns not to recap the fucking story in his news posts.
What’s with the shitty expressions in the second-to-last panel? You’re not VG Cats, god damn it. Though, judging by all of the balls jokes, maybe you’re trying to be.
I can understand the need for including irrelevant, uninteresting plot points. After all, this comic goes too damn fast! We’re only about halfway through the game in what, almost a thousand episodes? That’s no exaggeration. I’m dead fucking serious. These two assholes would be adults by then.
Windows XP sucks jokes? Check. Author implanting his stupid ass into the story? Check. This is just the bottom of the barrel, huh.
Recon, do you even script this shit? You can’t write story-based comics like I write this commentary: you can’t just put down whatever comes to your mind and you’re done with it. Those thoughts of Poochyena’s were worthless. Cut them out.
And yes, I noticed the hackneyed Star Wars reference. I was actually hoping to forget it.
Begging for presents isn’t the best way to spend Christmas, asshole. And short and sweet, my ass; more like long and god-awful.
I was going to bitch about going on another flashback tangent, but… this comic is actually pretty amusing. Yeah, I actually like this one. But hey, 1 out of 95 isn’t bad. I especially like how he leaves it to the reader to come to the conclusion (or deny it) as Recon mentions in his news post.
How many jobs does this Recon guy have? Shit, with all this moonlighting, he should have plenty of money to buy Christmas presents.
Oh, so right about when I’m going to stop commenting on your comics you begin to have some competence. I see how it is. His news posts still suck, though.
Stop recapping the comic.
Did Brendan not even hear what his assignment was? Dumb shit.
I take back anything nice (rare) I’ve said about this comic. Thanks for reading 100 of my comics: here’s the shittiest comic ever just to kick you in the nuts.
It’s a good thing this is an extra update, or I’d complain about the half-assed… Oh, who cares? This shit is better than comic 100, hereafter referred to as “Satan himself”.
(Revised: May 31, 2011)
(Originally Published: December 25, 2009)